Friday, May 26, 2017

Day Nine of the Ten Day Writing Challenge.

Today I noticed that when I am with other people my mind is connected and strong.... with the right kind of people that is.... but right now when I am alone my mind is only on my current obsession and that's it.  

As a hypnotherapist i understand how to reprogram my thoughts, the problem lies in the wanting of that outcome.  

My desire for the unavailable man is paramount.

It is time to change my desires.

rereading what I wrote yesterday almost gagged me.    How can I be so in love with nothing more than a fantom image... an energy that may or may not be there?   How can I allow someone to play emotional games with me?   Do I not love myself enough to WANT to feel good?

Yes, I actually do.   And even though I know in less than an hour I will forget this new train of thought, I feel good right now getting back to the greatness of me.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Move Mountains, Then Rest.





I don't think of him as much.
But only because my life has gotten busy
In my quiet moments, he is there
Bringing me tears of love
causing my heart to ache with longing
then my mind to smash with reality
He isn't here.
only in my mind.

Then he smiles at me in the hall
or jokes with me in the parking lot
and the connection is reestablished
round and round on the merry-go-round
my heart swirls not sure if it is worth the wait
but knowing it will, regardless

He who masters patience
masters his life



When he laughs my world light up
Like a new fairy getting her wings
when he draws near to me my knees go weak
my heart flutters threatening a heart attack
When he soothes me with his words
everything is blissfully right in my world



I can wait for a deeper connection
it is worth the wait.  He is worth the work.


The work is always transferrable
and with each opportunity taken
another one will arise out of the failure
if failure shall occur
there are no right or wrong choices
just a path that is set out before you
both choices lead to the same destination

Relax.
Enjoy the mountain air.
Baby, you have arrived.
Now Your king is on his way.

Day eight of the ten day... Today I noticed challenge.

And that having missed several days in the middle because life got very fun and busy over the long weekend the last thing on my mind was sitting at my computer to write..  and therefore that is what I noticed.

I used to be a discipline junkie where if I missed a day of a challenge I would hear all the motivational guru's going through my head.... get 'r done, get back at it... don't let a trip turn into a fall. I don't hear those voices anymore, I am past that.

I also don't hear the voices of my parents or childhood taunters anymore.   I no longer hear the voices of the 12 step fellowship telling me what is right and what is wrong.  I no longer hear my ex's loving words soothing nor there bitter tears downs at the end.

Today I have noticed all I hear now..... is my own voice of reason, love and discernment.  

It's a great feeling that through my own connection to my highest self no longer does the guidance of others dominate my choices in life.   And this is including my tarot reading which I did just state a couple days ago where overtaking my life... my new voices of, reason?   Not well received, just saying.

I have come a long way from where I was when I was born into this world, obviously, not just age has changed me, but all the hard work I have put into myself to become the person I desired when I was very little.... A strong woman in her own right wealthy in all avenues of happiness and free in the very face of interdependence.  

Truly on the day eight of a writing daily challenge I have noticed..  I have arrived at the destination I had sought for myself 30 years ago.

Now that I am sitting on the top of my mountain, I know exactly what I want and I know exactly how to get it......

I wait.

Today I noticed.....

My cards are all over a change of home.    Part of me wants this and the other part of me does not...

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Day Six.... Today I noticed..



Why do feelings not match reality sometimes?   Why is it that we can bend the signs to fit what we want and not what is really happening?  Why is it that when we become more enlightened we also become more powerful at controlling our circumstances... and not to our benefit.

 Thats the responsibility that comes along with enlightenment, the more you abuse your new powers the more you get slapped by universal law.  Sometimes those smack downs are incredibly painful and life shaking.

I ask myself over and over again how do I let go.  I ask myself over and over again how do I move forward?   I am trying to learn to hold on to my visions and not be like a feather floating on the wind anymore because I want to create something of substance in my life but I don't know how to work at something when challenges get in the way.

When are the challenges telling us the path is not a worthy one and when do we view the challenges as needed obstacles to strengthen us?   How much time are we willing to waste on a particular path before we have to back up all the  way to the beginning to start all over again?

Today i noticed i am building courage and self love on a deeper level.   I am not as swayed by another actions and more in tune with what I know to be real within me and that knowledge brings me peace and truly thats the feeling I want these days... Love and Peace.

