Monday, June 19, 2017

Heart Bleed because my Head is done Trying.

What happens when you have wanted something for so long that you finally give up on it because its obviously not out there for you?   Do you go back to the drawing board and change your expectations?   Do You move on to something totally different conceding that it was never in the plans for you in the first place?   Do you allow feelings of defeat to embrace you?   Or do you shake it off and joyfully move on to a new experience instead?

This is where I am at.   Maybe there is no romantic love out there.  Maybe the movies are great big teasers that are set in motion to create impossible dreams for the weak minded like me.   Maybe its pipe dreams that keep my heart beating with the excitement of anticipation.   Maybe its just the anticipation that I am looking for and not really wanting a partner in the first place?

I have so many questions and absolutely no answers to why this is always so hard for me and why I feel like I have so much resistance in this area of my life when others just easily fall in and out of love all the time.   Maybe I am always wanting what I can't have, thus making it harder on myself.

I think it's just time to let go and settle into something that makes me feel safe and secure.   Something I can feel good about but doesn't take me over the top.   Maybe my gigantic love affair and wishing to change the views of romance is not in the cards for me.   Maybe my life is meant to be lived more quietly.   More subtly.

I feel so tired today.  So sad.   Which is weird cause my life is at the incredibly great place?  but I can't stop focussing on the one thing I don't have instead of seeing all the great things I do have.  I think it's normal for the accomplished person to be seeking out that one last element to complete the picture one has in their heads about what happiness looks like.

I am happy now.   I am content and full right now.   I just want someone to crawl into bed with at the end of the night to share that with...... but do I really?   Because would I not have manifested that already if I did?

Maybe we don't even truly know what we want.   And maybe what we have is all we really want we are just to busy caught up in what the movies tell us we want.  

Today I guess I will choose to be at peace and let my heart cry out for what it feels its missing.  Maybe she can get a response because my head sure isn't.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Day Nine of the Ten Day Writing Challenge.

Today I noticed that when I am with other people my mind is connected and strong.... with the right kind of people that is.... but right now when I am alone my mind is only on my current obsession and that's it.  

As a hypnotherapist i understand how to reprogram my thoughts, the problem lies in the wanting of that outcome.  

My desire for the unavailable man is paramount.

It is time to change my desires.

rereading what I wrote yesterday almost gagged me.    How can I be so in love with nothing more than a fantom image... an energy that may or may not be there?   How can I allow someone to play emotional games with me?   Do I not love myself enough to WANT to feel good?

Yes, I actually do.   And even though I know in less than an hour I will forget this new train of thought, I feel good right now getting back to the greatness of me.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Move Mountains, Then Rest.





I don't think of him as much.
But only because my life has gotten busy
In my quiet moments, he is there
Bringing me tears of love
causing my heart to ache with longing
then my mind to smash with reality
He isn't here.
only in my mind.

Then he smiles at me in the hall
or jokes with me in the parking lot
and the connection is reestablished
round and round on the merry-go-round
my heart swirls not sure if it is worth the wait
but knowing it will, regardless

He who masters patience
masters his life



When he laughs my world light up
Like a new fairy getting her wings
when he draws near to me my knees go weak
my heart flutters threatening a heart attack
When he soothes me with his words
everything is blissfully right in my world



I can wait for a deeper connection
it is worth the wait.  He is worth the work.


The work is always transferrable
and with each opportunity taken
another one will arise out of the failure
if failure shall occur
there are no right or wrong choices
just a path that is set out before you
both choices lead to the same destination

Relax.
Enjoy the mountain air.
Baby, you have arrived.
Now Your king is on his way.

Day eight of the ten day... Today I noticed challenge.

And that having missed several days in the middle because life got very fun and busy over the long weekend the last thing on my mind was sitting at my computer to write..  and therefore that is what I noticed.

I used to be a discipline junkie where if I missed a day of a challenge I would hear all the motivational guru's going through my head.... get 'r done, get back at it... don't let a trip turn into a fall. I don't hear those voices anymore, I am past that.

I also don't hear the voices of my parents or childhood taunters anymore.   I no longer hear the voices of the 12 step fellowship telling me what is right and what is wrong.  I no longer hear my ex's loving words soothing nor there bitter tears downs at the end.

Today I have noticed all I hear now..... is my own voice of reason, love and discernment.  

It's a great feeling that through my own connection to my highest self no longer does the guidance of others dominate my choices in life.   And this is including my tarot reading which I did just state a couple days ago where overtaking my life... my new voices of, reason?   Not well received, just saying.

I have come a long way from where I was when I was born into this world, obviously, not just age has changed me, but all the hard work I have put into myself to become the person I desired when I was very little.... A strong woman in her own right wealthy in all avenues of happiness and free in the very face of interdependence.  

Truly on the day eight of a writing daily challenge I have noticed..  I have arrived at the destination I had sought for myself 30 years ago.

Now that I am sitting on the top of my mountain, I know exactly what I want and I know exactly how to get it......

I wait.

Today I noticed.....

My cards are all over a change of home.    Part of me wants this and the other part of me does not...

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Day Six.... Today I noticed..



Why do feelings not match reality sometimes?   Why is it that we can bend the signs to fit what we want and not what is really happening?  Why is it that when we become more enlightened we also become more powerful at controlling our circumstances... and not to our benefit.

 Thats the responsibility that comes along with enlightenment, the more you abuse your new powers the more you get slapped by universal law.  Sometimes those smack downs are incredibly painful and life shaking.

I ask myself over and over again how do I let go.  I ask myself over and over again how do I move forward?   I am trying to learn to hold on to my visions and not be like a feather floating on the wind anymore because I want to create something of substance in my life but I don't know how to work at something when challenges get in the way.

When are the challenges telling us the path is not a worthy one and when do we view the challenges as needed obstacles to strengthen us?   How much time are we willing to waste on a particular path before we have to back up all the  way to the beginning to start all over again?

Today i noticed i am building courage and self love on a deeper level.   I am not as swayed by another actions and more in tune with what I know to be real within me and that knowledge brings me peace and truly thats the feeling I want these days... Love and Peace.

I dont know where my path is taking me but I do know that even in the pain there is a level of comfort knowing it is for a greater purpose.  Gone are the feelings of suffering and truly my situation has not changed just my perception of it.  Why did my perception change?  Because no matter how I felt about what was happening between the Lion and I whenever we met up in person it was always different from how I felt in my imaginations.  

Sometimes its better and sometimes it worse then what I imagined and sometimes it reinforces my beliefs and sometimes it destroys them all together.  I feel crazy most of the time and the rest of the time i feel grateful just to still be able to be in his presence when the universe see's fit to put us together for a moment or two.

