Monday, October 30, 2017

Maybe it was Written in the Stars?

 I just can't let you go.  I really truly cannot.  I think you may be my true north.

I have experienced a lot of years on this earth and I have mastered certain things within myself over the past seven-year cycle and one of those things is my mind and how my thoughts work.   I am a hypnotherapist for crying out loud!!   Yet every time I try to eradicate you from my life in the pursuit of a new adventure you keep lurking loudly in the near background of my mind and my heart.

Why can I not let you go?   Why is it you that still makes me happy even though you are not here?

 Why is it that you bring me comfort in a time of my life that is blossoming and becoming something greater then I have ever known?   How come I still need this creative avenue even though its what I identify as my sanity for the past seven years.... because we all know I have had very little sanity in those times!! 

Can I not let this phase of my life go, or is the only part that is supposed to come along with me?

Do we burn all the bridges of our past when we move from one cycle to the next? 

I know without a doubt it has been the only way I could move forward.  By physically removing all people, places and things that I associated with that past cycle I could let go with more ease.   How come that is not the same here?   Is this different?  Was he always supposed to be my future and that is why I truly, truly, truly cannot let go?

Am I still just batshit crazy?

I was with my ex-husband for two seven-year cycles, that last cycle was surely a not meant to be because it was a bit hellish.   For him mostly, I took every opportunity I could to grow and move away from who I was in that relationship(I hated myself, 250lbs of misery).   The next seven-year cycle is the one I am just coming out of now and it was truly a cycle that was full of pain, and guilt and anger and all feelings I could not express politely in this fucked up society we live in. 

But now,   Oh how now, is so much different. 

I am finally moving forward, I am finally picking up where I left off when I was bettering myself in the last seven-year cycle.   You see that whole cycle I prayed that my ex-husband could step up and be the man I was desiring.   Someone who believed in what I did, someone who was manly and strong and a fierce protector.  Someone who could share energy and visions for our future, someone who wanted to build something with me.... something great.

Out of my prayers came the removal of him from my life entirely.   Sometimes we cannot get what we want.   It was easy for me to see this and move on, after trying for seven years of course.

After leaving my ex the search for the man of my prayers began. 

Thus the birth of this blog and my next seven years.

 I really do believe things are in our heart for a reason.  We desire deeply the things we are meant to have.   I am not talking fleeting wishes and pipe dreams.   I am speaking of those things you just cannot Let go of no matter what.  I have known for a long time that I was gonna go back to school to be able to run a successful business one day and even though it has taken me a long time to get the courage up and to build the life situation to be able to do this am doing it now. 

I do have a lover out there that is my Equal that can And will combine energy with me in order for both of us to achieve something greater then we can on our own.   I still believe this in every part of my being.  I really do.   I know I can accomplish all of what I want on my own, but with a partner that shares the same ideals and aspirations well fuck then we can go two times higher then I can alone. 

That is what I want.

That was the purpose of this blog Since day one.  A Fantasy love Story that would turn out to be mine and his truth that we could share with the world one day.

 Merlin said to me one day that we would write a book together and I believed him.   My astrological chart with the Lion speaks of the exact same thing.  I am not sure what lions totem is but I was told when dating bad boy Number one that I should wait for the Bumble Bee and truly the looks of the lion is that of a bumble bee with matched energy and charm.  I have had two psychics reach out to me in the past two months in regards to The Lion trying to inform me that he is the answered prayer and has always been destined to me but I am nervous to believe them.

I have been through a lot in the past seven years and truly I am ready to walk away from my own dreams.  A case of if you love something set it free and allow it to come back to you in its own space and time.  I have had ample experience with this lately and see the validity in being ready for what you want and well maybe I am just not ready for my equal to come along yet.

This is me passively letting go in the moment yet my heart is still very much attached to the notion of twin flame love.  I know this because I can feel him.   I know this because when I am near him I can feel more of my own feelings and something deep and primal awakens within me and I am not all in control as I have been in the past.  And I like it.  No, actually I LOVE it.

I feel like Merlin and Mr Beautiful Crazy were sent to me to prepare me for something even greater and that no matter what I choose or what I do, I am destined for the arms of someone great.  I had once desperately wanted it to be one of those men but today I am no longer desperate I am actually running from it.....  this is what tells me, its real.

So I guess I won't be letting this go after all.  I guess this is the way I will communicate with him after all.   Where it all started as a form of communication with Merlin to now reaching out to the Lion is an attempt to share what I am feeling in the moment for him.   Maybe this will bridge the massive gap that seems to be between us even though we live in the same apartment building....

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Good Bye Deep Feeling Dive, Coming up for Air Now!

I just about deleted you last night. 

I wanted to bring an end to this illusion.  I wanted to bring closure to a brain pattern that no longer infects me with delusional thoughts of My Loving Lion, or what started it all... The Merlin and of course the painful jaunt of  Mr. Beautiful Crazy. 

I wanted to kill my dream of Romance and Love.

Part of me today still wants that and then the other more compassionate forgiving romantic side of myself wants to gracefully bow out leaving the legacy of pain behind her.   Giving rise to a new kind of way by not having to burn the bridge of the old way.....

I got absorbed into my own writings last night and realized that this really isnt over for me.   I set an intention many times within this blog and I have yet to fulfil it.   Maybe I have too much faith or hope in the future. 

This is where I am struggling in my life.... Hope and the Now.... Faith and the Truth.

Hope and the now....  Hope is a feeling that the future is going to be better.   My new brain patterns tell me there is only ever this moment.   In this moment, is the Now, and we are all starting to read into the Power of the Now so if we are always feeling peace and immediate emotions in the Now then what need do we have of hope and the future?   

It is my journey into the present that I am learning that the power is right here, because if I don't like whats happening in the now I change it right away because my feeling is not in the future it is right now therefor hope is the waste of emotion because it really does not make changes just pacifies feelings of gloom.   I would rather not pacify but act instead in favor of change. 

Would you not agree?

But faith and truth go a bit deeper for me.   I used to interchange faith and hope but as I discect the feeling of hope I feel faith is a bit different.   Sometimes there are things in our present that no matter what we do we cannot change them so therefore we need to practice an acceptance of them.   Because there is a deeper nagging feeling to us that wants us to know something even if we are not ready to know it.  does that makes sense?   You know that feeling that makes no sense but you just can't seem to shake it so you follow it?   The situation isn't the greatest but you're getting a lot out of it so you continue on for a time until the feeling is no longer enjoyable? 

This is the faith that is holding my let go back.  This is faith taken a step to far.

 I have tried to shake the lion off me. 

So many times I have worked at letting this illusion go because its causing me to be crazy, to feel crazy to act crazy to generally be out of myself with emotions and actions.   A huge part of me loves every minute of the crazy but then the rational part of me says I am getting caught in an illusion that is going to hurt me far more than any other I have been involved with.

So my faith has blurred my truth. 

