Wednesday, April 26, 2017

New Cycle Begun: The Sun Tarot Card

Is it weird that even though I saw him with another woman, when I went to cry I could not muster the tears?

Is it weird that I have a strong feeling this is a necessary part of the journey we are on and its not over  but is a much-needed break for both of us?  A welcomed freedom from the intense energy we create within each other.

Is it weird that I feel like the bulk of our relationship actually happens in the energetic realm?

He came to me so strong Monday morning when I didn't fall into step with what was becoming a regular routine of meeting in the laundry room of our building.   His lack of action within this whatever it is we have going, had me backing out of all things connected to him as I knew I was beginning to drown with the stagnation of the energy.

He brushed my energy coming down the stairs as they are connected to my apartment and he brushed it as he went back upstairs.   When I didn't respond to his energy I could feel his anger level rising.  When his energy burst into my apartment i could almost physically feel him and it truly scared the shit out of me.   I have never known someone that powerful in manipulating energy before.

I was reminded of the time with Mr. beautiful crazy (whom I contacted btw to see if it has been his energy coming to me at night which it hasn't been) when I was calling out to him to protect me from the guys that were smelling the heat I was in for him.   He never protected me from the wolves.   As I realise now was not his job too, it was my job to choose him if that was the path for me.   And truly I did choose him in the end but he was too hurt to accept it and now that boat has sailed.... well in truth, if i were to be totally honest with myself..... it was nothing more than a learning lesson, we really had no passion for each other, he was not ready and astrologically we are not fit for each other.

Maybe Leo the Lion is just another learning lesson and its why my feelings aren't really hurt that he is with another woman.   All I can really think is that I am better than her, and that's not ego talking it's just how I feel and I have no reason other then if he chooses her it's because he couldn't meet me where I am at and that's an okay choice on his part and it helps me move on, but in truth, I feel he will be back and this time he will fight for me as I have fought for him and trust me when I say I fought a noble fight for him.  My demons are gone and will be forever now, I will never have to cycle that again even with a new partner.   So thank you Leo the Lion.

He came to me several times in the past week in the astral and it was incredible.   I wonder only slightly what would have happened had I acted on it.  His constant rejection of me was beginning to wear on me and the games he was playing were way, way, way too hard for my heart.   So I know that my choices would not have been different,  there are no regrets in my emotions.... just freedom and peace.   not even any heartbreak and that's the reason I write here today.

I can easily let go when the energy has let go of me.   I can see how quickly my energy gets coveted when I let a man into it.   If they get the milk for free why would they ever pay for it, right?   So now is time for me to put a huge block up around my energy and only give it intimately to those that deserve it, to those that have worked for it.

Leo will know what he is missing soon enough because all my ex's come back at some point.   If he wants me he will have to work his fucking ass off for me because no little balcony head pop or energetic plays are going to do it this time.  

August is when the magic will happen as per my yearly read did back in September.   So till then I will focus on my own adventures and see where they lead me, maybe it will be far away from Leo the Lion and into something even greater.   Again timing of everything is a faith and a trust that is hard-won through experience for this old dog.   Live and let live!!

New Love Creation:

I want to be swept off my feet by someone that is totally connected on all levels and I want to marry that person because they will be able to keep the relationship alive for decades with their connection to themselves, source and me.

This is my intention and my creation..... let the games begin!!

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Turn of The Wheel.....

Sometimes I hide the truth from myself in order to get through and to actually create more pain for the poor undeserving heart.

At what point did his energy pull out and mine keep going?   Did I really not notice his lack of responses?   Why did I trust the connected one when she told me he loved me and that he was just acting immature?  Was that just my own test to actually push through something?

I am a runner.   I always run when things get hot in the kitchen.   I didn't run this time.  I didn't run with Mr. beautiful Crazy.   I am not a runner anymore.

Now I am a give it all away for free Girl to the most hurtful men around apparently.    How did I not see he was draining me the entire time just to give the energy to another |her.

How did I not see that the challenges were just too great to overcome?   Why was I willing to work on something so impossible?   Why was it so hard to let go?

I don't believe in the one anymore, but I did believe that the one I connected with would become something great with me.   I guess he fit the vision of what I wanted my life to be.

Why do we bother creating vision boards and goals, when there are obviously too many people involved to make that a reality?   How do we find someone willing to produce our visions?   I really thought I had found that why am I so blinded to the truth when it comes to love?

Was I just carrying on my combined vision with Mr beautiful Crazy, superimposing it on this poor unsuspecting Leo?   Could I once again see a potential that was never there and was not accepting the situation or the person as they were?

People don't change.