I believe my sacrifice has come and I am willing to have just mere moments with him at the expense of anything less then because I cannot tolerate being less then with someone else, all I do is judge the situation and compare it to how the Lion makes me feel .... and those experiences never compare.  

So until the cosmic design pulls us apart I will be grateful for just moments of his time and hopefully a thought or two sent in my direction will feed my soul and passion enough.   Until I can have him deeply within me, I shall fill my passion with my Jeep and building my dreams because i have a sneaky feeling when and if I do get a good crack at Leo it will only be for a short time before he will be off and running again... best to keep a good hold of my own life during the process.

Today I noticed.... I am much stronger.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Day Five..... Today I Noticed.

When we keep our focus forward it allows the universe to bring things to us without our scrutiny and over analyzations.  We truly are our own worst enemies.

So I am working my ass off to create five streams of income right now.  I never want to be as broke as I was this past winter.  That need to not ever be there again has created this desire so strong in me that my motivation and determination are finally stronger then my need to fall in love and have the greatest sexual union this planet has ever seen.  

It has been the focus of my new serving job to pay for my Jeep Hobby, My Apartment building super attendant position with the reduced rent that pays my living costs, My Grounds maintenance position with the owner of the building I care take pays for the building of My Mindfalling program which will replace my income stream in the winter from the grounds position and I am just waiting on my fourth stream of income to begin after May long weekend, landscaping with a new up and comer to the scene here in GP.  

I am still looking for a fifth stream of income but I figure that will come in the winter through online opportunities that will open up for me once i get my toes wet in that field.  But that is not what is the really the exciting part of this post.... with my attention being focused on my business launch and the foundation i need to lay before that big day, Leo the Lion snuck up behind me!!

Onyx stones.   I am telling ya they are all the bomb if you want to not act like a retard around the guy your infatuated with.  Onyx helps ground a person and reduces excitability..... I am kangaroo jumpy around this guy.  My attraction to him and my desire to be with him is so overwhelming that I cannot string a proper sentence together so then I just wanna attack or crawl all over him because obviously my words and mind are not gonna get me to where I wanna be.   Ya, the latter was not working in my favor at all.... quite the opposite actually.

After ignoring him and then when I could no longer do that as we see each other almost daily in our apartment building I was cool and detached.  I think he liked that much better because now I can finally have a conversation with him without losing my fucking junk in my head and dropping it to my trunk and letting the baby bits talk for me.... jeez, women are built just like men when it comes to sexual craze.

So what I noticed today..... when you are moving forward in your own life and placing energy, attention and focus on what will better you in that moment then the universe adds your desires and rewards into the mix.... you cannot chase your rewards, you must chase the work.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Day Four of.... Today I noticed.

Seeings as I love writing in the mornings, its more a yesterday I noticed but I am writing it today kinda thing.

So yesterday after getting only two lines in here before my day rushed off in a wild start without me, I noticed how obsessed I get when I am bored and how much validation I need when I am scared.

Fear grips us and we cannot move.  But in truth life has pauses and stops that cause me such great anxiety that in those nice little floats I burn my life to the ground because I cannot sit still... I repeat, I cannot sit still.    Shark is my birth totem and those fuckers cant stop swimming or they sink.  They are not built like other fish.  I don't think I am built like other humans.

So yesterday I got my jeep up and running again and felt pretty super star for having been able to afford it.  That level of vibrational increase brought about many calls and texts from guys.  Its weird how they can sniff out a girl who is feeling really good about herself.   I just wish that I could find one that is okay with me when I am not feeling really good about myself.

I am still on the guy thing but I am now beginning to understand that when I am moving forward they have no choice but to chase me.  Its when I am idle that I must learn not to chase them but to sit still with my own company until my life is moving forward again.  

I am very bad for beating myself up when things don't seem to be moving at the pace I want them too and this has got to stop.  It is in those self beatings that I do the most damage to my life.   We are our own worst enemies because in truth no one really gives a shit about us and our lives.  And thats not a sad pity statement its more about the truth of how self centered we are as humans.  we create from within its natural and normal to be the center of our universe.  We just tend to forget everyone else has their own universes as well that they are center of and trust me when I say of your the center of theirs watch out for a toxic ride of pure imbalance at every turn.

This is where psychology comes into play with the two healthy bubbles just touching each other to make for a great relationship, not the two become one model.  that has always been outdated, it just takes a ridiculously long time for us humans to change.  Again why you dont choose a partner you think will change for you because even if thats true the patience you would need to have would be astronomical to stick around and endure the pain of that happening or the latter is the path... death to their spsirt as they become who you want them to be.

I still am crazy about the fucking Leo.   All these guys calling, texting and sniffing around and all I do is compare them to the Lion and none of them meet up, or if they do becuease i am in a hate on mood for the fucking cat it only lasts moments and I remember that he can match me in whtever frequency I am in.   And thats what i am looking for.... total match of crazy... not picture perfect.

Day three of ... Today i noticed...

I am ridiculously insecure of my own feelings... distrustful of them.... in constant need of reassurance.

I am addicted to online Tarot readings and psychic readings.

I am in a place in my life where change is so prevelant that i am afraid and cannot trust the choiuces and directions presented to me, i am seeking outside validation at every turn.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Day Two of the Today I noticed challenge...

10 days of writing every day to increase the flow of creativity and to put the wheels in motion to a new level of consciousness and vibration in my world.

It is Mothers day today.  I really detest these days that my society has deemed important to force us people that are too self-centered to practice loving our mothers every day.   Don't you find it hard to force your emotions on these holidays that may or may not fit with how your feeling that day?  

I get taking days to notice all that your mother does for you, but the pressure and the money grab that happen around a day that becomes specifically set aside for love and attention makes it fake and forced.   would you not agree that there is a line of truth to what I am saying?

As a mother of three and a daughter, I would much prefer to show my mom random acts of love throughout the year then pay extra dollars buying flowers and a card to meet the standards of what the neighbour kids just bought their moms so mine doesn't feel my love is second rate or something.

My children know I hate these holidays and they go out of their way on other less expensive and conspicuous days to love me in a way that fits for them.  

We have become a society of micro managed people and we don't even realise it.   We are told what to think, when to eat, how to breathe and when to love and even what to love.  

Do you not want your own voice, your own thoughts?   would you not love to love when you feel it right to do so?

I know it would be an easier life for me if I just caved and gave into the flow of all around me and just learned to love when I was told to and be happy all the time because its the better option and to be grateful in every moment because it makes everything around me seem less annoying, but in truth I didn't work my ass off in my life to get in tune with my feelings just to have to subdue them because I now no longer fit with my society.

