Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Maybe a Surrender After All.

He is just another guy in my story, right?

I am sure that is what he is thinking if he is reading this,  he surely isnt so I can keep writing.  

What's if he isn't wrong?  

Whats if my falling in love experience will never happen cause I am forcing it too, Like the Ram in me does with everything, force it?  Let's Get'r Done!!  

Do you really think I am forcing it?

I started this Love blog when I met Merlin.   I dont know what was going on between him and I but it felt like magic to me.  I didnt have the heart space to love him but he sure opened me up to something great thats for sure.   Maybe I couldt fall and he knew this because he was gone before the story ever got started. And man it was a good story... Prelude to a Love Story.  At the beginning of this blog

The Lion is sadly following quick on his heals.
Them damn cats.  Fuck why do I love them so much?
Merlin the Lone wolf and Now the Lion.

After Merlin there were a lot of men that never made it to these pages not even as a creative baby spark.   I re- created these pages less then a year ago for Mr. Beautiful Crazy because that man really did fall in love with my Crazy.   He loved my thought processes and my crazy stories and he loved being around me.  Ya He was In love.... Not with me but my Crazy.

That was a heart breaking story and maybe I should be staying present with that before I attempt another cat.  The True heartbreaking part of that story is that I never fell back in love with Mr.   He tried for two years to ignite a spark in me and it just never played out that way.  I loved him only as a friend could with No romance.

So to be fair to the first statement I can safely say that the Lion is not just another guy.  Nothing about him since first meeting has been normal.  Every conversation has ignited something in me I dont get yet.   I feel out of sorts.   Its weird cause its so comfortable with him and its getting exceedingly uncomfortable thinking about how much I want to be in that comfort ALL the time,

I think......

He is the only guy I have sparked with since higheschool.

I feel like my heart is breaking but not the kind that shatters into a million peices and you feel like you are gonna die but the kind that brings you awareness of the delicacy of things.  How one wrong word or action can change the course of things.

When I met The Lion I was stunned.   Truly stunned into Freeze for months.  The When i finally unfroze I was filled with Flirts and giggles.  Then Sadness got me.  Fucking Demon from hell that gets me everytime something great is developing in my life... i think another word for it is self-sabotage.  At its finest playing out as a Harley Quinn Saga, The Joker the Main Squeeze.

Ya not all my moments are fine ones.

Match Struck, Epic Burn.  Guess its time to sit back with a good book and see what is left after everything settles.  No sense in crying over spilt milk yet.   ..... And Just like that the heart moves into safety.

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