 I am so anti-Christian right now it turns my stomach because I have watched a close friend go down with this toxic ship.  Christians wrecked the bible.   I can honestly say I HATE that religion because of its need to consume.   It has gotten to big and gone to far and now it wants to consume everyone and everything in its path and convert it to either Godliness or the Devil.  Dualistic Bullshit.   Today's concept of faith is heavily Christian, faith in a higher power outside yourself.   My friend this week upset me so bad with this level of faith she has in her religion that I have rethought every area of my life and the level of faith I have placed on each one.  And I brought the concept back to a very real and tangible place.

Faith is beleiviing that what you are working on will pan out for you in the end.

Every journey has some rough patches and its this faith that pulls you through those times we need extra discipline or patience.   So faith is a word that I can definitely keep in my reality the question thus bears answering then is how much faith is too much faith? 

When do i cross the line from faith leading to discipline into faith blinding me to the truth?

Is the Lion really here? 

Was Merlin? 

Mr. Crazy beautiful was physically present but was his heart? 

Am I keeping a faith in something that no longer exists?  Or has never existed and no amount of vision boards and prayers is gonna create that reality for me so the faith I have is actually in an untruth.   Am i just living in yet another illusion and using my amazingly strong creative energy to bring into existence something that can never be? 

Do the whitelighters even know there are limits to what can be created for any one genetically made up person?

Maybe this is my limit?    Maybe this is as far as I am to go with my romantic adventures.  Maybe coming to acceptance that my faith is warping my truth and now I must move forward into a direction I have always known was a part of my path maybe the reward I had hoped to seek as a reassurance and guide along the way is actually not to come to pass and this is how I am meant to keep my faith in check?

My heart breaks every time I work on releasing this dream like a stronger part of me just wont let go.  in the past, it was an all or nothing for me.  today I function just fine outside the desires that lovingly consume me so that part of me that rationalizes is keeping things in perspective for me so thereofr can I not have both faith in my strong desires, and truth in my mission?   

I can't let this go, not yet anyway. 

I have fallen in love with the lion. 

This blog was originally titled,  2bawakened.   I had known all along that I have never been woken to my full love potential and I knew in my heart that it would only be through romantic intimacy that an opening would occur.   I knew these things not from experience but a faith in my heart.  And the solid truth is that the faith i had in the opening did actually occur and it was the lion that opened me.  Can I walk away from this now?   Now knowing that the intention of the blog has proved itself valid... should i abandon ship now that i have finally set it to sea?

Is this where my story shall end?  Just when i finally set sail?   Maybe the real question i should be asking myself is.... the one that opens you is he the balance you have been seeking?  Is he the adventure and the intentions you have set?  Is he the one ready to pounce with you through life?  Or did he just have a roll to play and he played it well?

Shall I just be thankfull and move on now.   allowing a new blog to pick up in the sea my new direction?   Have i come a full 360 but in a new light?   When you love something set it free kinda of thought.  better to loved and lost then to never have loved.  Be grateful for the open heart and move on? 

Why are we always pacifying ourselves with these ridiculous peices of advice floating all over the internet?

Sometimes when I get real and look back at all my relationships and question why they never get really far I have to face certain facts about myself.   And getting real, I don't want to let the Lion Go but I have to if I cannot let my pain go... he cannot reside in the same place as me and my pain.   This is a certain truth within my faith of this blog I only now understand through writing this piece and editing it. 

I am finally ready to let go of the pain the men in my life have caused me caused.   

Allowing all the darkness to pull away from me as I write this. 

The pain from the first man that hurt me all the way up to the pain that the Lion inflicted with his scratches (blood in the cut?). 

 It's time to feel the pain and allow it to wash away.  Waves of memory can wash over as each pain comes up to be noticed.  Let go of each memory accepting the pain they caused, understand why but the pain must be accepted anyways. 

Moving forward you will have many opportunities if you are just living, Just Live,  to release these pains as they come up to be cleared. 

It becomes a matter of choosing enjoyment over pain.  we are now conditioned to pain so reconditioning to Love thoughts takes and discipline....

Practice Love thoughts because its only in the love that we can let go of the pain.... getting hurt is part of that release and its okay.  It is better then praying for a release and forcing ones(Heritics and spiritual healers). 

Just live in the now and trust your feelings in the moment but learn to let go of the pain so that the moment is more enjoyable... even if it is an illusion for a time... the more enjoyable will always be the right path.  Even illusions become painful quickly thats when you choose something different to feel enjoyable about..... hence the closing down of this blog for me. 

Nothing feels enjoyable here anymore... not in my real world anyway.  It brings me way to much pain and I am just not that interested in it anymore. 

Going back to school.... now that brings my heart joy. 

Its time to change it up, I have had enough lessons here.

My next blog will be an academic one.  A blog to bring me OUT of my feelings.... These past seven years were too deep into them for me.  Way too Deep.

So I guess truly, in the end, this is a good bye afterall.  From killing it to keeping it, from illusion to reality,  this has always what my writings have down for me.

 I am not giving up on love I am just redirecting my focus, I have learned all I need to know in this department, for now, I am ready to just live it.  I just want to LIVE IT now.

 Hugs.  I wish you the best for this was quite the trip with you! 

Don't lose me,  Come find me in the academic circles now..............


Friday, September 29, 2017


I feel like I have been waiting my whole life to be opened up. 

I realize now it has finally happened and even though the one that opened me up doesn't want me I have to find happiness in the fact that I am indeed open now.

Hard lessons to learn:  guys can smell an open woman miles away and will go what they can to break her if they themselves are broken.   My heart is crushing under the weight of this knowledge and how hurting our world is.

Learning to love ourselves is so commonplace now but the truth is we cannot open ourselves up.  It takes another human with an open heart to open a closed heart.  I am grateful to the male that opened me up even if it is so bittersweet i can barely taste any of the sweetness in it. 

Now that I am open I find I am attracting all the guys in the world that are wishing to be opened but not at all ready to be.  As what goes around comes around and it is my payment for not being ready when the lion awoke me.

I come here to you now to place in a sacred space my need to move out of this cycle and into my own open heart where i can revel in the magic of my own love.  I am too raw to be present with these men that want nothing more from me then to sip at my very essence.   I am too raw to be rejected in this heart open place, although the rejection is not seen as such a negative thing as it once was, it still hurts all the same.

Loving my daughter, our new kitty, my jobs and coworkers on a whole new level is too be my focus now I guess and although that makes me feel so utterly sad as i have so much love to give and it just keeps growing the more i give it, but whatever it hurts to much out there in the world to love strangers.

I dont know where I am going or what is going to happen now that I understand this truth, but i do know my only goal is to keep my heart open.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Heart Bleed because my Head is done Trying.

What happens when you have wanted something for so long that you finally give up on it because its obviously not out there for you?   Do you go back to the drawing board and change your expectations?   Do You move on to something totally different conceding that it was never in the plans for you in the first place?   Do you allow feelings of defeat to embrace you?   Or do you shake it off and joyfully move on to a new experience instead?

