Do I just want to fall in love for the sake of falling in love or do i just have so much freaking love to share that I want to give it to everyone all the time?
If I want to fall in love just for the sake of falling in love does that make me desperate? If i am going with my feeling and acting on them does that make me come across as needy if i am not practicing patience and letting him come to me?
There are so many rules and I get so crazy trying to follow them all. I have had so many failed relationships that I question the common denominator?
Is it me sabotaging all these romances or am I just not everyone's cup of tea? Were not all these friendships ended by my own choices because that partner did not fit where I was going? Is that not the self love kinda thing that is always included in the Rules?
Why does it feel then that my personality will never match someone's desires? Am I one of those hard older women that has a shell so thick that no one can get through it and just my mere trying hurts the very point of my desires?
I feel so lost and alone. Is that co-dependent? IS it wrong to want to be a part of an interdependent romance? Should I stop seeking because so many of my choices have failed? I guess that begs the question.... Are my choices the problem?
Why is it that I am attracted to all things that are bad for me then? Why is it that what gets my motors running are the very things that are gonna destroy the engine? Why does that not make sense to me?
I do have a certain type of guy I am attracted to. Does this mean they are all bad for me and I dont know whats good for me, or is it maybe that deep down inside I already know who is going to bring me into the greatest alignment with myself and that is who I seek out after?
I have always seen myself with a big bald guy and I am always wildly attracted to the younger guy. When I did finally meet the guy that fit my description exactly he brought the most intense emotions out of me that neither of us could handle. No regrets there but hot damn it was an experience.
I hear all the time from women that the one they married was not their type but they are happy... yet years later they are divorced and with a guy that they were originally attracted too. Is that a blue print within you that you must follow because it is part of a life plan for you or is that a blue print that is holding you back from creating something even greater in your life?
How does one then determine that and how do you let go of that old blueprint?
How do you have patience and move forward with your life when Your so happy to fall in love with another wrong guy for you? Is it wrong to want to play in that arena if everything else in your life is going well? Is there a pleasure to that pain that keeps you tethered to something that you do not want to let go of... a sense of personality maybe, a humility?
Who says staying the same is wrong? Who says that we must always be growing and moving forward out of our comfort zones? Is there ever a time where we can just sit and be with our crazy defects that really are not going anywhere anytime soon?
Is it okay to fall in love over and over and over again with the bad boy that is gonna be emotionally unavailable to you? Maybe if your line of work is all about emotions maybe that is a break for your heart. Maybe the guy that cant engage your intellect is the one for you if all day long in your field of work you are always on game intellectually. Maybe having someone just be there to do fun light things with is what you are looking for. Maybe that doesn't fit what others think you should have in your life, maybe it doesn't sit with your understanding yet. however maybe for just a few moments in time you dont have to figure it out and you can just let your overworked mind take a break and just be with the greatness of what this day brings!
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Sometimes I feel like I need to get far far far away from this blog and then other times its the only way my heart will release its pain.
Twin Flames make me crazy sometimes. Breeds Obsession. Then after a while away from it it has an opposite effect, and it releases those bottled up feelings from a numb heart trying to survive in a cold world without romance to keep you alive.
I know its not only romance that can warm your heart. Its why I must leave here sometimes. To focus on other avenues to my heart. Avenues that create equal ecstasy. Sometimes higher.... but never better.
I had a vision today. An encounter with another astral traveler.
It was during a mediation for creating some cold hard cash. A transmission through the Akashic records to release the binds that my mind has a hold of over being well off.... about being always poor and forever struggling no matter how many thousands and thousands of dollars are brought in each month.
I went somewhere else during the transmission but it was okay I liked what happened.
After a few tear releases and a minds let go's of what could easily be seen, felt and knew must be moved out of me, I felt fingers painting brown lines on my face. I could feel the man right there with me. Nothing was holding his energy away from me seeing him and feeling him fully in my reality in my easiest understanding of him... a hot male.
He was giggling and already telling me that romance will no longer be an issue for me. His laugh was so playful that I could barely ask why. I didn't really care, I trusted that his laugh was a forewarning of so much fun and love and respect and attention and all the things I want from one male and none of the fears and drama bullshit. I could feel it off the pure sheer level his energy was at. It was greater then what I could imagine from his feeble attempt to describe it to me, so i didnt bother to ask.
I asked him instead, why he was marking up my body with brown lines. And why it felt so amazing.
He looked me square in the face and said. "You're a Warrior Now".
His words filled me with mixed emotions.
I didn't want to be a Warrior I Want to be a Shaman. But it never ever occurred to me to become a Warrior. All of a sudden the idea of it exploded into my mind and I was instantly in vibration with that energy and feeling the most intense full body let go of all the things that no longer serve me for this new role I am stepping into.
I had to let go of the very hard time I was having walking through the devastation of my self esteem.
I have been there before so it was a well known path back up to where I am suppose to be, but none the less my heart was crushed that I chose so fucking poorly once again. I have over analyzed and thought the shit out of how Crazy Beautiful Got in, I am sure it was his name sake, it always is their fucking names that do me in. But anyways.... Thank you Merlin for trying to show me months ago. I got it, just slow is all.
I am glad to step into a new role. I am ready to become something new, something different. I am done cycling abuse and neglect. I am finished with the victim-hood and the need to follow other peoples programs, I am ready to create my own program for you to follow.
I am ready for MindFalling.com I am ready to become a warrior and kick some ass on the spiritual front and put all my energy into making waves and distracting the mind so that I can free people to step into their authentic selves. I am ready to be loved so fucking deeply that I cannot even imagine it right now. So I will focus on only one thing...... breaking down the walls with my Tribe.
I am ready.