I was born to be a mover and a shaker.   I am the person that rubs everyone wrong and creates a friction.  I am that person that will point our your flaws so that you can feel better about yourself after you have become more authentic because of the changes brought about from my temporary annoyance.   I am lonely because I am a mover and shaker, anyone that can stay close to me is someone who can handle the constant change I bring into their lives.

Which is not many people.   I am not popular for my teachings and will probably not be fully realised until well after I am gone from this physical plane.  But I will keep expressing my views and keep doing the work that feels good within me to release.   I will stay sad that I am misunderstood and stay isolated from popular opinion because in those unpopular feelings I find a weird sort of strength and comfort.  To be happy is to comfort and no matter how hard I try to fit into your box, I just cannot do it.  So I accept who I am and still go forth and live in this world with my own kind of secret happiness that i can share with no one.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Today I noticed......



Moving Forward......

I Have another blog that is fully about overcoming addiction... obsessive and compulsive... always filling the void.   That blog was seven year of my journey from leaving my husband and all the avenues addiction took in my life, switching one vice up for another until one day I did a major cleanse that lasted for an entire year and that was it, my awareness went so deep, my acceptance that this was how I coped and the action I needed to take in order to move out of the victim mentality entirely was birthed.

I have not written in the blog for months because that phase of my life is over.  That is when I began this blog in order to begin to create my dreams and passions.  You see I want to fall in love.  And not just get a boyfriend or life partner so I don't feel lonely, but to fall madly passionately in love with a soul connected individual that can reach tantric levels this world has not seen yet.   The problem is that kind of love triggers those addictive qualities in me times ten.

I have been obsessing through my tarot reads and psychic channels to help me overcome my fear of opening up to love.  you see I come from a childhood of extreme neglect and abuse and although I dislike living there for any amount of time it's a reality I must accept and constantly take action to move away from or I easily become trapped in my own self-created hells....

And that is where I am again today.   Trapped in my own self-created hell unable to allow life to just flow.  Keeping my focus on me and my own life is extremely hard when an object of affection comes into sight.   I am a cat that pounced on what catches her attention and am relentless like a pit bull when I dig my teeth into something.   Unfortunately, that causes me more damage then it does my poor victim... and let me be clear I surely create victims of men that try to love me.

Its a sad day in the reality of me right now.   I think I have destroyed another poor guy just wanting to love me.

So I am moving my focus on to learning to write while I build a more solid financial foundation so that come winter I can really launch my online business which is really where my heart is.   You see I know I got a flare for writing when my heart wants to bleed onto the screen, but I suck at the details of sentence structure and all that boring bullshit that goes into being a great writer.  So that is where I should be placing my focus at this time.

I know that when it comes to love and romance that is an energy out of my control and to have patience and accept timing is as important as the chemistry is, I am well on my way to learning.  so keeping my very very very busy mind active on a pursuit such as writing will allow me the space to move forward and open up the channels to allowing love to come find me.   Because seeking it has caused way way way to much fear to rise up within me and that fear has put a huge wall up around me fully protected by a plethora of little scorpions ready to attack any would be compatibles from getting close to me.

So I need a healthy distraction from a weirdly odd addictive feeling which is the purest feeling in the world.... Love.   Self-love, self-love, self-love....  that's the only way to opening up to a greater love.  I hear it all the time and I get it and my love continues to grow and grow for myself, but it's a hard upward battle when I had no blueprint of what that looked like and with each new loving person in my life I am forced to accept a new level of what my blueprint wants to accomplish and thus a new cycle of work begins to get there.

Sometimes I fear the work is too much and I should just stop and accept the life of crazy cat lady safe within the confines of her own heart and those that love her with no challenge.  And then I start to cry because its not gonna be enough for me.  So I continue on this path of learning to love myself even greater just to be able to open my heart to a friend... let alone a romantic partner.

Maybe by the time I am 80 I will be ready.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Is there 'The One'?




Do you choose who you fall in love with?

Is there a moment,  an instance that there is no return from?   That love at first sight?

Or are there just experiences upon experiences to bring into alignment with yourself?

Does everyone contribute to the same reality or are we individualistic in our natures?

Is the concept of The One lost to us?   Do you still believe in the One?


When I look back on all my interactions with partners each one brings me clo9ser to the truth.   The truth of myself and the truth of what I am looking for and thus the truth of what is looking for me.

I can see more clearly with each partnership that there is always a key element missing.   With one its passion, with another its connection, yet with another its compatibility.   I have yet to find someone who embodies all of what I desire.

What happens when I find him?   Will it be easy or will it be even harder because he is 'The One"?

I have been reading up lots about Intimacy and romance and all things to help me better understand myself within this last fling I had with Leo the Lion.   My emotional reactions were nothing I had experienced before, my loss of control over and over again had me going back for more like a love sick puppy okay with the abuse.   Why is that?

I easily walk away from people and situations that serve no greater purpose for my life... I know this through years of self-examination and experience.  So why then can I still not stop thinking about a new approach with this guy?  A new way to get his attention and keep it?

Why am I okay with him dating another girl, knowing that I love him.... and truly I do.  I don't know how to explain it.   It's not a deep love of knowing someone but it is a love that makes me want to be near him, to get to know him and to accept all parts of him even the douche bag parts.   I am not critical of him.... why is that?   I am critical of everyone!!

I let him go.   I really have.  And I am moving forward with my life and my business, putting attention where it desperately needs to be.  But I have not forgotten about him nor do I want to...   Just a much-needed rest for both of us I guess.

I think I am starting to believe in the One.......

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

New Cycle Begun: The Sun Tarot Card






Is it weird that even though I saw him with another woman, when I went to cry I could not muster the tears?

Is it weird that I have a strong feeling this is a necessary part of the journey we are on and its not over  but is a much-needed break for both of us?  A welcomed freedom from the intense energy we create within each other.

Is it weird that I feel like the bulk of our relationship actually happens in the energetic realm?

He came to me so strong Monday morning when I didn't fall into step with what was becoming a regular routine of meeting in the laundry room of our building.   His lack of action within this whatever it is we have going, had me backing out of all things connected to him as I knew I was beginning to drown with the stagnation of the energy.

He brushed my energy coming down the stairs as they are connected to my apartment and he brushed it as he went back upstairs.   When I didn't respond to his energy I could feel his anger level rising.  When his energy burst into my apartment i could almost physically feel him and it truly scared the shit out of me.   I have never known someone that powerful in manipulating energy before.

