Friday, February 17, 2017

One Step Forward, THREE back:(




I am big about the Moon.  I have always been big about the Moon.   I am fairly certain I will Always be big about the Moon.    So this past full moon is no exception in my awe-inspired revelations she popped into my little globe in my own head.

The way the planets have lined up what was begun in September had a chance to be revisited here in February and if the lesson was learned then life would move forward but if the lesson indeed was not you are looking at next august before you can move into your desires as you are still processing a lesson.

Damn lunar eclipse fucking with my mojo.

Obsessive compulsive disorder.   Another way to look at it is addiction.   A spin on it is Manic depressive.  But the bottom line of those all is unchecked thought patterns that lead to a vibration that no one can sustain over the long haul.  

The type of vibration that lovers instantly fall in love but truly it was just manic energy they became engrossed with and once that burns itself out the relationship fizzles too.  

That is the vibration I was just in.   That vibration is excitement that gets too high and turns into fear and that place is a very very very fast manic like speed that tends to burn both ends of the candle within the racing thoughts on just one poor subject.

I know this place all to well.   I built three separate blogs about this place.  This was to be the last of those blogs.   And it still will be it just became apparent to me that I have some work left to do.

I always feel like my heart is gonna crush under the weight of pain every time I move back into balance.  Like when I am manic or trapped in obsession my life is so happy and fun and everything is rose coloured and great and everyone loves a person who is happy right?  

No one loves the girl that is crying, though.   Well not for the tears that are old now and have been hugged away already by friends.  There is a time limit on peoples compassion.  
 It's hard to always be the only one loving you.  I understand the Love you first part and no one will love you better then you love you, but there comes a point in one's life that it gets really really lonely being the only one that shares that love with you.

That's where I am at.   Dropped like a boulder back into my life that is falling apart because I cannot keep my mind on my tasks and I can't seem to move forward to where I need to be in order to find what it is I need in order to function fully in this life.   They say everything you need is within you already and the truth of that is solid.  And I have lived a very great life alone with all I need.

I don't want to live that way anymore.  I WANT to share my life with someone.  I am just starting to accept what we want and what we get might be two totally separate things.  And well that just needs to be okay.  Acceptance and self-awareness are two of the three steps to get any situation on the right track again,

Now it's time to take action.

This was as much a healing blog as it was a fall in love blog so I guess it's time to move it back into the healing zone and get back to the drawing board.



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