This is where I am at.   Maybe there is no romantic love out there.  Maybe the movies are great big teasers that are set in motion to create impossible dreams for the weak minded like me.   Maybe its pipe dreams that keep my heart beating with the excitement of anticipation.   Maybe its just the anticipation that I am looking for and not really wanting a partner in the first place?

I have so many questions and absolutely no answers to why this is always so hard for me and why I feel like I have so much resistance in this area of my life when others just easily fall in and out of love all the time.   Maybe I am always wanting what I can't have, thus making it harder on myself.

I think it's just time to let go and settle into something that makes me feel safe and secure.   Something I can feel good about but doesn't take me over the top.   Maybe my gigantic love affair and wishing to change the views of romance is not in the cards for me.   Maybe my life is meant to be lived more quietly.   More subtly.

I feel so tired today.  So sad.   Which is weird cause my life is at the incredibly great place?  but I can't stop focussing on the one thing I don't have instead of seeing all the great things I do have.  I think it's normal for the accomplished person to be seeking out that one last element to complete the picture one has in their heads about what happiness looks like.

I am happy now.   I am content and full right now.   I just want someone to crawl into bed with at the end of the night to share that with...... but do I really?   Because would I not have manifested that already if I did?

Maybe we don't even truly know what we want.   And maybe what we have is all we really want we are just to busy caught up in what the movies tell us we want.  

Today I guess I will choose to be at peace and let my heart cry out for what it feels its missing.  Maybe she can get a response because my head sure isn't.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Day Nine of the Ten Day Writing Challenge.

Today I noticed that when I am with other people my mind is connected and strong.... with the right kind of people that is.... but right now when I am alone my mind is only on my current obsession and that's it.  

As a hypnotherapist i understand how to reprogram my thoughts, the problem lies in the wanting of that outcome.  

My desire for the unavailable man is paramount.

It is time to change my desires.

rereading what I wrote yesterday almost gagged me.    How can I be so in love with nothing more than a fantom image... an energy that may or may not be there?   How can I allow someone to play emotional games with me?   Do I not love myself enough to WANT to feel good?

Yes, I actually do.   And even though I know in less than an hour I will forget this new train of thought, I feel good right now getting back to the greatness of me.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Move Mountains, Then Rest.

I don't think of him as much.
But only because my life has gotten busy
In my quiet moments, he is there
Bringing me tears of love
causing my heart to ache with longing
then my mind to smash with reality
He isn't here.
only in my mind.

Then he smiles at me in the hall
or jokes with me in the parking lot
and the connection is reestablished
round and round on the merry-go-round
my heart swirls not sure if it is worth the wait
but knowing it will, regardless

He who masters patience
masters his life

When he laughs my world light up
Like a new fairy getting her wings
when he draws near to me my knees go weak
my heart flutters threatening a heart attack
When he soothes me with his words
everything is blissfully right in my world

I can wait for a deeper connection
it is worth the wait.  He is worth the work.

The work is always transferrable
and with each opportunity taken
another one will arise out of the failure
if failure shall occur
there are no right or wrong choices
just a path that is set out before you
both choices lead to the same destination

Enjoy the mountain air.
Baby, you have arrived.
Now Your king is on his way.

Day eight of the ten day... Today I noticed challenge.

And that having missed several days in the middle because life got very fun and busy over the long weekend the last thing on my mind was sitting at my computer to write..  and therefore that is what I noticed.

I used to be a discipline junkie where if I missed a day of a challenge I would hear all the motivational guru's going through my head.... get 'r done, get back at it... don't let a trip turn into a fall. I don't hear those voices anymore, I am past that.

I also don't hear the voices of my parents or childhood taunters anymore.   I no longer hear the voices of the 12 step fellowship telling me what is right and what is wrong.  I no longer hear my ex's loving words soothing nor there bitter tears downs at the end.

Today I have noticed all I hear now..... is my own voice of reason, love and discernment.  

It's a great feeling that through my own connection to my highest self no longer does the guidance of others dominate my choices in life.   And this is including my tarot reading which I did just state a couple days ago where overtaking my life... my new voices of, reason?   Not well received, just saying.

I have come a long way from where I was when I was born into this world, obviously, not just age has changed me, but all the hard work I have put into myself to become the person I desired when I was very little.... A strong woman in her own right wealthy in all avenues of happiness and free in the very face of interdependence.  

Truly on the day eight of a writing daily challenge I have noticed..  I have arrived at the destination I had sought for myself 30 years ago.

Now that I am sitting on the top of my mountain, I know exactly what I want and I know exactly how to get it......

I wait.

Today I noticed.....

My cards are all over a change of home.    Part of me wants this and the other part of me does not...

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Day Six.... Today I noticed..

Why do feelings not match reality sometimes?   Why is it that we can bend the signs to fit what we want and not what is really happening?  Why is it that when we become more enlightened we also become more powerful at controlling our circumstances... and not to our benefit.

 Thats the responsibility that comes along with enlightenment, the more you abuse your new powers the more you get slapped by universal law.  Sometimes those smack downs are incredibly painful and life shaking.

I ask myself over and over again how do I let go.  I ask myself over and over again how do I move forward?   I am trying to learn to hold on to my visions and not be like a feather floating on the wind anymore because I want to create something of substance in my life but I don't know how to work at something when challenges get in the way.

When are the challenges telling us the path is not a worthy one and when do we view the challenges as needed obstacles to strengthen us?   How much time are we willing to waste on a particular path before we have to back up all the  way to the beginning to start all over again?

Today i noticed i am building courage and self love on a deeper level.   I am not as swayed by another actions and more in tune with what I know to be real within me and that knowledge brings me peace and truly thats the feeling I want these days... Love and Peace.

I dont know where my path is taking me but I do know that even in the pain there is a level of comfort knowing it is for a greater purpose.  Gone are the feelings of suffering and truly my situation has not changed just my perception of it.  Why did my perception change?  Because no matter how I felt about what was happening between the Lion and I whenever we met up in person it was always different from how I felt in my imaginations.  

Sometimes its better and sometimes it worse then what I imagined and sometimes it reinforces my beliefs and sometimes it destroys them all together.  I feel crazy most of the time and the rest of the time i feel grateful just to still be able to be in his presence when the universe see's fit to put us together for a moment or two.

I believe my sacrifice has come and I am willing to have just mere moments with him at the expense of anything less then because I cannot tolerate being less then with someone else, all I do is judge the situation and compare it to how the Lion makes me feel .... and those experiences never compare.  

So until the cosmic design pulls us apart I will be grateful for just moments of his time and hopefully a thought or two sent in my direction will feed my soul and passion enough.   Until I can have him deeply within me, I shall fill my passion with my Jeep and building my dreams because i have a sneaky feeling when and if I do get a good crack at Leo it will only be for a short time before he will be off and running again... best to keep a good hold of my own life during the process.

Today I noticed.... I am much stronger.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Day Five..... Today I Noticed.