Maybe he could see that I wanted a different leo and he could never give me that one.  Maybe I seen him more grown up than he is and that created a wall too high to crawl over.   Maybe his strength to detach and move on months ago is actually a saving grace for me today.

I flow where it feels good.  I have not felt good for a very long time.  I just thought it was part of the process.   I don't think it is anymore.

But then who has been manifesting in my room at night if not him?

Twice in a row, the energy of a male has made himself known to me as I was getting ready for bed.   one time most intimately and the other time very solid in form touching my lower back.  I took the energy for the Leo trying to get my attention.   Then yesterday I felt a very strong cross road being created by him.   One for which I did not cross over.

He is abusing the power of my love.   Love turns into surrender and surrender turns into power.   I surrendered, he did not, he used my power against me and I let him.

Until a month ago that is.    It took a month for him to move on to someone else's power.   Sick fucking bastard..... hurts my heart.

Mr. beautiful crazy absorbed my power for two years.

It's time to learn when to surrender and who is worthy of my love and energy.  It's too bad that the Lion can't sees how great we would be together.  It's sad that he is lost in the surface layers, but what can I expect from a little gangster with a small vision?

So its back to the drawing board.    I am already on to a course that can lift these patterns for me and release me from the easy flow of my love.   Discernment and detachment are the lessons I shall embark upon now.   And having the strength to keep going in love and not give up on the quest and give in to my sadness at the cruelty of men who have had a taste of what I can offer.

This is the third guy I am aware of that my power has made crazy.  Maybe the next guy can handle it....   Another Leo is on the horizon this one has a few more qualities that have become important to me... like friends, family and well a job.

Although my heart is twisted, I can honestly say it doesn't totally hurt.  the relationship really just resided in my head and the lesson there is that the lack of real emotions was a direct result of over thinking and not having a place to release them and therefore the death of them was the only avenue they had to go, I just kept the play going because it was better than feeling alone as my life launched into a scene that was too new and too uncomfortable to journey solely on.

I have asked for a partner in my life, I see now the little Leo could not be that for me and that is more important than anything else on my list of must-haves that a potential partner embody.   Funny how we conveniently ignore some certain truths to bend reality when a number of other factors are in place, like it eliminates one big one in blue of the few extra little ones.

Another lesson.... live in the moment of what is real.  remove energy, remove astrology, remove the wisdom of elders and remove one's own desires of outcome and learn to just be in the moment, every moment and surely you will manifest along the right path for you.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

What more can I let go of?

I can feel him when he is near me.  

I am not sure if this is a connection or he is sending me energy or if I am the one sensing it.   I have been advised through my dreams, through my cards and through my higher power to let go and move on.... but for a long time,
I questioned what it isIi am truly moving on from.

I am a ganga lover and that holds me a back a bit.... lifts me up but also cuts me off from my higher power after chronic use.  So I let that go.

I can fall victim of old addictive mind mentality for which I am writing about.  I am in the process of letting go of the old label.  Is that what my cards are talking about?

I let Leo the Lion go.  I am not talking to him.   I am not going near him and with each thought its getting softer and easier to release.

So why am I still having dreams of something I need to let go of?

The dream had a younger guy in it that I know loves me but I am not interested in.  Am I to let go of my sexuality and what interests me?   I really don't get it.  I am letting go of everything and I am still getting told there is more to release.

Spirit show me what else I can do because I can't keep living in this place of shitty luck and exhausted emotions.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Prayer & Abundance

With every memory,
I give it to White Buffalo with prayer. 

Gratitude fills my heart
At the opportunity 
to have experienced something new.


I let it go.
Over and over
I let it go.

My heart cracks
with each Good-Bye.

My heart floods with love
with each Buffalo Prayer

I send him love.
I wish him the best.

I let him go
and Over

Peace washes over me 
blocking the thoughts of his moving on

I let him go
I give him, to White Buffalo

With each pulse
My heart swells and my heart caves

                                      I am sure in time
the letting go will cease.

Life will return to black and white
My hearts normality
matching the masses

But for now...

I enjoy the letting go.
I will savour the last moments
in this time
in this space.

with every memory,
I give it to white Buffalo.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Check Point

What vibration are you in right now?

Angry, nervous, sorrow, depressed.    A lower vibration where no one can meet you at and if they can, it should be questioned where they are at and is that really what you want?

This is my question today.

I am in a lower negative fear vibration as of late.  Too many negative life hits and I could not regain my composure.  I spun.  

The toy Top is finally coming to a wobbly stop.

I am moving back into the love vibration as my heart slowly opens again and my mind takes a back seat.  No longer needing to protect me by whisking me off into my fantasy world.