I was reminded of the time with Mr. beautiful crazy (whom I contacted btw to see if it has been his energy coming to me at night which it hasn't been) when I was calling out to him to protect me from the guys that were smelling the heat I was in for him.   He never protected me from the wolves.   As I realise now was not his job too, it was my job to choose him if that was the path for me.   And truly I did choose him in the end but he was too hurt to accept it and now that boat has sailed.... well in truth, if i were to be totally honest with myself..... it was nothing more than a learning lesson, we really had no passion for each other, he was not ready and astrologically we are not fit for each other.

Maybe Leo the Lion is just another learning lesson and its why my feelings aren't really hurt that he is with another woman.   All I can really think is that I am better than her, and that's not ego talking it's just how I feel and I have no reason other then if he chooses her it's because he couldn't meet me where I am at and that's an okay choice on his part and it helps me move on, but in truth, I feel he will be back and this time he will fight for me as I have fought for him and trust me when I say I fought a noble fight for him.  My demons are gone and will be forever now, I will never have to cycle that again even with a new partner.   So thank you Leo the Lion.

He came to me several times in the past week in the astral and it was incredible.   I wonder only slightly what would have happened had I acted on it.  His constant rejection of me was beginning to wear on me and the games he was playing were way, way, way too hard for my heart.   So I know that my choices would not have been different,  there are no regrets in my emotions.... just freedom and peace.   not even any heartbreak and that's the reason I write here today.

I can easily let go when the energy has let go of me.   I can see how quickly my energy gets coveted when I let a man into it.   If they get the milk for free why would they ever pay for it, right?   So now is time for me to put a huge block up around my energy and only give it intimately to those that deserve it, to those that have worked for it.

Leo will know what he is missing soon enough because all my ex's come back at some point.   If he wants me he will have to work his fucking ass off for me because no little balcony head pop or energetic plays are going to do it this time.  

August is when the magic will happen as per my yearly read did back in September.   So till then I will focus on my own adventures and see where they lead me, maybe it will be far away from Leo the Lion and into something even greater.   Again timing of everything is a faith and a trust that is hard-won through experience for this old dog.   Live and let live!!

New Love Creation:

I want to be swept off my feet by someone that is totally connected on all levels and I want to marry that person because they will be able to keep the relationship alive for decades with their connection to themselves, source and me.

This is my intention and my creation..... let the games begin!!


Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Turn of The Wheel.....

Sometimes I hide the truth from myself in order to get through and to actually create more pain for the poor undeserving heart.

At what point did his energy pull out and mine keep going?   Did I really not notice his lack of responses?   Why did I trust the connected one when she told me he loved me and that he was just acting immature?  Was that just my own test to actually push through something?

I am a runner.   I always run when things get hot in the kitchen.   I didn't run this time.  I didn't run with Mr. beautiful Crazy.   I am not a runner anymore.

Now I am a give it all away for free Girl to the most hurtful men around apparently.    How did I not see he was draining me the entire time just to give the energy to another |her.

How did I not see that the challenges were just too great to overcome?   Why was I willing to work on something so impossible?   Why was it so hard to let go?

I don't believe in the one anymore, but I did believe that the one I connected with would become something great with me.   I guess he fit the vision of what I wanted my life to be.

Why do we bother creating vision boards and goals, when there are obviously too many people involved to make that a reality?   How do we find someone willing to produce our visions?   I really thought I had found that why am I so blinded to the truth when it comes to love?

Was I just carrying on my combined vision with Mr beautiful Crazy, superimposing it on this poor unsuspecting Leo?   Could I once again see a potential that was never there and was not accepting the situation or the person as they were?

People don't change.

Maybe he could see that I wanted a different leo and he could never give me that one.  Maybe I seen him more grown up than he is and that created a wall too high to crawl over.   Maybe his strength to detach and move on months ago is actually a saving grace for me today.

I flow where it feels good.  I have not felt good for a very long time.  I just thought it was part of the process.   I don't think it is anymore.

But then who has been manifesting in my room at night if not him?

Twice in a row, the energy of a male has made himself known to me as I was getting ready for bed.   one time most intimately and the other time very solid in form touching my lower back.  I took the energy for the Leo trying to get my attention.   Then yesterday I felt a very strong cross road being created by him.   One for which I did not cross over.

He is abusing the power of my love.   Love turns into surrender and surrender turns into power.   I surrendered, he did not, he used my power against me and I let him.

Until a month ago that is.    It took a month for him to move on to someone else's power.   Sick fucking bastard..... hurts my heart.

Mr. beautiful crazy absorbed my power for two years.

It's time to learn when to surrender and who is worthy of my love and energy.  It's too bad that the Lion can't sees how great we would be together.  It's sad that he is lost in the surface layers, but what can I expect from a little gangster with a small vision?

So its back to the drawing board.    I am already on to a course that can lift these patterns for me and release me from the easy flow of my love.   Discernment and detachment are the lessons I shall embark upon now.   And having the strength to keep going in love and not give up on the quest and give in to my sadness at the cruelty of men who have had a taste of what I can offer.

This is the third guy I am aware of that my power has made crazy.  Maybe the next guy can handle it....   Another Leo is on the horizon this one has a few more qualities that have become important to me... like friends, family and well a job.

Although my heart is twisted, I can honestly say it doesn't totally hurt.  the relationship really just resided in my head and the lesson there is that the lack of real emotions was a direct result of over thinking and not having a place to release them and therefore the death of them was the only avenue they had to go, I just kept the play going because it was better than feeling alone as my life launched into a scene that was too new and too uncomfortable to journey solely on.

I have asked for a partner in my life, I see now the little Leo could not be that for me and that is more important than anything else on my list of must-haves that a potential partner embody.   Funny how we conveniently ignore some certain truths to bend reality when a number of other factors are in place, like it eliminates one big one in blue of the few extra little ones.

Another lesson.... live in the moment of what is real.  remove energy, remove astrology, remove the wisdom of elders and remove one's own desires of outcome and learn to just be in the moment, every moment and surely you will manifest along the right path for you.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

What more can I let go of?

I can feel him when he is near me.  

I am not sure if this is a connection or he is sending me energy or if I am the one sensing it.   I have been advised through my dreams, through my cards and through my higher power to let go and move on.... but for a long time,
I questioned what it isIi am truly moving on from.

I am a ganga lover and that holds me a back a bit.... lifts me up but also cuts me off from my higher power after chronic use.  So I let that go.

I can fall victim of old addictive mind mentality for which I am writing about.  I am in the process of letting go of the old label.  Is that what my cards are talking about?

I let Leo the Lion go.  I am not talking to him.   I am not going near him and with each thought its getting softer and easier to release.

So why am I still having dreams of something I need to let go of?

The dream had a younger guy in it that I know loves me but I am not interested in.  Am I to let go of my sexuality and what interests me?   I really don't get it.  I am letting go of everything and I am still getting told there is more to release.