When we keep our focus forward it allows the universe to bring things to us without our scrutiny and over analyzations.  We truly are our own worst enemies.

So I am working my ass off to create five streams of income right now.  I never want to be as broke as I was this past winter.  That need to not ever be there again has created this desire so strong in me that my motivation and determination are finally stronger then my need to fall in love and have the greatest sexual union this planet has ever seen.  

It has been the focus of my new serving job to pay for my Jeep Hobby, My Apartment building super attendant position with the reduced rent that pays my living costs, My Grounds maintenance position with the owner of the building I care take pays for the building of My Mindfalling program which will replace my income stream in the winter from the grounds position and I am just waiting on my fourth stream of income to begin after May long weekend, landscaping with a new up and comer to the scene here in GP.  

I am still looking for a fifth stream of income but I figure that will come in the winter through online opportunities that will open up for me once i get my toes wet in that field.  But that is not what is the really the exciting part of this post.... with my attention being focused on my business launch and the foundation i need to lay before that big day, Leo the Lion snuck up behind me!!

Onyx stones.   I am telling ya they are all the bomb if you want to not act like a retard around the guy your infatuated with.  Onyx helps ground a person and reduces excitability..... I am kangaroo jumpy around this guy.  My attraction to him and my desire to be with him is so overwhelming that I cannot string a proper sentence together so then I just wanna attack or crawl all over him because obviously my words and mind are not gonna get me to where I wanna be.   Ya, the latter was not working in my favor at all.... quite the opposite actually.

After ignoring him and then when I could no longer do that as we see each other almost daily in our apartment building I was cool and detached.  I think he liked that much better because now I can finally have a conversation with him without losing my fucking junk in my head and dropping it to my trunk and letting the baby bits talk for me.... jeez, women are built just like men when it comes to sexual craze.

So what I noticed today..... when you are moving forward in your own life and placing energy, attention and focus on what will better you in that moment then the universe adds your desires and rewards into the mix.... you cannot chase your rewards, you must chase the work.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Day Four of.... Today I noticed.

Seeings as I love writing in the mornings, its more a yesterday I noticed but I am writing it today kinda thing.

So yesterday after getting only two lines in here before my day rushed off in a wild start without me, I noticed how obsessed I get when I am bored and how much validation I need when I am scared.

Fear grips us and we cannot move.  But in truth life has pauses and stops that cause me such great anxiety that in those nice little floats I burn my life to the ground because I cannot sit still... I repeat, I cannot sit still.    Shark is my birth totem and those fuckers cant stop swimming or they sink.  They are not built like other fish.  I don't think I am built like other humans.

So yesterday I got my jeep up and running again and felt pretty super star for having been able to afford it.  That level of vibrational increase brought about many calls and texts from guys.  Its weird how they can sniff out a girl who is feeling really good about herself.   I just wish that I could find one that is okay with me when I am not feeling really good about myself.

I am still on the guy thing but I am now beginning to understand that when I am moving forward they have no choice but to chase me.  Its when I am idle that I must learn not to chase them but to sit still with my own company until my life is moving forward again.  

I am very bad for beating myself up when things don't seem to be moving at the pace I want them too and this has got to stop.  It is in those self beatings that I do the most damage to my life.   We are our own worst enemies because in truth no one really gives a shit about us and our lives.  And thats not a sad pity statement its more about the truth of how self centered we are as humans.  we create from within its natural and normal to be the center of our universe.  We just tend to forget everyone else has their own universes as well that they are center of and trust me when I say of your the center of theirs watch out for a toxic ride of pure imbalance at every turn.

This is where psychology comes into play with the two healthy bubbles just touching each other to make for a great relationship, not the two become one model.  that has always been outdated, it just takes a ridiculously long time for us humans to change.  Again why you dont choose a partner you think will change for you because even if thats true the patience you would need to have would be astronomical to stick around and endure the pain of that happening or the latter is the path... death to their spsirt as they become who you want them to be.

I still am crazy about the fucking Leo.   All these guys calling, texting and sniffing around and all I do is compare them to the Lion and none of them meet up, or if they do becuease i am in a hate on mood for the fucking cat it only lasts moments and I remember that he can match me in whtever frequency I am in.   And thats what i am looking for.... total match of crazy... not picture perfect.

Day three of ... Today i noticed...

I am ridiculously insecure of my own feelings... distrustful of them.... in constant need of reassurance.

I am addicted to online Tarot readings and psychic readings.

I am in a place in my life where change is so prevelant that i am afraid and cannot trust the choiuces and directions presented to me, i am seeking outside validation at every turn.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Day Two of the Today I noticed challenge...

10 days of writing every day to increase the flow of creativity and to put the wheels in motion to a new level of consciousness and vibration in my world.

It is Mothers day today.  I really detest these days that my society has deemed important to force us people that are too self-centered to practice loving our mothers every day.   Don't you find it hard to force your emotions on these holidays that may or may not fit with how your feeling that day?  

I get taking days to notice all that your mother does for you, but the pressure and the money grab that happen around a day that becomes specifically set aside for love and attention makes it fake and forced.   would you not agree that there is a line of truth to what I am saying?

As a mother of three and a daughter, I would much prefer to show my mom random acts of love throughout the year then pay extra dollars buying flowers and a card to meet the standards of what the neighbour kids just bought their moms so mine doesn't feel my love is second rate or something.

My children know I hate these holidays and they go out of their way on other less expensive and conspicuous days to love me in a way that fits for them.  

We have become a society of micro managed people and we don't even realise it.   We are told what to think, when to eat, how to breathe and when to love and even what to love.  

Do you not want your own voice, your own thoughts?   would you not love to love when you feel it right to do so?

I know it would be an easier life for me if I just caved and gave into the flow of all around me and just learned to love when I was told to and be happy all the time because its the better option and to be grateful in every moment because it makes everything around me seem less annoying, but in truth I didn't work my ass off in my life to get in tune with my feelings just to have to subdue them because I now no longer fit with my society.

I was born to be a mover and a shaker.   I am the person that rubs everyone wrong and creates a friction.  I am that person that will point our your flaws so that you can feel better about yourself after you have become more authentic because of the changes brought about from my temporary annoyance.   I am lonely because I am a mover and shaker, anyone that can stay close to me is someone who can handle the constant change I bring into their lives.

Which is not many people.   I am not popular for my teachings and will probably not be fully realised until well after I am gone from this physical plane.  But I will keep expressing my views and keep doing the work that feels good within me to release.   I will stay sad that I am misunderstood and stay isolated from popular opinion because in those unpopular feelings I find a weird sort of strength and comfort.  To be happy is to comfort and no matter how hard I try to fit into your box, I just cannot do it.  So I accept who I am and still go forth and live in this world with my own kind of secret happiness that i can share with no one.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Today I noticed......

Moving Forward......