My cards tell me its time for some counselling.  I say maybe, but more maybe not.  

Increase vibrations everyday through trying something new daily.  Reaching out of my comfort Zone.  Building on to my goals in a daily routine.   Staying connected to people but spending as much time alone as possible.

I know who I am and what I need.   i know what I want and I am willing to learn how to get it.

Do the Work and the rewards will become available to you.

Switching up Vibrations.  

Moving on up.........

Wednesday, April 12, 2017


How is it that when he lets go,   I can feel it?

Another rose up so quickly and took the power from him.

I could feel it.

Did I let go first when I told him it was done and
I stuck to my boundaries?

Have I finally won this pattern?

Oh ya, I won this.

 I won my self respect back.

I won My confidence back, slowly.

Was he bad for me?
No I don't think so.

Too much light creates big scary shadows is all.

Protection was fatal
in his energetic embrace.

Most powerful Man I have felt.

Very intoxicating. So intoxicating.  Too intoxicating.
Lost my balance.  Landed on my back.

He wasnt there to catch me.
Did he really want me?

Maybe this next one will be able to hold on to me when I fall

It hurts landing alone.

Did I really fall or just want the pain?
Am I over the Past?

I couldn't see beyond the light.


I am under new protection now.

I felt it slide over me during the full moon last night.

I woke up clear this morning.  First in almost a year.

I feel ready.   I am letting go.

Every female always has the spiritual protection of a man, it can be no other way

We don't need to know this, but I can feel it.

Consciousness connects and new comes in.

My consciousness shifted last night.

I feel a calm wash over me today.

Like everything is finally gonna be alright.

The Leo has changed faces.

Monday, April 10, 2017

How do I let go again?  Why do I always forget how to do this?

Move on.  Do different activities.  Stop thoughts, shift and transfer focus.

I know all of these things

but then why is it still so fucking hard to do them?

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Taming the Beast.

Why is this so hard?

He treated me like shit.  I understand the larger picture.  I know that my thoughts in this matter DO NOT create my reality. I know that I have no control over this situation.  So then why Am I still wanting to reach out to him?

I am changing focus. I am moving forward.  I am taking steps, fast and active. I am  Attracting new experiences and really great ones at that.  I am stepping into my power.   So why then do I still feel so damn drawn to him?

Letting go of the Past issues are a very real thing for me.  This awareness has always been one that I have had, so I have worked with it a long time.   I can let go of guys pretty easy when I know they will harm my future.  Myself and my kids are the most important thing in my life.  To some outsiders who know me this might look different as my parenting style is much different from most peoples but I have great kids so it works for us.

So when a guy comes into my world he needs to fit my life and my kids and he must have something to contribute to my/our future.

If they do not it is a quick adventure to kill time and lift spirits but that's it nothing more and when the lifting is over before the fall happens I am on my merry way and all is left in a nice happy place.   So why with this guy can I not let go.... why did I allow the fall?

How far am I willing to fall I guess is the better question.   I can see through astrology that this relationship will either make us great..... like really really great as a couple and in our own rights.... or it will completely destroy us.   There is no middle ground here.

So my cards are advising me to let go.  Move focus away from him.  I want to quit him.

But I can't.   No matter what I do or how hard I let go over and over or how many of the smoking hottest guys walk into my life, I just can't stop myself from loving him again.  My body floods with emotion not only with thoughts of him but out of nowhere my body will light up and I can feel him.   I just want to love him so much.   It feels so good to love him, and to be honest it even feels good to hate him.   Just being around him is good.

I know I love very easily and so fully and without any conditions... I know I do this because it gets me into a lot of trouble in the world we live in.  People take me as false or they take advantage of me. Most people don't understand me or better to the point I really don't understand most people. But the point for me is.... Unconditional means that I can always see the larger picture of why they do what they do, so I can just shut it off and move on.  Simple for me really....  I do not have a letting go problem anymore because of this awareness and my experiences.

....Until this moment.   I can see Leo and I are in the process of destroying each other and yet I can't stay way, I am wanting to jump in and flip the switch and to get moving the other way.   But I can't because every time I do it gets worse.  Everything that has worked in the past is not working now.  Everything I do makes this worse.   I am completely clueless as for how to proceed and have been since the very first time we saw each other after the great night of 23/06/16.

When I went through the Twelve step fellowship it was widely accepted that if you reminisce about your drug of choice and bring those feelings of the highs back you sabotage going forward.  I can see this on a different level now and however true it is of hard drugs that destroy our lives I look at this last spin of addiction and my greatest fear is the destroy part of the Lion is the addiction side of me.  
The reason this blog had to change focus.