I dont know where my path is taking me but I do know that even in the pain there is a level of comfort knowing it is for a greater purpose.  Gone are the feelings of suffering and truly my situation has not changed just my perception of it.  Why did my perception change?  Because no matter how I felt about what was happening between the Lion and I whenever we met up in person it was always different from how I felt in my imaginations.  

Sometimes its better and sometimes it worse then what I imagined and sometimes it reinforces my beliefs and sometimes it destroys them all together.  I feel crazy most of the time and the rest of the time i feel grateful just to still be able to be in his presence when the universe see's fit to put us together for a moment or two.

I believe my sacrifice has come and I am willing to have just mere moments with him at the expense of anything less then because I cannot tolerate being less then with someone else, all I do is judge the situation and compare it to how the Lion makes me feel .... and those experiences never compare.  

So until the cosmic design pulls us apart I will be grateful for just moments of his time and hopefully a thought or two sent in my direction will feed my soul and passion enough.   Until I can have him deeply within me, I shall fill my passion with my Jeep and building my dreams because i have a sneaky feeling when and if I do get a good crack at Leo it will only be for a short time before he will be off and running again... best to keep a good hold of my own life during the process.

Today I noticed.... I am much stronger.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Day Five..... Today I Noticed.

When we keep our focus forward it allows the universe to bring things to us without our scrutiny and over analyzations.  We truly are our own worst enemies.

So I am working my ass off to create five streams of income right now.  I never want to be as broke as I was this past winter.  That need to not ever be there again has created this desire so strong in me that my motivation and determination are finally stronger then my need to fall in love and have the greatest sexual union this planet has ever seen.  

It has been the focus of my new serving job to pay for my Jeep Hobby, My Apartment building super attendant position with the reduced rent that pays my living costs, My Grounds maintenance position with the owner of the building I care take pays for the building of My Mindfalling program which will replace my income stream in the winter from the grounds position and I am just waiting on my fourth stream of income to begin after May long weekend, landscaping with a new up and comer to the scene here in GP.  

I am still looking for a fifth stream of income but I figure that will come in the winter through online opportunities that will open up for me once i get my toes wet in that field.  But that is not what is the really the exciting part of this post.... with my attention being focused on my business launch and the foundation i need to lay before that big day, Leo the Lion snuck up behind me!!

Onyx stones.   I am telling ya they are all the bomb if you want to not act like a retard around the guy your infatuated with.  Onyx helps ground a person and reduces excitability..... I am kangaroo jumpy around this guy.  My attraction to him and my desire to be with him is so overwhelming that I cannot string a proper sentence together so then I just wanna attack or crawl all over him because obviously my words and mind are not gonna get me to where I wanna be.   Ya, the latter was not working in my favor at all.... quite the opposite actually.

After ignoring him and then when I could no longer do that as we see each other almost daily in our apartment building I was cool and detached.  I think he liked that much better because now I can finally have a conversation with him without losing my fucking junk in my head and dropping it to my trunk and letting the baby bits talk for me.... jeez, women are built just like men when it comes to sexual craze.

So what I noticed today..... when you are moving forward in your own life and placing energy, attention and focus on what will better you in that moment then the universe adds your desires and rewards into the mix.... you cannot chase your rewards, you must chase the work.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Day Four of.... Today I noticed.

Seeings as I love writing in the mornings, its more a yesterday I noticed but I am writing it today kinda thing.

So yesterday after getting only two lines in here before my day rushed off in a wild start without me, I noticed how obsessed I get when I am bored and how much validation I need when I am scared.

Fear grips us and we cannot move.  But in truth life has pauses and stops that cause me such great anxiety that in those nice little floats I burn my life to the ground because I cannot sit still... I repeat, I cannot sit still.    Shark is my birth totem and those fuckers cant stop swimming or they sink.  They are not built like other fish.  I don't think I am built like other humans.

So yesterday I got my jeep up and running again and felt pretty super star for having been able to afford it.  That level of vibrational increase brought about many calls and texts from guys.  Its weird how they can sniff out a girl who is feeling really good about herself.   I just wish that I could find one that is okay with me when I am not feeling really good about myself.

I am still on the guy thing but I am now beginning to understand that when I am moving forward they have no choice but to chase me.  Its when I am idle that I must learn not to chase them but to sit still with my own company until my life is moving forward again.  