I Have another blog that is fully about overcoming addiction... obsessive and compulsive... always filling the void.   That blog was seven year of my journey from leaving my husband and all the avenues addiction took in my life, switching one vice up for another until one day I did a major cleanse that lasted for an entire year and that was it, my awareness went so deep, my acceptance that this was how I coped and the action I needed to take in order to move out of the victim mentality entirely was birthed.

I have not written in the blog for months because that phase of my life is over.  That is when I began this blog in order to begin to create my dreams and passions.  You see I want to fall in love.  And not just get a boyfriend or life partner so I don't feel lonely, but to fall madly passionately in love with a soul connected individual that can reach tantric levels this world has not seen yet.   The problem is that kind of love triggers those addictive qualities in me times ten.

I have been obsessing through my tarot reads and psychic channels to help me overcome my fear of opening up to love.  you see I come from a childhood of extreme neglect and abuse and although I dislike living there for any amount of time it's a reality I must accept and constantly take action to move away from or I easily become trapped in my own self-created hells....

And that is where I am again today.   Trapped in my own self-created hell unable to allow life to just flow.  Keeping my focus on me and my own life is extremely hard when an object of affection comes into sight.   I am a cat that pounced on what catches her attention and am relentless like a pit bull when I dig my teeth into something.   Unfortunately, that causes me more damage then it does my poor victim... and let me be clear I surely create victims of men that try to love me.

Its a sad day in the reality of me right now.   I think I have destroyed another poor guy just wanting to love me.

So I am moving my focus on to learning to write while I build a more solid financial foundation so that come winter I can really launch my online business which is really where my heart is.   You see I know I got a flare for writing when my heart wants to bleed onto the screen, but I suck at the details of sentence structure and all that boring bullshit that goes into being a great writer.  So that is where I should be placing my focus at this time.

I know that when it comes to love and romance that is an energy out of my control and to have patience and accept timing is as important as the chemistry is, I am well on my way to learning.  so keeping my very very very busy mind active on a pursuit such as writing will allow me the space to move forward and open up the channels to allowing love to come find me.   Because seeking it has caused way way way to much fear to rise up within me and that fear has put a huge wall up around me fully protected by a plethora of little scorpions ready to attack any would be compatibles from getting close to me.

So I need a healthy distraction from a weirdly odd addictive feeling which is the purest feeling in the world.... Love.   Self-love, self-love, self-love....  that's the only way to opening up to a greater love.  I hear it all the time and I get it and my love continues to grow and grow for myself, but it's a hard upward battle when I had no blueprint of what that looked like and with each new loving person in my life I am forced to accept a new level of what my blueprint wants to accomplish and thus a new cycle of work begins to get there.

Sometimes I fear the work is too much and I should just stop and accept the life of crazy cat lady safe within the confines of her own heart and those that love her with no challenge.  And then I start to cry because its not gonna be enough for me.  So I continue on this path of learning to love myself even greater just to be able to open my heart to a friend... let alone a romantic partner.

Maybe by the time I am 80 I will be ready.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Is there 'The One'?

Do you choose who you fall in love with?

Is there a moment,  an instance that there is no return from?   That love at first sight?

Or are there just experiences upon experiences to bring into alignment with yourself?

Does everyone contribute to the same reality or are we individualistic in our natures?

Is the concept of The One lost to us?   Do you still believe in the One?

When I look back on all my interactions with partners each one brings me clo9ser to the truth.   The truth of myself and the truth of what I am looking for and thus the truth of what is looking for me.

I can see more clearly with each partnership that there is always a key element missing.   With one its passion, with another its connection, yet with another its compatibility.   I have yet to find someone who embodies all of what I desire.

What happens when I find him?   Will it be easy or will it be even harder because he is 'The One"?

I have been reading up lots about Intimacy and romance and all things to help me better understand myself within this last fling I had with Leo the Lion.   My emotional reactions were nothing I had experienced before, my loss of control over and over again had me going back for more like a love sick puppy okay with the abuse.   Why is that?

I easily walk away from people and situations that serve no greater purpose for my life... I know this through years of self-examination and experience.  So why then can I still not stop thinking about a new approach with this guy?  A new way to get his attention and keep it?

Why am I okay with him dating another girl, knowing that I love him.... and truly I do.  I don't know how to explain it.   It's not a deep love of knowing someone but it is a love that makes me want to be near him, to get to know him and to accept all parts of him even the douche bag parts.   I am not critical of him.... why is that?   I am critical of everyone!!

I let him go.   I really have.  And I am moving forward with my life and my business, putting attention where it desperately needs to be.  But I have not forgotten about him nor do I want to...   Just a much-needed rest for both of us I guess.

I think I am starting to believe in the One.......

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

New Cycle Begun: The Sun Tarot Card

Is it weird that even though I saw him with another woman, when I went to cry I could not muster the tears?

Is it weird that I have a strong feeling this is a necessary part of the journey we are on and its not over  but is a much-needed break for both of us?  A welcomed freedom from the intense energy we create within each other.

Is it weird that I feel like the bulk of our relationship actually happens in the energetic realm?

He came to me so strong Monday morning when I didn't fall into step with what was becoming a regular routine of meeting in the laundry room of our building.   His lack of action within this whatever it is we have going, had me backing out of all things connected to him as I knew I was beginning to drown with the stagnation of the energy.

He brushed my energy coming down the stairs as they are connected to my apartment and he brushed it as he went back upstairs.   When I didn't respond to his energy I could feel his anger level rising.  When his energy burst into my apartment i could almost physically feel him and it truly scared the shit out of me.   I have never known someone that powerful in manipulating energy before.

I was reminded of the time with Mr. beautiful crazy (whom I contacted btw to see if it has been his energy coming to me at night which it hasn't been) when I was calling out to him to protect me from the guys that were smelling the heat I was in for him.   He never protected me from the wolves.   As I realise now was not his job too, it was my job to choose him if that was the path for me.   And truly I did choose him in the end but he was too hurt to accept it and now that boat has sailed.... well in truth, if i were to be totally honest with myself..... it was nothing more than a learning lesson, we really had no passion for each other, he was not ready and astrologically we are not fit for each other.

Maybe Leo the Lion is just another learning lesson and its why my feelings aren't really hurt that he is with another woman.   All I can really think is that I am better than her, and that's not ego talking it's just how I feel and I have no reason other then if he chooses her it's because he couldn't meet me where I am at and that's an okay choice on his part and it helps me move on, but in truth, I feel he will be back and this time he will fight for me as I have fought for him and trust me when I say I fought a noble fight for him.  My demons are gone and will be forever now, I will never have to cycle that again even with a new partner.   So thank you Leo the Lion.

He came to me several times in the past week in the astral and it was incredible.   I wonder only slightly what would have happened had I acted on it.  His constant rejection of me was beginning to wear on me and the games he was playing were way, way, way too hard for my heart.   So I know that my choices would not have been different,  there are no regrets in my emotions.... just freedom and peace.   not even any heartbreak and that's the reason I write here today.