Spirit show me what else I can do because I can't keep living in this place of shitty luck and exhausted emotions.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Prayer & Abundance






With every memory,
I give it to White Buffalo with prayer. 

Gratitude fills my heart
At the opportunity 
to have experienced something new.

But

I let it go.
Over and over
I let it go.


My heart cracks
with each Good-Bye.

My heart floods with love
with each Buffalo Prayer

I send him love.
I wish him the best.

I let him go
Over 
and Over

Peace washes over me 
blocking the thoughts of his moving on

I let him go
I give him, to White Buffalo

With each pulse
My heart swells and my heart caves
Intense.

                                     
                                      I am sure in time
the letting go will cease.


Life will return to black and white
My hearts normality
matching the masses



But for now...

I enjoy the letting go.
I will savour the last moments
in this time
in this space.

with every memory,
I give it to white Buffalo.



Thursday, April 13, 2017

Check Point



What vibration are you in right now?

Angry, nervous, sorrow, depressed.    A lower vibration where no one can meet you at and if they can, it should be questioned where they are at and is that really what you want?

This is my question today.

I am in a lower negative fear vibration as of late.  Too many negative life hits and I could not regain my composure.  I spun.  

The toy Top is finally coming to a wobbly stop.

I am moving back into the love vibration as my heart slowly opens again and my mind takes a back seat.  No longer needing to protect me by whisking me off into my fantasy world.

My cards tell me its time for some counselling.  I say maybe, but more maybe not.  

Increase vibrations everyday through trying something new daily.  Reaching out of my comfort Zone.  Building on to my goals in a daily routine.   Staying connected to people but spending as much time alone as possible.

I know who I am and what I need.   i know what I want and I am willing to learn how to get it.

Do the Work and the rewards will become available to you.

Switching up Vibrations.  

Moving on up.........

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

555





How is it that when he lets go,   I can feel it?

Another rose up so quickly and took the power from him.

I could feel it.

Did I let go first when I told him it was done and
I stuck to my boundaries?

Have I finally won this pattern?

Oh ya, I won this.

 I won my self respect back.

I won My confidence back, slowly.

Was he bad for me?
No I don't think so.

Too much light creates big scary shadows is all.

Protection was fatal
in his energetic embrace.

Most powerful Man I have felt.
Intoxicating.

Very intoxicating. So intoxicating.  Too intoxicating.
Lost my balance.  Landed on my back.

He wasnt there to catch me.
Did he really want me?

Maybe this next one will be able to hold on to me when I fall

It hurts landing alone.

Did I really fall or just want the pain?
Am I over the Past?

I couldn't see beyond the light.

Whatever.

I am under new protection now.

I felt it slide over me during the full moon last night.

I woke up clear this morning.  First in almost a year.

I feel ready.   I am letting go.

Every female always has the spiritual protection of a man, it can be no other way

We don't need to know this, but I can feel it.

Consciousness connects and new comes in.

My consciousness shifted last night.

I feel a calm wash over me today.

Like everything is finally gonna be alright.

The Leo has changed faces.

Monday, April 10, 2017

How do I let go again?  Why do I always forget how to do this?

Move on.  Do different activities.  Stop thoughts, shift and transfer focus.

I know all of these things

but then why is it still so fucking hard to do them?


Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Taming the Beast.







Why is this so hard?

He treated me like shit.  I understand the larger picture.  I know that my thoughts in this matter DO NOT create my reality. I know that I have no control over this situation.  So then why Am I still wanting to reach out to him?

I am changing focus. I am moving forward.  I am taking steps, fast and active. I am  Attracting new experiences and really great ones at that.  I am stepping into my power.   So why then do I still feel so damn drawn to him?

Letting go of the Past issues are a very real thing for me.  This awareness has always been one that I have had, so I have worked with it a long time.   I can let go of guys pretty easy when I know they will harm my future.  Myself and my kids are the most important thing in my life.  To some outsiders who know me this might look different as my parenting style is much different from most peoples but I have great kids so it works for us.

So when a guy comes into my world he needs to fit my life and my kids and he must have something to contribute to my/our future.

If they do not it is a quick adventure to kill time and lift spirits but that's it nothing more and when the lifting is over before the fall happens I am on my merry way and all is left in a nice happy place.   So why with this guy can I not let go.... why did I allow the fall?

How far am I willing to fall I guess is the better question.   I can see through astrology that this relationship will either make us great..... like really really great as a couple and in our own rights.... or it will completely destroy us.   There is no middle ground here.

So my cards are advising me to let go.  Move focus away from him.  I want to quit him.

But I can't.   No matter what I do or how hard I let go over and over or how many of the smoking hottest guys walk into my life, I just can't stop myself from loving him again.  My body floods with emotion not only with thoughts of him but out of nowhere my body will light up and I can feel him.   I just want to love him so much.   It feels so good to love him, and to be honest it even feels good to hate him.   Just being around him is good.

I know I love very easily and so fully and without any conditions... I know I do this because it gets me into a lot of trouble in the world we live in.  People take me as false or they take advantage of me. Most people don't understand me or better to the point I really don't understand most people. But the point for me is.... Unconditional means that I can always see the larger picture of why they do what they do, so I can just shut it off and move on.  Simple for me really....  I do not have a letting go problem anymore because of this awareness and my experiences.

....Until this moment.   I can see Leo and I are in the process of destroying each other and yet I can't stay way, I am wanting to jump in and flip the switch and to get moving the other way.   But I can't because every time I do it gets worse.  Everything that has worked in the past is not working now.  Everything I do makes this worse.   I am completely clueless as for how to proceed and have been since the very first time we saw each other after the great night of 23/06/16.

When I went through the Twelve step fellowship it was widely accepted that if you reminisce about your drug of choice and bring those feelings of the highs back you sabotage going forward.  I can see this on a different level now and however true it is of hard drugs that destroy our lives I look at this last spin of addiction and my greatest fear is the destroy part of the Lion is the addiction side of me.  
The reason this blog had to change focus.

I need to move forward in my life and away from this energy, anything I try to create here is going to be of a lower vibration.  Already I am moving my energy so this is not a concern and why I can allow myself to fall in the love vibration again even if only in my own body with the gorgeous lion.  I can only hope he will catch that energy and follow. maybe catching up with me again when I am in a clearer headspace.  
Maybe then we can shoot for the moon instead of Inanna's underworld. Because I know this guy and I could remodel what a real romance can look like and how two people can live in their own worlds yet meet in the middle as often as possible.

 I have never wanted to love someone as much as I want to love this guy.  I feel like I am dying inside without him.... but then again that might just be a very good thing for now.

