Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Taming the Beast.

Why is this so hard?

He treated me like shit.  I understand the larger picture.  I know that my thoughts in this matter DO NOT create my reality. I know that I have no control over this situation.  So then why Am I still wanting to reach out to him?

I am changing focus. I am moving forward.  I am taking steps, fast and active. I am  Attracting new experiences and really great ones at that.  I am stepping into my power.   So why then do I still feel so damn drawn to him?

Letting go of the Past issues are a very real thing for me.  This awareness has always been one that I have had, so I have worked with it a long time.   I can let go of guys pretty easy when I know they will harm my future.  Myself and my kids are the most important thing in my life.  To some outsiders who know me this might look different as my parenting style is much different from most peoples but I have great kids so it works for us.

So when a guy comes into my world he needs to fit my life and my kids and he must have something to contribute to my/our future.

If they do not it is a quick adventure to kill time and lift spirits but that's it nothing more and when the lifting is over before the fall happens I am on my merry way and all is left in a nice happy place.   So why with this guy can I not let go.... why did I allow the fall?

How far am I willing to fall I guess is the better question.   I can see through astrology that this relationship will either make us great..... like really really great as a couple and in our own rights.... or it will completely destroy us.   There is no middle ground here.

So my cards are advising me to let go.  Move focus away from him.  I want to quit him.

But I can't.   No matter what I do or how hard I let go over and over or how many of the smoking hottest guys walk into my life, I just can't stop myself from loving him again.  My body floods with emotion not only with thoughts of him but out of nowhere my body will light up and I can feel him.   I just want to love him so much.   It feels so good to love him, and to be honest it even feels good to hate him.   Just being around him is good.

I know I love very easily and so fully and without any conditions... I know I do this because it gets me into a lot of trouble in the world we live in.  People take me as false or they take advantage of me. Most people don't understand me or better to the point I really don't understand most people. But the point for me is.... Unconditional means that I can always see the larger picture of why they do what they do, so I can just shut it off and move on.  Simple for me really....  I do not have a letting go problem anymore because of this awareness and my experiences.

....Until this moment.   I can see Leo and I are in the process of destroying each other and yet I can't stay way, I am wanting to jump in and flip the switch and to get moving the other way.   But I can't because every time I do it gets worse.  Everything that has worked in the past is not working now.  Everything I do makes this worse.   I am completely clueless as for how to proceed and have been since the very first time we saw each other after the great night of 23/06/16.

When I went through the Twelve step fellowship it was widely accepted that if you reminisce about your drug of choice and bring those feelings of the highs back you sabotage going forward.  I can see this on a different level now and however true it is of hard drugs that destroy our lives I look at this last spin of addiction and my greatest fear is the destroy part of the Lion is the addiction side of me.  
The reason this blog had to change focus.

I need to move forward in my life and away from this energy, anything I try to create here is going to be of a lower vibration.  Already I am moving my energy so this is not a concern and why I can allow myself to fall in the love vibration again even if only in my own body with the gorgeous lion.  I can only hope he will catch that energy and follow. maybe catching up with me again when I am in a clearer headspace.  
Maybe then we can shoot for the moon instead of Inanna's underworld. Because I know this guy and I could remodel what a real romance can look like and how two people can live in their own worlds yet meet in the middle as often as possible.

 I have never wanted to love someone as much as I want to love this guy.  I feel like I am dying inside without him.... but then again that might just be a very good thing for now.

NumBing out has its place in one's life and full acceptance of that is what removes an addiction label.  As much as I love fasts and stand behind programs that betters one's life, learning your own truth and that each program or fast serves but a purpose, not a life sentence.

Letting go of old beliefs is the only letting go that ever has to happen, this is what you facilitate through each fast and each program.

Be true to yourself ALWAYS.  No matter how against the grain it go's or even how ugly that looks.  
I fell hard and it wasn't pretty but I have no regrets.  He will go down in my mind as something really fucking great that happened in my life. No matter how things turn out because there are no mistakes in life, just experiences.

Bye Baby.

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