I can easily let go when the energy has let go of me.   I can see how quickly my energy gets coveted when I let a man into it.   If they get the milk for free why would they ever pay for it, right?   So now is time for me to put a huge block up around my energy and only give it intimately to those that deserve it, to those that have worked for it.

Leo will know what he is missing soon enough because all my ex's come back at some point.   If he wants me he will have to work his fucking ass off for me because no little balcony head pop or energetic plays are going to do it this time.  

August is when the magic will happen as per my yearly read did back in September.   So till then I will focus on my own adventures and see where they lead me, maybe it will be far away from Leo the Lion and into something even greater.   Again timing of everything is a faith and a trust that is hard-won through experience for this old dog.   Live and let live!!

New Love Creation:

I want to be swept off my feet by someone that is totally connected on all levels and I want to marry that person because they will be able to keep the relationship alive for decades with their connection to themselves, source and me.

This is my intention and my creation..... let the games begin!!

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Turn of The Wheel.....

Sometimes I hide the truth from myself in order to get through and to actually create more pain for the poor undeserving heart.

At what point did his energy pull out and mine keep going?   Did I really not notice his lack of responses?   Why did I trust the connected one when she told me he loved me and that he was just acting immature?  Was that just my own test to actually push through something?

I am a runner.   I always run when things get hot in the kitchen.   I didn't run this time.  I didn't run with Mr. beautiful Crazy.   I am not a runner anymore.

Now I am a give it all away for free Girl to the most hurtful men around apparently.    How did I not see he was draining me the entire time just to give the energy to another |her.

How did I not see that the challenges were just too great to overcome?   Why was I willing to work on something so impossible?   Why was it so hard to let go?

I don't believe in the one anymore, but I did believe that the one I connected with would become something great with me.   I guess he fit the vision of what I wanted my life to be.

Why do we bother creating vision boards and goals, when there are obviously too many people involved to make that a reality?   How do we find someone willing to produce our visions?   I really thought I had found that why am I so blinded to the truth when it comes to love?

Was I just carrying on my combined vision with Mr beautiful Crazy, superimposing it on this poor unsuspecting Leo?   Could I once again see a potential that was never there and was not accepting the situation or the person as they were?

People don't change.

Maybe he could see that I wanted a different leo and he could never give me that one.  Maybe I seen him more grown up than he is and that created a wall too high to crawl over.   Maybe his strength to detach and move on months ago is actually a saving grace for me today.

I flow where it feels good.  I have not felt good for a very long time.  I just thought it was part of the process.   I don't think it is anymore.

But then who has been manifesting in my room at night if not him?

Twice in a row, the energy of a male has made himself known to me as I was getting ready for bed.   one time most intimately and the other time very solid in form touching my lower back.  I took the energy for the Leo trying to get my attention.   Then yesterday I felt a very strong cross road being created by him.   One for which I did not cross over.

He is abusing the power of my love.   Love turns into surrender and surrender turns into power.   I surrendered, he did not, he used my power against me and I let him.

Until a month ago that is.    It took a month for him to move on to someone else's power.   Sick fucking bastard..... hurts my heart.

Mr. beautiful crazy absorbed my power for two years.

It's time to learn when to surrender and who is worthy of my love and energy.  It's too bad that the Lion can't sees how great we would be together.  It's sad that he is lost in the surface layers, but what can I expect from a little gangster with a small vision?

So its back to the drawing board.    I am already on to a course that can lift these patterns for me and release me from the easy flow of my love.   Discernment and detachment are the lessons I shall embark upon now.   And having the strength to keep going in love and not give up on the quest and give in to my sadness at the cruelty of men who have had a taste of what I can offer.

This is the third guy I am aware of that my power has made crazy.  Maybe the next guy can handle it....   Another Leo is on the horizon this one has a few more qualities that have become important to me... like friends, family and well a job.

Although my heart is twisted, I can honestly say it doesn't totally hurt.  the relationship really just resided in my head and the lesson there is that the lack of real emotions was a direct result of over thinking and not having a place to release them and therefore the death of them was the only avenue they had to go, I just kept the play going because it was better than feeling alone as my life launched into a scene that was too new and too uncomfortable to journey solely on.

I have asked for a partner in my life, I see now the little Leo could not be that for me and that is more important than anything else on my list of must-haves that a potential partner embody.   Funny how we conveniently ignore some certain truths to bend reality when a number of other factors are in place, like it eliminates one big one in blue of the few extra little ones.

Another lesson.... live in the moment of what is real.  remove energy, remove astrology, remove the wisdom of elders and remove one's own desires of outcome and learn to just be in the moment, every moment and surely you will manifest along the right path for you.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

What more can I let go of?

I can feel him when he is near me.  

I am not sure if this is a connection or he is sending me energy or if I am the one sensing it.   I have been advised through my dreams, through my cards and through my higher power to let go and move on.... but for a long time,
I questioned what it isIi am truly moving on from.

I am a ganga lover and that holds me a back a bit.... lifts me up but also cuts me off from my higher power after chronic use.  So I let that go.

I can fall victim of old addictive mind mentality for which I am writing about.  I am in the process of letting go of the old label.  Is that what my cards are talking about?

I let Leo the Lion go.  I am not talking to him.   I am not going near him and with each thought its getting softer and easier to release.

So why am I still having dreams of something I need to let go of?

The dream had a younger guy in it that I know loves me but I am not interested in.  Am I to let go of my sexuality and what interests me?   I really don't get it.  I am letting go of everything and I am still getting told there is more to release.

Spirit show me what else I can do because I can't keep living in this place of shitty luck and exhausted emotions.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Prayer & Abundance

With every memory,
I give it to White Buffalo with prayer. 

Gratitude fills my heart
At the opportunity 
to have experienced something new.


I let it go.
Over and over
I let it go.

My heart cracks
with each Good-Bye.

My heart floods with love
with each Buffalo Prayer

I send him love.
I wish him the best.

I let him go
and Over

Peace washes over me 
blocking the thoughts of his moving on

I let him go
I give him, to White Buffalo

With each pulse
My heart swells and my heart caves

                                      I am sure in time
the letting go will cease.

Life will return to black and white
My hearts normality
matching the masses

But for now...

I enjoy the letting go.
I will savour the last moments
in this time
in this space.

with every memory,
I give it to white Buffalo.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Check Point

What vibration are you in right now?

Angry, nervous, sorrow, depressed.    A lower vibration where no one can meet you at and if they can, it should be questioned where they are at and is that really what you want?

This is my question today.

I am in a lower negative fear vibration as of late.  Too many negative life hits and I could not regain my composure.  I spun.  

The toy Top is finally coming to a wobbly stop.

I am moving back into the love vibration as my heart slowly opens again and my mind takes a back seat.  No longer needing to protect me by whisking me off into my fantasy world.

My cards tell me its time for some counselling.  I say maybe, but more maybe not.  

Increase vibrations everyday through trying something new daily.  Reaching out of my comfort Zone.  Building on to my goals in a daily routine.   Staying connected to people but spending as much time alone as possible.