NumBing out has its place in one's life and full acceptance of that is what removes an addiction label.  As much as I love fasts and stand behind programs that betters one's life, learning your own truth and that each program or fast serves but a purpose, not a life sentence.

Letting go of old beliefs is the only letting go that ever has to happen, this is what you facilitate through each fast and each program.

Be true to yourself ALWAYS.  No matter how against the grain it go's or even how ugly that looks.  
I fell hard and it wasn't pretty but I have no regrets.  He will go down in my mind as something really fucking great that happened in my life. No matter how things turn out because there are no mistakes in life, just experiences.




Bye Baby.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Welcome to My Twisted Mind



Rejection breeds obsession.

Tony Robbins said this in one of his youtube videos that caused the golden chimes of heaven to ring in my ears like a brass gong sounds off and vibrates through the hearts of monks.

Rejection causes this cataclysmic chain of events to domino in my life.  I go apeshit when someone takes the banana away from me.

Leo the Lion played the rejection game better than any other douche bag I know.  Do I hate him for it?   Sadly the answer to that is no. 

 Rejection breeds obsession and even when the obsession is gone I am left feeling like if he could create such huge drama within me where no other guy has before then who is he, I want to know him even more.   

Is that fucked?   Sure is.   Am I acting on it?  Hells No!

Learning to manage one's mind is a lesson for every single person in the world and to the obsessive, it's a deeper harder lesson to work through.   I am allowing my thoughts to play because as fucked as it is, I still feel a connection to him that I want to believe(checked; belief doesn't hurt me) is a bit different than other connections I have had.

I can usually tell right away how a situation is gonna play out with a guy.  Through experience, Empathy and Hypersensitivity.  We all can read how a guy makes us feel and for many of us we can know how that could escalate on both sides of the love and fear coin.  Playing the tape to the end, so to speak.    This ability for me is a blessing and a curse because it will have me cut someone out within the first meeting or two even though the attraction is crazy good because of what fear he could bring to the table.

If a guy makes it to a third date or more then there is a deeper connection that is created.  Every attracted man and woman will create an energetic bond if they both want that.  Once a bond is created, however short timed it is, sometimes it's hard to break.  Again even if it is a short time.  For the obsessive people that bond gets wicked strong wicked fast and I use wicked twice because it's a fear bond not a love bond and those bonds are crazy strong.

So in my dating years, I really only made a couple bonds, all the rest of the guys I have dated have been nothing but passing the time hotties.  This one is not a passing time hottie.  This one fell in love with me and bonded with me when I was in my brightest light.   But then quickly I fell victim to my own dark fears and ruined all there was between us.

It's the truth I own it.  And his rejection created such a strong obsession in me that it even scared me.  That's why as the obsession wears off and my focus moves back into my life and the obsession lets go of its grip on me I am still left with that base bond we created in a loving vibration.

Do I think there is still hope for us?  Maybe.  Who knows where the wheel of fortune is gonna turn in this one.  It is the first time ever I have had no sense of control over the situation or the guy.  This is a first for me and with all firsts, I never ever do them gracefully.  

So to survive this I must move my focus back into my life and create a reality I want to thrive in.  I know now that to get what I truly want I am gonna have to work at it.   The work in this love arena is the final letting go of obsession and addiction that has plagued my life for seven years now.  

This cycle is broken.

Learning to live without the Obsessive/compulsive label and refocussing on five streams of income to flip my broke ass over to a rich bitch is where this blog must go now.  I am sad to see it leave my love story but in truth, it really isn't leaving it.... it's doing the work necessary to achieve the true results I want in this category....

........  And that's a Harlyquin Romance that leads into a life long partnership.  Where the love is real, the acceptance complete, The strength of self is evident, the passion intense and where the combined creations are out of this world Great.   I know I will be attracted to this man and his attraction will be equal to mine....   

Because what you are seeking is also seeking you, it can be no other way, its the law of attraction and it cannot be denied.

So until that fateful day arrives I will focus on this Twisted Mind.




Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Did my Ex Husband Destroy My chances at Love??



When we click with someone it is only the first step in merging together to create something even greater than both the parts combined, But first, each part needs to be great.

Am I not great yet?

Have I not done a shit load of work on myself?

Have I not mastered several careers?

Have I not moved my own emotional intelligence from that of a child to adulting daily (obvious mention of my traumatic past to stunt this area of my life)

Have I not spent years alone finding myself?

Have I not mastered my base chakra and have all my needs met?

Have I not moved up the dating latter to recognise douche bags?

Obviously not because I am still attracting to me those who wish to manipulate and harm me with the abuse of my own power.

Why is that?

I am a healer and I take people in emotional pain through a twelve-week program that connects them deeply into themselves, have I not already taken myself through my own program several times?

Then how come I am the one still attracting this pain to myself?

Last night laying in bed I was Chewing on what one of my exes answered in response to my desperate question of ... what is wrong with me, why does none of my relationships ever make it anywhere?   His response was shrugged off in the moment, but later had some resounding ripples within my mind.

He said that my Ex-husband hurt me so bad that now all I do is run.

My life focus has been so closely dissecting and ripping apart my childhood that I haven't been able to see anything past those years.    My ex-husband 7 years into our marriage, during a big move and a super stressful period of life told me he didn't love me anymore and didn't think he ever had.

I didn't realise until last night how much that last statement effected me.  

He had never loved me??  

My world shattered that day.  It really did.

As far as painful days in my life goes that was by far the worst one in my adult years.  

I never brushed it under the carpet, though, I deal with my shit in the moment and broke every glass thing in my home and spent four months deep in battle with him.  But Apparently, I planned and plotted for a lot more years.... (obviously subconsciously because let's are honest my heart is too soft to hurt anyone deliberately even if they did just destroy me).......and years to retaliate the feelings, by ditching him in a similar situation exactly seven years after his insult.

I did get my revenge,  I am in the last stages of divorce.

Am I after all that STILL holding on to that pain?

Am I so Afraid of another 'fake' love me that I cannot even move into a simple romance?    

I know my ex was just under a tonne of stress and didn't actually mean what he said>  We worked through that as a couple and things got really great the next seven years, but  we still grew apart.  But we are both okay with that So why the self inflicted pain still??

We attract to us where we are at..... ALWAYS.

There is absolutely NO exception to this rule.  If you are not happy with an area of your life the only way to change it is to change yourself.  But first, you have to make a decision to break the pattern and take action to do so.

I cannot repeat a pattern of this any longer.  I am done with Holding on to that pain.  I need freedom from it All.

So

I blocked The Lion.

This Virgin obviously has some more letting go to do because The Lion is a force to be reckoned with and he has already abused my power and I am disgusted with myself for allowing it.  Attraction can blind us to certain truths.   When as women we give away our power to the wrong type of men we find ourselves in pretty ugly places.  

