Tuesday, March 14, 2017
When we click with someone it is only the first step in merging together to create something even greater than both the parts combined, But first, each part needs to be great.
Am I not great yet?
Have I not done a shit load of work on myself?
Have I not mastered several careers?
Have I not moved my own emotional intelligence from that of a child to adulting daily (obvious mention of my traumatic past to stunt this area of my life)
Have I not spent years alone finding myself?
Have I not mastered my base chakra and have all my needs met?
Have I not moved up the dating latter to recognise douche bags?
Obviously not because I am still attracting to me those who wish to manipulate and harm me with the abuse of my own power.
Why is that?
I am a healer and I take people in emotional pain through a twelve-week program that connects them deeply into themselves, have I not already taken myself through my own program several times?
Then how come I am the one still attracting this pain to myself?
Last night laying in bed I was Chewing on what one of my exes answered in response to my desperate question of ... what is wrong with me, why does none of my relationships ever make it anywhere? His response was shrugged off in the moment, but later had some resounding ripples within my mind.
He said that my Ex-husband hurt me so bad that now all I do is run.
My life focus has been so closely dissecting and ripping apart my childhood that I haven't been able to see anything past those years. My ex-husband 7 years into our marriage, during a big move and a super stressful period of life told me he didn't love me anymore and didn't think he ever had.
I didn't realise until last night how much that last statement effected me.
He had never loved me??
My world shattered that day. It really did.
As far as painful days in my life goes that was by far the worst one in my adult years.
I never brushed it under the carpet, though, I deal with my shit in the moment and broke every glass thing in my home and spent four months deep in battle with him. But Apparently, I planned and plotted for a lot more years.... (obviously subconsciously because let's are honest my heart is too soft to hurt anyone deliberately even if they did just destroy me).......and years to retaliate the feelings, by ditching him in a similar situation exactly seven years after his insult.
I did get my revenge, I am in the last stages of divorce.
Am I after all that STILL holding on to that pain?
Am I so Afraid of another 'fake' love me that I cannot even move into a simple romance?
I know my ex was just under a tonne of stress and didn't actually mean what he said> We worked through that as a couple and things got really great the next seven years, but we still grew apart. But we are both okay with that So why the self inflicted pain still??
We attract to us where we are at..... ALWAYS.
There is absolutely NO exception to this rule. If you are not happy with an area of your life the only way to change it is to change yourself. But first, you have to make a decision to break the pattern and take action to do so.
I cannot repeat a pattern of this any longer. I am done with Holding on to that pain. I need freedom from it All.
I blocked The Lion.
This Virgin obviously has some more letting go to do because The Lion is a force to be reckoned with and he has already abused my power and I am disgusted with myself for allowing it. Attraction can blind us to certain truths. When as women we give away our power to the wrong type of men we find ourselves in pretty ugly places.
As we grow we learn who to get vulnerable with and who not to... but if we are holding a pain then that pain is going to keep coming up over and over again to make us aware of it. You cannot move forward when your holding on to something from the past. It's Like a rubber rope constantly snapping you back.
Mr. beautiful Crazy also had an Ex he was unwilling to deal with the pain she caused him. Instead, he was fighting and retaliating and just causing himself more shit and abuse. I never saw it because I immediately took the healer role in our relationship. Something I will never make the mistake of again. And thought I had gotten so clever with The Lion.
I got too excited at how compatible the energy is between the Lion and myself. I got to lost in my own emotions to notice all my fears were consuming the good in the relationship like a fire sweeps a dry forest... with fierce momentum.
And Now the Lion is Gone.
And I am left picking up the pieces of the misuse of power he used to puppet me with and my own awareness that I created the situation in the first place and I am sure he himself hated being a part of it. Bringing people in on our pain is a highly vulnerable act and if that person doesn't know us well enough yet, .........well its an exposure that can damage.
So lesson here boys and girls..... The onion is never done being peeled.
Apparently, I still need pain in order to discover what needs to be cleared and maybe I am just too eager to work through that pain because I feel pretty embarrassed. Another lesson, don't get involved with Guys that live in your apartment building.... makes for too many tense moments.
It's back to the drawing board for me.
I set the intention to let go of the pain caused by my ex-husband.
Awareness(Painful). Acceptance(Some relief). Action(Change)
I hope that I don't have to change this title again, but in truth, I believe I will, for the meantime anyways.
Part of falling in love....
(something I want to master on this planet and I know will need years upon years within a relationship so I want to get this show on the road as soon as possible)... lol like everything else in my life I approach it with precision and calculated risk)
.... is falling in love with yourself as well.
So its back to my Jeep and all things Momma Love until I can build a new vision and take action. People say love comes to you and they are surely correct but for those of us that need to work at it, it's about taking action and then allowing the balance of flow to take over. As with building my business is the same thing.... set things in motion and see where they go, continually fanning the flames to build momentum.
,,,,What shall I set in motion this time???
Lion you still willing to Play?
Wednesday, March 8, 2017
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
He is just another guy in my story, right?
I am sure that is what he is thinking if he is reading this, he surely isnt so I can keep writing.
What's if he isn't wrong?
Whats if my falling in love experience will never happen cause I am forcing it too, Like the Ram in me does with everything, force it? Let's Get'r Done!!
Do you really think I am forcing it?
I started this Love blog when I met Merlin. I dont know what was going on between him and I but it felt like magic to me. I didnt have the heart space to love him but he sure opened me up to something great thats for sure. Maybe I couldt fall and he knew this because he was gone before the story ever got started. And man it was a good story... Prelude to a Love Story. At the beginning of this blog
The Lion is sadly following quick on his heals.
Them damn cats. Fuck why do I love them so much?
Merlin the Lone wolf and Now the Lion.
After Merlin there were a lot of men that never made it to these pages not even as a creative baby spark. I re- created these pages less then a year ago for Mr. Beautiful Crazy because that man really did fall in love with my Crazy. He loved my thought processes and my crazy stories and he loved being around me. Ya He was In love.... Not with me but my Crazy.
That was a heart breaking story and maybe I should be staying present with that before I attempt another cat. The True heartbreaking part of that story is that I never fell back in love with Mr. He tried for two years to ignite a spark in me and it just never played out that way. I loved him only as a friend could with No romance.
So to be fair to the first statement I can safely say that the Lion is not just another guy. Nothing about him since first meeting has been normal. Every conversation has ignited something in me I dont get yet. I feel out of sorts. Its weird cause its so comfortable with him and its getting exceedingly uncomfortable thinking about how much I want to be in that comfort ALL the time,
He is the only guy I have sparked with since higheschool.
I feel like my heart is breaking but not the kind that shatters into a million peices and you feel like you are gonna die but the kind that brings you awareness of the delicacy of things. How one wrong word or action can change the course of things.
When I met The Lion I was stunned. Truly stunned into Freeze for months. The When i finally unfroze I was filled with Flirts and giggles. Then Sadness got me. Fucking Demon from hell that gets me everytime something great is developing in my life... i think another word for it is self-sabotage. At its finest playing out as a Harley Quinn Saga, The Joker the Main Squeeze.
Ya not all my moments are fine ones.
Match Struck, Epic Burn. Guess its time to sit back with a good book and see what is left after everything settles. No sense in crying over spilt milk yet. ..... And Just like that the heart moves into safety.