Truly I need you in my life.
You have always been here in some form or another since the moment I walked away from my ex-husband. I am finding through absence that my heart turns a weird shade of red when I move to long away from you.
I want my heart vibrant again.
This is how I find that passion. Blogging here.
I want to fall in love. This is no secret. I used to feel like love was a drug and it triggered my addict. Truly Love is a high that my pain body would not allow me to have because it just didn't understand it. So now that it does I want to fall in love.
However, there is a new obstacle.
Finding someone who Loves ALL of me.
I cannot settle. I tried and i just cannot. I know what love feels like because of my own powerful self-love so to meet someone who holds that vibration AND loves my broken personality.....
Well, Lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.
I have had to work through a few people to find one that resonated only to have pushed him hard away... almost like I had to dump my crazy on him hard and fast and run away like a coward so I wouldn't see the look of disgust on his face because that would have killed me. I love myself but I am still a woman and my feelings are deep.
I don't know what to do now. I opoked the wounded Lion and feel like I got a growl and now I am just sitting here.
Staring at the cave wall wondering how if I want to fall in love so bad I keep sabotaging it. Why my fear is stronger then my own love for myself? And please don't tell me I still have work to do or I will spit at this computer screen.
I can handle a friendship with Beautiful Crazy now and understand that is all it was ever meant to be. I can accept Merlin was never intended for my life other then a catalyst. I can accept that Bad boy I dunno number two or some shit did have my heart and did hold it the longest but for me, it was truly just a game... my bad but I didn't love myself yet.
But this guy... I don't even want to dramatise him. I want to go sit in the corner with my very private journal and write my name with his last name all over it for hours on end and being okay with just the fantasy of it all. And truly that pretty much is what I am doing. Even if I wanted to lead, the Leo fire he is emblazed with would never allow that.
All man that one... ALL fucking man. A A A.
But maybe then again someone else's man. I feel sometimes they are always someone else's man. and maybe that belief holds me back. Well from my lips to God's ears... let the belief be broken.
So here I sign off.... feeling a bit disheartened and maybe a bit angry but over all excited about my life and my adventures.... it is surely not boring with a lack of men to choose from that's for sure thank you Instagram.... @mindfalling
It's just none of those guys even the huge black body builder can pull my attention off the Lion in my building.