I know who I am and what I need.   i know what I want and I am willing to learn how to get it.

Do the Work and the rewards will become available to you.

Switching up Vibrations.  

Moving on up.........

Wednesday, April 12, 2017


How is it that when he lets go,   I can feel it?

Another rose up so quickly and took the power from him.

I could feel it.

Did I let go first when I told him it was done and
I stuck to my boundaries?

Have I finally won this pattern?

Oh ya, I won this.

 I won my self respect back.

I won My confidence back, slowly.

Was he bad for me?
No I don't think so.

Too much light creates big scary shadows is all.

Protection was fatal
in his energetic embrace.

Most powerful Man I have felt.

Very intoxicating. So intoxicating.  Too intoxicating.
Lost my balance.  Landed on my back.

He wasnt there to catch me.
Did he really want me?

Maybe this next one will be able to hold on to me when I fall

It hurts landing alone.

Did I really fall or just want the pain?
Am I over the Past?

I couldn't see beyond the light.


I am under new protection now.

I felt it slide over me during the full moon last night.

I woke up clear this morning.  First in almost a year.

I feel ready.   I am letting go.

Every female always has the spiritual protection of a man, it can be no other way

We don't need to know this, but I can feel it.

Consciousness connects and new comes in.

My consciousness shifted last night.

I feel a calm wash over me today.

Like everything is finally gonna be alright.

The Leo has changed faces.

Monday, April 10, 2017

How do I let go again?  Why do I always forget how to do this?

Move on.  Do different activities.  Stop thoughts, shift and transfer focus.

I know all of these things

but then why is it still so fucking hard to do them?

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Taming the Beast.

Why is this so hard?

He treated me like shit.  I understand the larger picture.  I know that my thoughts in this matter DO NOT create my reality. I know that I have no control over this situation.  So then why Am I still wanting to reach out to him?

I am changing focus. I am moving forward.  I am taking steps, fast and active. I am  Attracting new experiences and really great ones at that.  I am stepping into my power.   So why then do I still feel so damn drawn to him?

Letting go of the Past issues are a very real thing for me.  This awareness has always been one that I have had, so I have worked with it a long time.   I can let go of guys pretty easy when I know they will harm my future.  Myself and my kids are the most important thing in my life.  To some outsiders who know me this might look different as my parenting style is much different from most peoples but I have great kids so it works for us.

So when a guy comes into my world he needs to fit my life and my kids and he must have something to contribute to my/our future.

If they do not it is a quick adventure to kill time and lift spirits but that's it nothing more and when the lifting is over before the fall happens I am on my merry way and all is left in a nice happy place.   So why with this guy can I not let go.... why did I allow the fall?

How far am I willing to fall I guess is the better question.   I can see through astrology that this relationship will either make us great..... like really really great as a couple and in our own rights.... or it will completely destroy us.   There is no middle ground here.

So my cards are advising me to let go.  Move focus away from him.  I want to quit him.

But I can't.   No matter what I do or how hard I let go over and over or how many of the smoking hottest guys walk into my life, I just can't stop myself from loving him again.  My body floods with emotion not only with thoughts of him but out of nowhere my body will light up and I can feel him.   I just want to love him so much.   It feels so good to love him, and to be honest it even feels good to hate him.   Just being around him is good.

I know I love very easily and so fully and without any conditions... I know I do this because it gets me into a lot of trouble in the world we live in.  People take me as false or they take advantage of me. Most people don't understand me or better to the point I really don't understand most people. But the point for me is.... Unconditional means that I can always see the larger picture of why they do what they do, so I can just shut it off and move on.  Simple for me really....  I do not have a letting go problem anymore because of this awareness and my experiences.

....Until this moment.   I can see Leo and I are in the process of destroying each other and yet I can't stay way, I am wanting to jump in and flip the switch and to get moving the other way.   But I can't because every time I do it gets worse.  Everything that has worked in the past is not working now.  Everything I do makes this worse.   I am completely clueless as for how to proceed and have been since the very first time we saw each other after the great night of 23/06/16.

When I went through the Twelve step fellowship it was widely accepted that if you reminisce about your drug of choice and bring those feelings of the highs back you sabotage going forward.  I can see this on a different level now and however true it is of hard drugs that destroy our lives I look at this last spin of addiction and my greatest fear is the destroy part of the Lion is the addiction side of me.  
The reason this blog had to change focus.

I need to move forward in my life and away from this energy, anything I try to create here is going to be of a lower vibration.  Already I am moving my energy so this is not a concern and why I can allow myself to fall in the love vibration again even if only in my own body with the gorgeous lion.  I can only hope he will catch that energy and follow. maybe catching up with me again when I am in a clearer headspace.  
Maybe then we can shoot for the moon instead of Inanna's underworld. Because I know this guy and I could remodel what a real romance can look like and how two people can live in their own worlds yet meet in the middle as often as possible.

 I have never wanted to love someone as much as I want to love this guy.  I feel like I am dying inside without him.... but then again that might just be a very good thing for now.

NumBing out has its place in one's life and full acceptance of that is what removes an addiction label.  As much as I love fasts and stand behind programs that betters one's life, learning your own truth and that each program or fast serves but a purpose, not a life sentence.

Letting go of old beliefs is the only letting go that ever has to happen, this is what you facilitate through each fast and each program.

Be true to yourself ALWAYS.  No matter how against the grain it go's or even how ugly that looks.  
I fell hard and it wasn't pretty but I have no regrets.  He will go down in my mind as something really fucking great that happened in my life. No matter how things turn out because there are no mistakes in life, just experiences.

Bye Baby.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Welcome to My Twisted Mind

Rejection breeds obsession.

Tony Robbins said this in one of his youtube videos that caused the golden chimes of heaven to ring in my ears like a brass gong sounds off and vibrates through the hearts of monks.

Rejection causes this cataclysmic chain of events to domino in my life.  I go apeshit when someone takes the banana away from me.

Leo the Lion played the rejection game better than any other douche bag I know.  Do I hate him for it?   Sadly the answer to that is no. 

 Rejection breeds obsession and even when the obsession is gone I am left feeling like if he could create such huge drama within me where no other guy has before then who is he, I want to know him even more.   

Is that fucked?   Sure is.   Am I acting on it?  Hells No!

Learning to manage one's mind is a lesson for every single person in the world and to the obsessive, it's a deeper harder lesson to work through.   I am allowing my thoughts to play because as fucked as it is, I still feel a connection to him that I want to believe(checked; belief doesn't hurt me) is a bit different than other connections I have had.

I can usually tell right away how a situation is gonna play out with a guy.  Through experience, Empathy and Hypersensitivity.  We all can read how a guy makes us feel and for many of us we can know how that could escalate on both sides of the love and fear coin.  Playing the tape to the end, so to speak.    This ability for me is a blessing and a curse because it will have me cut someone out within the first meeting or two even though the attraction is crazy good because of what fear he could bring to the table.