I need to move forward in my life and away from this energy, anything I try to create here is going to be of a lower vibration.  Already I am moving my energy so this is not a concern and why I can allow myself to fall in the love vibration again even if only in my own body with the gorgeous lion.  I can only hope he will catch that energy and follow. maybe catching up with me again when I am in a clearer headspace.  
Maybe then we can shoot for the moon instead of Inanna's underworld. Because I know this guy and I could remodel what a real romance can look like and how two people can live in their own worlds yet meet in the middle as often as possible.

 I have never wanted to love someone as much as I want to love this guy.  I feel like I am dying inside without him.... but then again that might just be a very good thing for now.

NumBing out has its place in one's life and full acceptance of that is what removes an addiction label.  As much as I love fasts and stand behind programs that betters one's life, learning your own truth and that each program or fast serves but a purpose, not a life sentence.

Letting go of old beliefs is the only letting go that ever has to happen, this is what you facilitate through each fast and each program.

Be true to yourself ALWAYS.  No matter how against the grain it go's or even how ugly that looks.  
I fell hard and it wasn't pretty but I have no regrets.  He will go down in my mind as something really fucking great that happened in my life. No matter how things turn out because there are no mistakes in life, just experiences.

Bye Baby.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Welcome to My Twisted Mind

Rejection breeds obsession.

Tony Robbins said this in one of his youtube videos that caused the golden chimes of heaven to ring in my ears like a brass gong sounds off and vibrates through the hearts of monks.

Rejection causes this cataclysmic chain of events to domino in my life.  I go apeshit when someone takes the banana away from me.

Leo the Lion played the rejection game better than any other douche bag I know.  Do I hate him for it?   Sadly the answer to that is no. 

 Rejection breeds obsession and even when the obsession is gone I am left feeling like if he could create such huge drama within me where no other guy has before then who is he, I want to know him even more.   

Is that fucked?   Sure is.   Am I acting on it?  Hells No!

Learning to manage one's mind is a lesson for every single person in the world and to the obsessive, it's a deeper harder lesson to work through.   I am allowing my thoughts to play because as fucked as it is, I still feel a connection to him that I want to believe(checked; belief doesn't hurt me) is a bit different than other connections I have had.

I can usually tell right away how a situation is gonna play out with a guy.  Through experience, Empathy and Hypersensitivity.  We all can read how a guy makes us feel and for many of us we can know how that could escalate on both sides of the love and fear coin.  Playing the tape to the end, so to speak.    This ability for me is a blessing and a curse because it will have me cut someone out within the first meeting or two even though the attraction is crazy good because of what fear he could bring to the table.

If a guy makes it to a third date or more then there is a deeper connection that is created.  Every attracted man and woman will create an energetic bond if they both want that.  Once a bond is created, however short timed it is, sometimes it's hard to break.  Again even if it is a short time.  For the obsessive people that bond gets wicked strong wicked fast and I use wicked twice because it's a fear bond not a love bond and those bonds are crazy strong.

So in my dating years, I really only made a couple bonds, all the rest of the guys I have dated have been nothing but passing the time hotties.  This one is not a passing time hottie.  This one fell in love with me and bonded with me when I was in my brightest light.   But then quickly I fell victim to my own dark fears and ruined all there was between us.

It's the truth I own it.  And his rejection created such a strong obsession in me that it even scared me.  That's why as the obsession wears off and my focus moves back into my life and the obsession lets go of its grip on me I am still left with that base bond we created in a loving vibration.

Do I think there is still hope for us?  Maybe.  Who knows where the wheel of fortune is gonna turn in this one.  It is the first time ever I have had no sense of control over the situation or the guy.  This is a first for me and with all firsts, I never ever do them gracefully.  

So to survive this I must move my focus back into my life and create a reality I want to thrive in.  I know now that to get what I truly want I am gonna have to work at it.   The work in this love arena is the final letting go of obsession and addiction that has plagued my life for seven years now.  

This cycle is broken.

Learning to live without the Obsessive/compulsive label and refocussing on five streams of income to flip my broke ass over to a rich bitch is where this blog must go now.  I am sad to see it leave my love story but in truth, it really isn't leaving it.... it's doing the work necessary to achieve the true results I want in this category....

........  And that's a Harlyquin Romance that leads into a life long partnership.  Where the love is real, the acceptance complete, The strength of self is evident, the passion intense and where the combined creations are out of this world Great.   I know I will be attracted to this man and his attraction will be equal to mine....   

Because what you are seeking is also seeking you, it can be no other way, its the law of attraction and it cannot be denied.

So until that fateful day arrives I will focus on this Twisted Mind.