I am very bad for beating myself up when things don't seem to be moving at the pace I want them too and this has got to stop.  It is in those self beatings that I do the most damage to my life.   We are our own worst enemies because in truth no one really gives a shit about us and our lives.  And thats not a sad pity statement its more about the truth of how self centered we are as humans.  we create from within its natural and normal to be the center of our universe.  We just tend to forget everyone else has their own universes as well that they are center of and trust me when I say of your the center of theirs watch out for a toxic ride of pure imbalance at every turn.

This is where psychology comes into play with the two healthy bubbles just touching each other to make for a great relationship, not the two become one model.  that has always been outdated, it just takes a ridiculously long time for us humans to change.  Again why you dont choose a partner you think will change for you because even if thats true the patience you would need to have would be astronomical to stick around and endure the pain of that happening or the latter is the path... death to their spsirt as they become who you want them to be.

I still am crazy about the fucking Leo.   All these guys calling, texting and sniffing around and all I do is compare them to the Lion and none of them meet up, or if they do becuease i am in a hate on mood for the fucking cat it only lasts moments and I remember that he can match me in whtever frequency I am in.   And thats what i am looking for.... total match of crazy... not picture perfect.

Day three of ... Today i noticed...

I am ridiculously insecure of my own feelings... distrustful of them.... in constant need of reassurance.

I am addicted to online Tarot readings and psychic readings.

I am in a place in my life where change is so prevelant that i am afraid and cannot trust the choiuces and directions presented to me, i am seeking outside validation at every turn.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Day Two of the Today I noticed challenge...

10 days of writing every day to increase the flow of creativity and to put the wheels in motion to a new level of consciousness and vibration in my world.

It is Mothers day today.  I really detest these days that my society has deemed important to force us people that are too self-centered to practice loving our mothers every day.   Don't you find it hard to force your emotions on these holidays that may or may not fit with how your feeling that day?  

I get taking days to notice all that your mother does for you, but the pressure and the money grab that happen around a day that becomes specifically set aside for love and attention makes it fake and forced.   would you not agree that there is a line of truth to what I am saying?

As a mother of three and a daughter, I would much prefer to show my mom random acts of love throughout the year then pay extra dollars buying flowers and a card to meet the standards of what the neighbour kids just bought their moms so mine doesn't feel my love is second rate or something.

My children know I hate these holidays and they go out of their way on other less expensive and conspicuous days to love me in a way that fits for them.  

We have become a society of micro managed people and we don't even realise it.   We are told what to think, when to eat, how to breathe and when to love and even what to love.  

Do you not want your own voice, your own thoughts?   would you not love to love when you feel it right to do so?

I know it would be an easier life for me if I just caved and gave into the flow of all around me and just learned to love when I was told to and be happy all the time because its the better option and to be grateful in every moment because it makes everything around me seem less annoying, but in truth I didn't work my ass off in my life to get in tune with my feelings just to have to subdue them because I now no longer fit with my society.

I was born to be a mover and a shaker.   I am the person that rubs everyone wrong and creates a friction.  I am that person that will point our your flaws so that you can feel better about yourself after you have become more authentic because of the changes brought about from my temporary annoyance.   I am lonely because I am a mover and shaker, anyone that can stay close to me is someone who can handle the constant change I bring into their lives.

Which is not many people.   I am not popular for my teachings and will probably not be fully realised until well after I am gone from this physical plane.  But I will keep expressing my views and keep doing the work that feels good within me to release.   I will stay sad that I am misunderstood and stay isolated from popular opinion because in those unpopular feelings I find a weird sort of strength and comfort.  To be happy is to comfort and no matter how hard I try to fit into your box, I just cannot do it.  So I accept who I am and still go forth and live in this world with my own kind of secret happiness that i can share with no one.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Today I noticed......



Moving Forward......

I Have another blog that is fully about overcoming addiction... obsessive and compulsive... always filling the void.   That blog was seven year of my journey from leaving my husband and all the avenues addiction took in my life, switching one vice up for another until one day I did a major cleanse that lasted for an entire year and that was it, my awareness went so deep, my acceptance that this was how I coped and the action I needed to take in order to move out of the victim mentality entirely was birthed.