As we grow we learn who to get vulnerable with and who not to... but if we are holding a pain then that pain is going to keep coming up over and over again to make us aware of it.  You cannot move forward when your holding on to something from the past.  It's Like a rubber rope constantly snapping you back.

Mr. beautiful Crazy also had an Ex he was unwilling to deal with the pain she caused him.  Instead, he was fighting and retaliating and just causing himself more shit and abuse.  I never saw it because I immediately took the healer role in our relationship.  Something I will never make the mistake of again.  And thought I had gotten so clever with The Lion.

I got too excited at how compatible the energy is between the Lion and myself.  I got to lost in my own emotions to notice all my fears were consuming the good in the relationship like a fire sweeps a dry forest... with fierce momentum.

And Now the Lion is Gone.

And I am left picking up the pieces of the misuse of power he used to puppet me with and my own awareness that I created the situation in the first place and I am sure he himself  hated being a part of it.   Bringing people in on our pain is a highly vulnerable act and if that person doesn't know us well enough yet,       .........well its an exposure that can damage.

So lesson here boys and girls.....  The onion is never done being peeled.

Apparently, I still need pain in order to discover what needs to be cleared and maybe I am just too eager to work through that pain because I feel pretty embarrassed.  Another lesson, don't get involved with Guys that live in your apartment building.... makes for too many tense moments.

SO.......

It's back to the drawing board for me.

I set the intention to let go of the pain caused by my ex-husband.

Awareness(Painful).  Acceptance(Some relief).  Action(Change)


I hope that I don't have to change this title again, but in truth, I believe I will, for the meantime anyways.

 Part of falling in love....
(something I want to master on this planet and I know will need years upon years within a relationship so I want to get this show on the road as soon as possible)... lol like everything else in my life I approach it with precision and calculated risk)
.... is falling in love with yourself as well.

So its back to my Jeep and all things Momma Love until I can build a new vision and take action.   People say love comes to you and they are surely correct but for those of us that need to work at it, it's about taking action and then allowing the balance of flow to take over.  As with building my business is the same thing.... set things in motion and see where they go, continually fanning the flames to build momentum.

,,,,What shall I set in motion this time???

Lion you still willing to Play?


.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

No surrender.

I am Ready 

To Fight.

He had His Time to Prepare.

Now It's My time to Step into A Decision.

I am Ready

For Him.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Maybe a Surrender After All.





He is just another guy in my story, right?

I am sure that is what he is thinking if he is reading this,  he surely isnt so I can keep writing.  

What's if he isn't wrong?  

Whats if my falling in love experience will never happen cause I am forcing it too, Like the Ram in me does with everything, force it?  Let's Get'r Done!!  

Do you really think I am forcing it?

I started this Love blog when I met Merlin.   I dont know what was going on between him and I but it felt like magic to me.  I didnt have the heart space to love him but he sure opened me up to something great thats for sure.   Maybe I couldt fall and he knew this because he was gone before the story ever got started. And man it was a good story... Prelude to a Love Story.  At the beginning of this blog

The Lion is sadly following quick on his heals.
Them damn cats.  Fuck why do I love them so much?
Merlin the Lone wolf and Now the Lion.

After Merlin there were a lot of men that never made it to these pages not even as a creative baby spark.   I re- created these pages less then a year ago for Mr. Beautiful Crazy because that man really did fall in love with my Crazy.   He loved my thought processes and my crazy stories and he loved being around me.  Ya He was In love.... Not with me but my Crazy.

That was a heart breaking story and maybe I should be staying present with that before I attempt another cat.  The True heartbreaking part of that story is that I never fell back in love with Mr.   He tried for two years to ignite a spark in me and it just never played out that way.  I loved him only as a friend could with No romance.

So to be fair to the first statement I can safely say that the Lion is not just another guy.  Nothing about him since first meeting has been normal.  Every conversation has ignited something in me I dont get yet.   I feel out of sorts.   Its weird cause its so comfortable with him and its getting exceedingly uncomfortable thinking about how much I want to be in that comfort ALL the time,

I think......

He is the only guy I have sparked with since higheschool.

I feel like my heart is breaking but not the kind that shatters into a million peices and you feel like you are gonna die but the kind that brings you awareness of the delicacy of things.  How one wrong word or action can change the course of things.

When I met The Lion I was stunned.   Truly stunned into Freeze for months.  The When i finally unfroze I was filled with Flirts and giggles.  Then Sadness got me.  Fucking Demon from hell that gets me everytime something great is developing in my life... i think another word for it is self-sabotage.  At its finest playing out as a Harley Quinn Saga, The Joker the Main Squeeze.

Ya not all my moments are fine ones.

Match Struck, Epic Burn.  Guess its time to sit back with a good book and see what is left after everything settles.  No sense in crying over spilt milk yet.   ..... And Just like that the heart moves into safety.


GODDESS.

 GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT

THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE

THE COURAGE MY BEAUTIFUL GODDESS

TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN

AND GOD.

THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

Quickly Please.
Love B.



Sunday, February 26, 2017

Surrender or Flow... Letting Leo the Lion Go?




Surrender and Flow.

What is the difference?  Is there a difference?  Is flow just the new surrender?

As we move from the energy of Pisces to the energy of Aquarius I can see how we move from surrender and waving the white flag to allowing ourselves just to flow through life's trials and tribulations like we are an excited observer of our own lives.

I cannot get on board with the idea of surrender.

 I really can't.  

I have been through a twelve step program that was all about surrender and there were many meetings spent discussing this topic at length and no matter what perspective was taken I could not get on to the idea that surrender was just about letting go.

Surrender brings an image of waving a white flag, does it not?  

Does that white flag not imply some sort of defeat?   If you are to surrender your thoughts,   are you not admitting your thoughts were wrong and thus failure's?   Maybe even if they are, in that defeatist surrender where are you left?  

A barren wasteland riddled with dead bodies?  How is that a good launching ground for your next adventure?

To me when I feel I need to shift gears because my thoughts or a project or a habit has pulled me down into a muddy stuck wheel spinning place, I stop and allow the flow to pick back up and take me out of that sticky spot.   I could keep fighting and try to control the situation, try new angles of wheel turn and different acceleration rates to get unstuck but in truth that just brings a white flag of defeat.

To let go, stop for a moment and call in flow.... in surrender its God you pull to you.  Within Flow, it's your own connection to the universe that slows everything just enough for you to connect with what is around you and before long you know exactly what to do to get out.

I guess you can say the concepts are the same in the letting go aspect.  Letting go of what is causing you pain and stepping into what feels better.

