Sunday, February 26, 2017

Surrender or Flow... Letting Leo the Lion Go?

Surrender and Flow.

What is the difference?  Is there a difference?  Is flow just the new surrender?

As we move from the energy of Pisces to the energy of Aquarius I can see how we move from surrender and waving the white flag to allowing ourselves just to flow through life's trials and tribulations like we are an excited observer of our own lives.

I cannot get on board with the idea of surrender.

 I really can't.  

I have been through a twelve step program that was all about surrender and there were many meetings spent discussing this topic at length and no matter what perspective was taken I could not get on to the idea that surrender was just about letting go.

Surrender brings an image of waving a white flag, does it not?  

Does that white flag not imply some sort of defeat?   If you are to surrender your thoughts,   are you not admitting your thoughts were wrong and thus failure's?   Maybe even if they are, in that defeatist surrender where are you left?  

A barren wasteland riddled with dead bodies?  How is that a good launching ground for your next adventure?

To me when I feel I need to shift gears because my thoughts or a project or a habit has pulled me down into a muddy stuck wheel spinning place, I stop and allow the flow to pick back up and take me out of that sticky spot.   I could keep fighting and try to control the situation, try new angles of wheel turn and different acceleration rates to get unstuck but in truth that just brings a white flag of defeat.

To let go, stop for a moment and call in flow.... in surrender its God you pull to you.  Within Flow, it's your own connection to the universe that slows everything just enough for you to connect with what is around you and before long you know exactly what to do to get out.

I guess you can say the concepts are the same in the letting go aspect.  Letting go of what is causing you pain and stepping into what feels better.

So if surrender is the letting go, the flow would be the next step.  However, I still can't accept surrender as it is to defeatist for me.  I have no desires to put up a white flag, but all the desire in the world to move on to something new right away if what wasn't working before needs to move out of my life.

And what about Flow and surrender in situations that are not let go circumstances but you have no control over and you don't particularly like the way they are going but know in your heart they will come around to where you want them to be.

Whoa....  that was long a wordy lets try that again..

Flow allows you to redirect your course of actions onto a new path until the one you want reconnects with yours again as it goes around that huge island of rocks in the middle of the river.  Flow gives you the option of the colour of raft your on and how to navigate around the rocks but not the choice of river nor who and what connects when.

 So maybe to flow gangsta style one needs to build Noah's boat!

That's where I am at today.   Flowing in a new direction.   It's a new moon and I had hoped that I could have found a way to invite the Lion into my life.

The truth is I do not flow all that gracefully.

 I force and push and hide and run and do all the things you should not do when your showing someone you like them... but whatever.  I could surrender and tell the universe my heart hurts too much and I don't wanna play anymore... I could wave the white flag and say enough I am exhausted.

But in truth, I am not letting go.

I have conditioned my own self to believe I am not worthy of love.  That I am somehow extremely defected and will always struggle for scraps of love.  Through all the programs I have worked I have dug in deeper to that condition like a fat girl digs in deeper to her pain through every diet she tells her body with,  that its not good enough.

To remove the conditioning means more work on my part, not surrendering and giving up.  How does surrendering move me forward?  It doesn't.   Flow and allowing my higher self and the universe to move situations into my life that allow me to move out of this conditioning is how I would rather proceed.

I don't want to give up on that Lion....


Because I am done giving up on potential partners.  I say I want someone in my life and yet attract to me people that want to hurt me.  That's not a blame thing, truly, its a reality of where I am still at.  Those mere morsels of love, remember.

Well, the Lion is a full nine-course meal far from mere morsels it would take me the rest of my life to get through all he could offer me.   I am truly tired of surface superficial people that have nothing to offer me but their skin deep problems.

I want excitement and romance and I want to be pushed out of my comfort zone and I want to learn something new and I want to be the receiver and to feel my breath betraying me when I want to play it cool.   I want to not have any idea what is gonna happen next and to be surprised and amused by every situation we have.  I want to feel like a giggling school girl and for my life to be lived from that place of carefree fun.

There are not a lot of men that have true smiles in the world.  Many men cannot laugh deeply or even have an ability to flow with life.   This guy has those abilities and creates all those things above.

Where I created flowery words on these pages before in hopes of creating my dream man using the ingredients I had to work with in my life at those moments.

.... I have now begun to stumble upon these creations in real life.... and when I say stumble I mean kamikaze crash landing into his apartment in the middle of the night kinda stumble.   The grand experience you tell your grandkids about.

When you meet someone who brings you into a new version of yourself and one you like better then any of the You's that have gone before...    You hold on to that guy and you do what is necessary to flow with not only your needs but his as well.

And for a chance at a life with Leo the Lion..... I can flow.

New moon I had hoped you would have heard my plea and made this journey easier for me, but alas that may not be the case.  So there is an element of surrender after all in walking away from the Lion to allow him his space to decide if the chick that kamikazed into his apartment in the middle of the night and shook up his life is worth all the chaos she will surely bring to his tightly nit world.

 It's a scary place waiting to see if someone wants you or not.

Flowing away in a situation like this sure feels like a defeat,  I can see why people call it surrender.  I don't wish for my guides to think I have let go of the lion though because I indeed have not.  I just need to flow where it feels good right now and that's away from all things romantic...

Flow away from  the Lion and into some deep action steps.