If a guy makes it to a third date or more then there is a deeper connection that is created.  Every attracted man and woman will create an energetic bond if they both want that.  Once a bond is created, however short timed it is, sometimes it's hard to break.  Again even if it is a short time.  For the obsessive people that bond gets wicked strong wicked fast and I use wicked twice because it's a fear bond not a love bond and those bonds are crazy strong.

So in my dating years, I really only made a couple bonds, all the rest of the guys I have dated have been nothing but passing the time hotties.  This one is not a passing time hottie.  This one fell in love with me and bonded with me when I was in my brightest light.   But then quickly I fell victim to my own dark fears and ruined all there was between us.

It's the truth I own it.  And his rejection created such a strong obsession in me that it even scared me.  That's why as the obsession wears off and my focus moves back into my life and the obsession lets go of its grip on me I am still left with that base bond we created in a loving vibration.

Do I think there is still hope for us?  Maybe.  Who knows where the wheel of fortune is gonna turn in this one.  It is the first time ever I have had no sense of control over the situation or the guy.  This is a first for me and with all firsts, I never ever do them gracefully.  

So to survive this I must move my focus back into my life and create a reality I want to thrive in.  I know now that to get what I truly want I am gonna have to work at it.   The work in this love arena is the final letting go of obsession and addiction that has plagued my life for seven years now.  

This cycle is broken.

Learning to live without the Obsessive/compulsive label and refocussing on five streams of income to flip my broke ass over to a rich bitch is where this blog must go now.  I am sad to see it leave my love story but in truth, it really isn't leaving it.... it's doing the work necessary to achieve the true results I want in this category....

........  And that's a Harlyquin Romance that leads into a life long partnership.  Where the love is real, the acceptance complete, The strength of self is evident, the passion intense and where the combined creations are out of this world Great.   I know I will be attracted to this man and his attraction will be equal to mine....   

Because what you are seeking is also seeking you, it can be no other way, its the law of attraction and it cannot be denied.

So until that fateful day arrives I will focus on this Twisted Mind.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Did my Ex Husband Destroy My chances at Love??

When we click with someone it is only the first step in merging together to create something even greater than both the parts combined, But first, each part needs to be great.

Am I not great yet?

Have I not done a shit load of work on myself?

Have I not mastered several careers?

Have I not moved my own emotional intelligence from that of a child to adulting daily (obvious mention of my traumatic past to stunt this area of my life)

Have I not spent years alone finding myself?

Have I not mastered my base chakra and have all my needs met?

Have I not moved up the dating latter to recognise douche bags?

Obviously not because I am still attracting to me those who wish to manipulate and harm me with the abuse of my own power.

Why is that?

I am a healer and I take people in emotional pain through a twelve-week program that connects them deeply into themselves, have I not already taken myself through my own program several times?

Then how come I am the one still attracting this pain to myself?

Last night laying in bed I was Chewing on what one of my exes answered in response to my desperate question of ... what is wrong with me, why does none of my relationships ever make it anywhere?   His response was shrugged off in the moment, but later had some resounding ripples within my mind.

He said that my Ex-husband hurt me so bad that now all I do is run.

My life focus has been so closely dissecting and ripping apart my childhood that I haven't been able to see anything past those years.    My ex-husband 7 years into our marriage, during a big move and a super stressful period of life told me he didn't love me anymore and didn't think he ever had.

I didn't realise until last night how much that last statement effected me.  

He had never loved me??  

My world shattered that day.  It really did.

As far as painful days in my life goes that was by far the worst one in my adult years.  

I never brushed it under the carpet, though, I deal with my shit in the moment and broke every glass thing in my home and spent four months deep in battle with him.  But Apparently, I planned and plotted for a lot more years.... (obviously subconsciously because let's are honest my heart is too soft to hurt anyone deliberately even if they did just destroy me).......and years to retaliate the feelings, by ditching him in a similar situation exactly seven years after his insult.

I did get my revenge,  I am in the last stages of divorce.

Am I after all that STILL holding on to that pain?

Am I so Afraid of another 'fake' love me that I cannot even move into a simple romance?    

I know my ex was just under a tonne of stress and didn't actually mean what he said>  We worked through that as a couple and things got really great the next seven years, but  we still grew apart.  But we are both okay with that So why the self inflicted pain still??

We attract to us where we are at..... ALWAYS.

There is absolutely NO exception to this rule.  If you are not happy with an area of your life the only way to change it is to change yourself.  But first, you have to make a decision to break the pattern and take action to do so.

I cannot repeat a pattern of this any longer.  I am done with Holding on to that pain.  I need freedom from it All.


I blocked The Lion.

This Virgin obviously has some more letting go to do because The Lion is a force to be reckoned with and he has already abused my power and I am disgusted with myself for allowing it.  Attraction can blind us to certain truths.   When as women we give away our power to the wrong type of men we find ourselves in pretty ugly places.  

As we grow we learn who to get vulnerable with and who not to... but if we are holding a pain then that pain is going to keep coming up over and over again to make us aware of it.  You cannot move forward when your holding on to something from the past.  It's Like a rubber rope constantly snapping you back.

Mr. beautiful Crazy also had an Ex he was unwilling to deal with the pain she caused him.  Instead, he was fighting and retaliating and just causing himself more shit and abuse.  I never saw it because I immediately took the healer role in our relationship.  Something I will never make the mistake of again.  And thought I had gotten so clever with The Lion.

I got too excited at how compatible the energy is between the Lion and myself.  I got to lost in my own emotions to notice all my fears were consuming the good in the relationship like a fire sweeps a dry forest... with fierce momentum.

And Now the Lion is Gone.

And I am left picking up the pieces of the misuse of power he used to puppet me with and my own awareness that I created the situation in the first place and I am sure he himself  hated being a part of it.   Bringing people in on our pain is a highly vulnerable act and if that person doesn't know us well enough yet,       .........well its an exposure that can damage.

So lesson here boys and girls.....  The onion is never done being peeled.

Apparently, I still need pain in order to discover what needs to be cleared and maybe I am just too eager to work through that pain because I feel pretty embarrassed.  Another lesson, don't get involved with Guys that live in your apartment building.... makes for too many tense moments.


It's back to the drawing board for me.

I set the intention to let go of the pain caused by my ex-husband.

Awareness(Painful).  Acceptance(Some relief).  Action(Change)

I hope that I don't have to change this title again, but in truth, I believe I will, for the meantime anyways.

 Part of falling in love....
(something I want to master on this planet and I know will need years upon years within a relationship so I want to get this show on the road as soon as possible)... lol like everything else in my life I approach it with precision and calculated risk)
.... is falling in love with yourself as well.

So its back to my Jeep and all things Momma Love until I can build a new vision and take action.   People say love comes to you and they are surely correct but for those of us that need to work at it, it's about taking action and then allowing the balance of flow to take over.  As with building my business is the same thing.... set things in motion and see where they go, continually fanning the flames to build momentum.

,,,,What shall I set in motion this time???

Lion you still willing to Play?