I have not written in the blog for months because that phase of my life is over.  That is when I began this blog in order to begin to create my dreams and passions.  You see I want to fall in love.  And not just get a boyfriend or life partner so I don't feel lonely, but to fall madly passionately in love with a soul connected individual that can reach tantric levels this world has not seen yet.   The problem is that kind of love triggers those addictive qualities in me times ten.

I have been obsessing through my tarot reads and psychic channels to help me overcome my fear of opening up to love.  you see I come from a childhood of extreme neglect and abuse and although I dislike living there for any amount of time it's a reality I must accept and constantly take action to move away from or I easily become trapped in my own self-created hells....

And that is where I am again today.   Trapped in my own self-created hell unable to allow life to just flow.  Keeping my focus on me and my own life is extremely hard when an object of affection comes into sight.   I am a cat that pounced on what catches her attention and am relentless like a pit bull when I dig my teeth into something.   Unfortunately, that causes me more damage then it does my poor victim... and let me be clear I surely create victims of men that try to love me.

Its a sad day in the reality of me right now.   I think I have destroyed another poor guy just wanting to love me.

So I am moving my focus on to learning to write while I build a more solid financial foundation so that come winter I can really launch my online business which is really where my heart is.   You see I know I got a flare for writing when my heart wants to bleed onto the screen, but I suck at the details of sentence structure and all that boring bullshit that goes into being a great writer.  So that is where I should be placing my focus at this time.

I know that when it comes to love and romance that is an energy out of my control and to have patience and accept timing is as important as the chemistry is, I am well on my way to learning.  so keeping my very very very busy mind active on a pursuit such as writing will allow me the space to move forward and open up the channels to allowing love to come find me.   Because seeking it has caused way way way to much fear to rise up within me and that fear has put a huge wall up around me fully protected by a plethora of little scorpions ready to attack any would be compatibles from getting close to me.

So I need a healthy distraction from a weirdly odd addictive feeling which is the purest feeling in the world.... Love.   Self-love, self-love, self-love....  that's the only way to opening up to a greater love.  I hear it all the time and I get it and my love continues to grow and grow for myself, but it's a hard upward battle when I had no blueprint of what that looked like and with each new loving person in my life I am forced to accept a new level of what my blueprint wants to accomplish and thus a new cycle of work begins to get there.

Sometimes I fear the work is too much and I should just stop and accept the life of crazy cat lady safe within the confines of her own heart and those that love her with no challenge.  And then I start to cry because its not gonna be enough for me.  So I continue on this path of learning to love myself even greater just to be able to open my heart to a friend... let alone a romantic partner.

Maybe by the time I am 80 I will be ready.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Is there 'The One'?




Do you choose who you fall in love with?

Is there a moment,  an instance that there is no return from?   That love at first sight?

Or are there just experiences upon experiences to bring into alignment with yourself?

Does everyone contribute to the same reality or are we individualistic in our natures?

Is the concept of The One lost to us?   Do you still believe in the One?


When I look back on all my interactions with partners each one brings me clo9ser to the truth.   The truth of myself and the truth of what I am looking for and thus the truth of what is looking for me.

I can see more clearly with each partnership that there is always a key element missing.   With one its passion, with another its connection, yet with another its compatibility.   I have yet to find someone who embodies all of what I desire.

What happens when I find him?   Will it be easy or will it be even harder because he is 'The One"?

I have been reading up lots about Intimacy and romance and all things to help me better understand myself within this last fling I had with Leo the Lion.   My emotional reactions were nothing I had experienced before, my loss of control over and over again had me going back for more like a love sick puppy okay with the abuse.   Why is that?

I easily walk away from people and situations that serve no greater purpose for my life... I know this through years of self-examination and experience.  So why then can I still not stop thinking about a new approach with this guy?  A new way to get his attention and keep it?

Why am I okay with him dating another girl, knowing that I love him.... and truly I do.  I don't know how to explain it.   It's not a deep love of knowing someone but it is a love that makes me want to be near him, to get to know him and to accept all parts of him even the douche bag parts.   I am not critical of him.... why is that?   I am critical of everyone!!

I let him go.   I really have.  And I am moving forward with my life and my business, putting attention where it desperately needs to be.  But I have not forgotten about him nor do I want to...   Just a much-needed rest for both of us I guess.

I think I am starting to believe in the One.......