Saturday, May 13, 2017
Today I noticed......
I Have another blog that is fully about overcoming addiction... obsessive and compulsive... always filling the void. That blog was seven year of my journey from leaving my husband and all the avenues addiction took in my life, switching one vice up for another until one day I did a major cleanse that lasted for an entire year and that was it, my awareness went so deep, my acceptance that this was how I coped and the action I needed to take in order to move out of the victim mentality entirely was birthed.
I have not written in the blog for months because that phase of my life is over. That is when I began this blog in order to begin to create my dreams and passions. You see I want to fall in love. And not just get a boyfriend or life partner so I don't feel lonely, but to fall madly passionately in love with a soul connected individual that can reach tantric levels this world has not seen yet. The problem is that kind of love triggers those addictive qualities in me times ten.
I have been obsessing through my tarot reads and psychic channels to help me overcome my fear of opening up to love. you see I come from a childhood of extreme neglect and abuse and although I dislike living there for any amount of time it's a reality I must accept and constantly take action to move away from or I easily become trapped in my own self-created hells....
And that is where I am again today. Trapped in my own self-created hell unable to allow life to just flow. Keeping my focus on me and my own life is extremely hard when an object of affection comes into sight. I am a cat that pounced on what catches her attention and am relentless like a pit bull when I dig my teeth into something. Unfortunately, that causes me more damage then it does my poor victim... and let me be clear I surely create victims of men that try to love me.
Its a sad day in the reality of me right now. I think I have destroyed another poor guy just wanting to love me.
So I am moving my focus on to learning to write while I build a more solid financial foundation so that come winter I can really launch my online business which is really where my heart is. You see I know I got a flare for writing when my heart wants to bleed onto the screen, but I suck at the details of sentence structure and all that boring bullshit that goes into being a great writer. So that is where I should be placing my focus at this time.
I know that when it comes to love and romance that is an energy out of my control and to have patience and accept timing is as important as the chemistry is, I am well on my way to learning. so keeping my very very very busy mind active on a pursuit such as writing will allow me the space to move forward and open up the channels to allowing love to come find me. Because seeking it has caused way way way to much fear to rise up within me and that fear has put a huge wall up around me fully protected by a plethora of little scorpions ready to attack any would be compatibles from getting close to me.
So I need a healthy distraction from a weirdly odd addictive feeling which is the purest feeling in the world.... Love. Self-love, self-love, self-love.... that's the only way to opening up to a greater love. I hear it all the time and I get it and my love continues to grow and grow for myself, but it's a hard upward battle when I had no blueprint of what that looked like and with each new loving person in my life I am forced to accept a new level of what my blueprint wants to accomplish and thus a new cycle of work begins to get there.
Sometimes I fear the work is too much and I should just stop and accept the life of crazy cat lady safe within the confines of her own heart and those that love her with no challenge. And then I start to cry because its not gonna be enough for me. So I continue on this path of learning to love myself even greater just to be able to open my heart to a friend... let alone a romantic partner.
Maybe by the time I am 80 I will be ready.