So if surrender is the letting go, the flow would be the next step.  However, I still can't accept surrender as it is to defeatist for me.  I have no desires to put up a white flag, but all the desire in the world to move on to something new right away if what wasn't working before needs to move out of my life.

And what about Flow and surrender in situations that are not let go circumstances but you have no control over and you don't particularly like the way they are going but know in your heart they will come around to where you want them to be.

Whoa....  that was long a wordy lets try that again..

Flow allows you to redirect your course of actions onto a new path until the one you want reconnects with yours again as it goes around that huge island of rocks in the middle of the river.  Flow gives you the option of the colour of raft your on and how to navigate around the rocks but not the choice of river nor who and what connects when.

 So maybe to flow gangsta style one needs to build Noah's boat!

That's where I am at today.   Flowing in a new direction.   It's a new moon and I had hoped that I could have found a way to invite the Lion into my life.

The truth is I do not flow all that gracefully.

 I force and push and hide and run and do all the things you should not do when your showing someone you like them... but whatever.  I could surrender and tell the universe my heart hurts too much and I don't wanna play anymore... I could wave the white flag and say enough I am exhausted.

But in truth, I am not letting go.

I have conditioned my own self to believe I am not worthy of love.  That I am somehow extremely defected and will always struggle for scraps of love.  Through all the programs I have worked I have dug in deeper to that condition like a fat girl digs in deeper to her pain through every diet she tells her body with,  that its not good enough.

To remove the conditioning means more work on my part, not surrendering and giving up.  How does surrendering move me forward?  It doesn't.   Flow and allowing my higher self and the universe to move situations into my life that allow me to move out of this conditioning is how I would rather proceed.

I don't want to give up on that Lion....

Why?  

Because I am done giving up on potential partners.  I say I want someone in my life and yet attract to me people that want to hurt me.  That's not a blame thing, truly, its a reality of where I am still at.  Those mere morsels of love, remember.

Well, the Lion is a full nine-course meal far from mere morsels it would take me the rest of my life to get through all he could offer me.   I am truly tired of surface superficial people that have nothing to offer me but their skin deep problems.

I want excitement and romance and I want to be pushed out of my comfort zone and I want to learn something new and I want to be the receiver and to feel my breath betraying me when I want to play it cool.   I want to not have any idea what is gonna happen next and to be surprised and amused by every situation we have.  I want to feel like a giggling school girl and for my life to be lived from that place of carefree fun.

There are not a lot of men that have true smiles in the world.  Many men cannot laugh deeply or even have an ability to flow with life.   This guy has those abilities and creates all those things above.

Where I created flowery words on these pages before in hopes of creating my dream man using the ingredients I had to work with in my life at those moments.

.... I have now begun to stumble upon these creations in real life.... and when I say stumble I mean kamikaze crash landing into his apartment in the middle of the night kinda stumble.   The grand experience you tell your grandkids about.

When you meet someone who brings you into a new version of yourself and one you like better then any of the You's that have gone before...    You hold on to that guy and you do what is necessary to flow with not only your needs but his as well.

And for a chance at a life with Leo the Lion..... I can flow.

New moon I had hoped you would have heard my plea and made this journey easier for me, but alas that may not be the case.  So there is an element of surrender after all in walking away from the Lion to allow him his space to decide if the chick that kamikazed into his apartment in the middle of the night and shook up his life is worth all the chaos she will surely bring to his tightly nit world.

 It's a scary place waiting to see if someone wants you or not.

Flowing away in a situation like this sure feels like a defeat,  I can see why people call it surrender.  I don't wish for my guides to think I have let go of the lion though because I indeed have not.  I just need to flow where it feels good right now and that's away from all things romantic...

Flow away from  the Lion and into some deep action steps.

 MINDFALLING.COM

 Let me develop my business

while I wait for the lion to lick his wounds and regain his composure after this feline attacked his slumber.

 I am stronger Leo, don't ever forget that if you wanted a match, you met her.   Don't end up losing her by taking to long with those wounds life has a way of moving faster than you realise.

Surrender or Flow?  

Let go is to give up, or to move on to something new while you wait?
Twin flame concept.... get creative while you wait.   I like that one.
So let the creations begin and new life flow to me!!

I am Ready!!



Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Woo Hoo,

The Lion Is Pissed right the Fuck off!

Let the New Games Begin!

Friday, February 17, 2017


One Step Forward, THREE back:(




I am big about the Moon.  I have always been big about the Moon.   I am fairly certain I will Always be big about the Moon.    So this past full moon is no exception in my awe-inspired revelations she popped into my little globe in my own head.

The way the planets have lined up what was begun in September had a chance to be revisited here in February and if the lesson was learned then life would move forward but if the lesson indeed was not you are looking at next august before you can move into your desires as you are still processing a lesson.

Damn lunar eclipse fucking with my mojo.

Obsessive compulsive disorder.   Another way to look at it is addiction.   A spin on it is Manic depressive.  But the bottom line of those all is unchecked thought patterns that lead to a vibration that no one can sustain over the long haul.  

The type of vibration that lovers instantly fall in love but truly it was just manic energy they became engrossed with and once that burns itself out the relationship fizzles too.  

That is the vibration I was just in.   That vibration is excitement that gets too high and turns into fear and that place is a very very very fast manic like speed that tends to burn both ends of the candle within the racing thoughts on just one poor subject.

I know this place all to well.   I built three separate blogs about this place.  This was to be the last of those blogs.   And it still will be it just became apparent to me that I have some work left to do.

I always feel like my heart is gonna crush under the weight of pain every time I move back into balance.  Like when I am manic or trapped in obsession my life is so happy and fun and everything is rose coloured and great and everyone loves a person who is happy right?  

No one loves the girl that is crying, though.   Well not for the tears that are old now and have been hugged away already by friends.  There is a time limit on peoples compassion.  
 It's hard to always be the only one loving you.  I understand the Love you first part and no one will love you better then you love you, but there comes a point in one's life that it gets really really lonely being the only one that shares that love with you.

That's where I am at.   Dropped like a boulder back into my life that is falling apart because I cannot keep my mind on my tasks and I can't seem to move forward to where I need to be in order to find what it is I need in order to function fully in this life.   They say everything you need is within you already and the truth of that is solid.  And I have lived a very great life alone with all I need.

I don't want to live that way anymore.  I WANT to share my life with someone.  I am just starting to accept what we want and what we get might be two totally separate things.  And well that just needs to be okay.  Acceptance and self-awareness are two of the three steps to get any situation on the right track again,

Now it's time to take action.

This was as much a healing blog as it was a fall in love blog so I guess it's time to move it back into the healing zone and get back to the drawing board.