Saturday, January 21, 2017
Self doubt killed the Cat
Swinging the pendulum between my new life and my old life is a terribly uncomfortable feeling full of a wild amount of self-doubt.
How do I become something so different from what I was yet at the same precise moment just step into what it is that I have always been but had ignored out of fear of my own brilliance? How come self-doubt is such a huge thing that it can completely debilitate one?
I am trapped in self-doubt. Self-doubt. Self-doubt. If I say it enough times maybe I will wear it out and it will just go away.
I spent years in another blog writing about the releasing of my addictions once by one. I had a silent following with that blog that only years upon years later people began telling me how powerful my writing was. I had no idea at the time. But I wasn't writing for them I was writing for me so it didn't matter that No-one was reading it.
So how come it matters to me now?
I used to write my fantasy world of love here. and again I didn't really care who read this blog yet I knew in my heart what I was doing here was different. I was beginning to paint my own story. I was wanting to see the words I wrote here begin to manifest in my real life and truly it was a fifty fifty of what I was already creating and recording and the other way as well. I stopped writing here after Mr beautiful crazy and I broke up because the friendship couldn't move where I needed it to in order to feel okay about it.
So now I have moved on to create my own addiction programs and I am only two of four in and I am faced with the largest case of self-doubt I have ever had before. I am fairly good at just rolling with my life and going where the wind takes me and if I am being true to myself it normally takes me some place pretty great or at least keeps me fed and entertianed. But now I am working at actually accomplishing something beyond what the wind can drop me into and I find I am spinning the hamster ball in my head.
Maybe addiction still has me trapped and I cannot move forward until I too have walked in my program. I am working on teaching moderation more so then the all or nothing attitude but I question am I in moderation if my thoughts are half a days worth on a younger guy that may or may not be interested in me. No solid proof other then he has fun when he is around me. thats pretty slim pickings if thats all I am going on right?
For me addiction is my obsessive thoughts. For all people addiciton is nothing more then the thought process's they use. They choose to give their power to something else so they themselves do not need to be responsable for their lives. Am I allowing a guy control over my thoughts so I again do not need to take responsability?
As always I have two guys on my mind because thats how I always roll. One guy dropped a subconscious seed about how he loves my place and would like to live there. I dont obsess about this guy because he is exactly right down to some crazy accuaracy Mr. beautiful crazy in a different skin. can or do i even want to embark on that path again? virgo and aquariuos isnt the greatest Match in the world. But the leo that I am tracking gets me so worked up I cannot focus on my work and honestly I dont really feel he feels the same way about me. he was interested and then I didnt act and he lost attraction and now that I am interested the ship may have sailed..... know what I mean?
So all my thought and energy is making its way here in my hamster ball and for that I am neglectng my addictions program and my daughters financial well being. because if some money doesnt start coming in soon the kid and I will be in some serious trouble.
So again I move back to..... how to I work through this incredible self doubt that is threatening to destroy me? How do i call to myself new expereinces that i have never felt before to move me away from the ones i fall so easily inot and become trapped because of?
That is what a hypnotherapist is suppose to do yet I cannot even do it for myself?
What do I have going on? Where am i now and where do i want to be. How do i feel and what do i want to feel instead. it always comes from within.... never outside of one self and the minute you place that power outside of yourself you have lost the game. So how do i keep inward forcus on an outward world? inward focus in an unhealthy way leads to arrogance and judgment. i have such a fine line that i am travelling right now... like a tight rope of my life and everything feels so hard.
Well now that i have rambled away and really didnt solve anything for myself other then to write something from my heart in the middle of working on designing a hypnosis for people wanting to feel differently about themselves and their lives. i am all good when the words can free flow from me but not soe good when i am trying to paint visions for strangers.
well i guess it is time to get back too it. Thankd for letting me verballing vent. I have missed you. it s been a long while.