Sometimes we listen to other people instead of our own hearts.
Thats the case here.
In my insecurities around falling madly in love with Mr. Beautiful Crazy I allowed in toxic information. I allowed in a fear vibration that tore my heart away from Mr. This is what they speak about staying in your heart and out of fear. The Bible says it every where, the white lighters say it repeatedly and now I finally understand it.
I allowed an energy into my relationship with Mr. that tore the beauty of what we were creating apart. I allowed the thoughts an opinions of lesser then energies in to infect my mind. My insecurities found a way to manifest themselves in a self help kinda way.
Not all programs out there are programs to help us along on our journey. They help many many people find the next step in their evolutionary trecks but they may be something you have already learned and mastered in another form and going back to that is like taking a step back into illusion. Where it is someone else's light. Does that make sense?
I did that in this relationship. I took a step back into the illusion, back into my insecurities and into letting someone outside of myself dictate how to move forward. And it was the wrong move.
I cant say I regret where I am, because I cant I am flourishing in my pain. I could have been flourishing in my love instead but I was just not fully ready to walk in that light yet. Just like the last time I moved into that light and wasn't able to hold it. Sometimes the pain in our souls is so strong that it hurts to be in the light, it's scary to see our shadows. I wasn't as supported as I needed to be within the relationship and I didn't know how to ask for that.
We are never on the wrong path and we are never creating anything Evil. There is no such energy in the world only in the minds of those that need that paradigm to function within their realities. Truly the Age of Aquarius is full acceptance of ALL that is. I fucked up. I am embarrassed and ridiculously heartbroken because of my lack of mind mastery, but I am not off path.
Before the Epic Burn, I was to launch into my own healing practice and I am to land on lot 12 in a lakeside community with an Eco friendly home and loving open clients visiting often. I am very much on path for that still as I have taken all of my pain and plastered it into my web presence. The clients I am attracting now because of the burn are also people in pain. This is okay for me as it opens another level I can reach into and pull people out of. I accept and honor where I am at and am humbled that my own actions put me here.
I wish I could just call him and fix all of this but I know that cannot be. The damage was way to deep this time and the pattern closed. The only way this could ever move forward is on a romantic front because I can no longer lie about how I am feeling and in truth that is what I was doing. To him and to myself.
I am sick with pain and heart break. I am the Twin that needs to do some work on my self esteem and insecurities. To fall in love is to look so deeply in a mirror that you can fall in and get lost. I fell to far and I broke it.
My heart is crushing.