 Let me develop my business

while I wait for the lion to lick his wounds and regain his composure after this feline attacked his slumber.

 I am stronger Leo, don't ever forget that if you wanted a match, you met her.   Don't end up losing her by taking to long with those wounds life has a way of moving faster than you realise.

Surrender or Flow?  

Let go is to give up, or to move on to something new while you wait?
Twin flame concept.... get creative while you wait.   I like that one.
So let the creations begin and new life flow to me!!

I am Ready!!

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Woo Hoo,

The Lion Is Pissed right the Fuck off!

Let the New Games Begin!

Friday, February 17, 2017

One Step Forward, THREE back:(

I am big about the Moon.  I have always been big about the Moon.   I am fairly certain I will Always be big about the Moon.    So this past full moon is no exception in my awe-inspired revelations she popped into my little globe in my own head.

The way the planets have lined up what was begun in September had a chance to be revisited here in February and if the lesson was learned then life would move forward but if the lesson indeed was not you are looking at next august before you can move into your desires as you are still processing a lesson.

Damn lunar eclipse fucking with my mojo.

Obsessive compulsive disorder.   Another way to look at it is addiction.   A spin on it is Manic depressive.  But the bottom line of those all is unchecked thought patterns that lead to a vibration that no one can sustain over the long haul.  

The type of vibration that lovers instantly fall in love but truly it was just manic energy they became engrossed with and once that burns itself out the relationship fizzles too.  

That is the vibration I was just in.   That vibration is excitement that gets too high and turns into fear and that place is a very very very fast manic like speed that tends to burn both ends of the candle within the racing thoughts on just one poor subject.

I know this place all to well.   I built three separate blogs about this place.  This was to be the last of those blogs.   And it still will be it just became apparent to me that I have some work left to do.

I always feel like my heart is gonna crush under the weight of pain every time I move back into balance.  Like when I am manic or trapped in obsession my life is so happy and fun and everything is rose coloured and great and everyone loves a person who is happy right?  

No one loves the girl that is crying, though.   Well not for the tears that are old now and have been hugged away already by friends.  There is a time limit on peoples compassion.  
 It's hard to always be the only one loving you.  I understand the Love you first part and no one will love you better then you love you, but there comes a point in one's life that it gets really really lonely being the only one that shares that love with you.

That's where I am at.   Dropped like a boulder back into my life that is falling apart because I cannot keep my mind on my tasks and I can't seem to move forward to where I need to be in order to find what it is I need in order to function fully in this life.   They say everything you need is within you already and the truth of that is solid.  And I have lived a very great life alone with all I need.

I don't want to live that way anymore.  I WANT to share my life with someone.  I am just starting to accept what we want and what we get might be two totally separate things.  And well that just needs to be okay.  Acceptance and self-awareness are two of the three steps to get any situation on the right track again,

Now it's time to take action.

This was as much a healing blog as it was a fall in love blog so I guess it's time to move it back into the healing zone and get back to the drawing board.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Lion Heart Lets Just Do this Already!!

Oh, Baby.  

Truly I need you in my life.

You have always been here in some form or another since the moment I walked away from my ex-husband.  I am finding through absence that my heart turns a weird shade of red when I move to long away from you.

I want my heart vibrant again.

This is how I find that passion.    Blogging here.

I want to fall in love.  This is no secret.   I used to feel like love was a drug and it triggered my addict.  Truly Love is a high that my pain body would not allow me to have because it just didn't understand it.   So now that it does I want to fall in love.

However, there is a new obstacle.

Finding someone who Loves ALL of me.

 I cannot settle.  I tried and i just cannot.  I know what love feels like because of my own powerful self-love so to meet someone who holds that vibration AND loves my broken personality.....

Well, Lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.

I have had to work through a few people to find one that resonated only to have pushed him hard away... almost like I had to dump my crazy on him hard and fast and run away like a coward so I wouldn't see the look of disgust on his face because that would have killed me.   I love myself but I am still a woman and my feelings are deep.

I don't know what to do now.  I opoked the wounded Lion and feel like I got a growl and now I am just sitting here.

Staring at the cave wall wondering how if I want to fall in love so bad I keep sabotaging it.  Why my fear is stronger then my own love for myself?  And please don't tell me I still have work to do or I will spit at this computer screen.

I can handle a friendship with Beautiful Crazy now and understand that is all it was ever meant to be.  I can accept Merlin was never intended for my life other then a catalyst.   I can accept that Bad boy I dunno number two or some shit did have my heart and did hold it the longest but for me, it was truly just a game... my bad but I didn't love myself yet.

But this guy... I don't even want to dramatise him.  I want to go sit in the corner with my very private journal and write my name with his last name all over it for hours on end and being okay with just the fantasy of it all.   And truly that pretty much is what I am doing.   Even if I wanted to lead, the Leo fire he is emblazed with would never allow that.

All man that one... ALL fucking man.    A   A   A.

But maybe then again someone else's man.  I feel sometimes they are always someone else's man.  and maybe that belief holds me back.   Well from my lips to God's ears... let the belief be broken.

So here I sign off.... feeling a bit disheartened and maybe a bit angry but over all excited about my life and my adventures.... it is surely not boring with a lack of men to choose from that's for sure thank you Instagram....   @mindfalling

It's just none of those guys even the huge black body builder can pull my attention off the Lion in my building.