Monday, November 21, 2016

Understanding my Power

There is so much happening within the blog and within the loops of my reality.  I dont even know where to fit this post in among the Twin flame Drama that is playing out in my reality.

Do you ever notice that when you pull out of a relationship that is when you can see it the clearest.  Thats when the revelations come smacking down on your head.  Either bringing with them a painful headache or a light headedness that makes you almost giddy with relief?  

I am in both minds.  

I am sickened to know I stayed in a friendship not standing in my truth and allowing my generous love to be compromised and dirtied because my friend was unable to stand in his own truth of what the relationship was too him.   He needed to practice and play with the idea of what I was offering at the expense of my sanity and that is never okay.  But what is worse is that I could not stand stronger in my truth that just because I thought he was a great guy I was not over the top attracted to him.

And within that paradigm I also played with that idea that I could fall in love with out instant attraction leading the way.   I believe my paradigm play actually proved me right and I did fall deeply in love with him.  But as I fell favorably into my idea he fell the opposite direction..... I think.   I can no longer speak words for him.

How is it that we go through these incredibly weird scenarios to learn how we are within ourselves?

Being in relationship with others is truly as they say, a mirror to show us the truth behind the masks we wear.  If we are lucky enough to find a friend that is willing to get close enough to us to bring out the demons that live in the closest of our hearts to eradicate them, then you have a great friend indeed.

I had a great friend in Mr. Beautiful Crazy.  But thats all he was... a friend.

Do I still believe in Twin Flame Union?  

I have asked this a couple of times over the past few months within this blog and my answer is still yes.   I believe we are moving into a new reality where love is concerned and the idea that energy makes up people and situations lead to the understanding that the energy you seek can be embodied by several different people and experiences along the way.   Mr.  was an intense version of Merlin and my next romantic encounter will be even more intense then Mr.  

I really believe my mind is moving away from that One perfect lover or soul mate and it is moving into a more free flowing place of.... what my soul needs to evolve is what will be delivered to me.  The old paradigms are no longer working for me.  I can see into the astral realm more and it is not as magical as it once was and is becoming a second reality to the one you are experiencing here.  And even in that reality there is pain and limitations.

That is where I am going now.   Moving my awareness to the bigger picture of this world and my space within it.  Accepting the experiences I call forth for the things I wish to evolve within myself.   And a new passion for discovering the astral realm once I get my feet planted firmly in this realm.

 If you dont dream you are disconnected from self.   finding what that disconnection is and removing it from your life is the first step to moving with me into this new realm of living!  

In two worlds.  In two minds.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

The Prophecies


The next seven years of her life were lived from a place of Merlins Prophecies.

Within the six months they were friends they never consummated there love for each other.  He was her first real male friend and she loved him above all others because of it.  His words became gold between her ears and her thoughts began to formulate with that being the base equation for every one of her experiences relating to men and healing.

It was a great seven year ride!

In her blissful time with her celestial beloved there were probably hundreds and hundreds of things he said to her that stuck in her mind like a popcorn colonel sticks in your teeth.  Annoying remembrances of suggestions placed in your brain like spider babies just waiting to be birthed.   Merlin was a master of this with his degree in psychology.

He warned her once that her emotional ups and downs were going to be too much for her children to handle.  And true to his words her son did end up deciding to move back with his father after she got all her children back.  Except her oldest one whom choose to live on her own after the split up of their little family.  He said this before she had even imagined getting her kids back.  This was the beginning of his suggestions creating a life she didn't even know she was about to create for herself.

As the friendship began its downward spiral the reason the Dragon hurt him so began to seep into his words of wisdom.  Admitting to himself slowly that she was not going to choose him for her awakening after all.  That she was going to choose to suffer a bit longer in her pain over standing up for herself and making a choice for her soul instead of the acceptable choice of staying with a good man in a proper relationship.  He knew in his heart that she was not yet ready for him or any love.

He was right, She could not receive with a heart so shattered by her own hand.   It might take her decades to open to love again.

She would be ready when The Dragon Showed up within her life.

In a fit of anger which became pretty normal between them in the last few weeks Merlin screamed two things in her direction to manifest when the timing was right.  The first one was.."I can see you now in the back of a white pick up truck."   Malice dripping off his voice as he said this one from a tone of disgust and pity.   And shortly after much calmer but still frustrated with her choice of path, "One day Kitty, I will have to come rescue you from your own actions."

Both of these comments made in reference to Her promiscuous behaviors.  Those actions that get her out of her head into her body at the expense of her dignity and self love.   Shortly after Merlin was deported from her country just days after these prophecies insulted her she did indeed find herself in the back of a pick up truck with a shady sort of guy and all she could think about was where she had gone wrong with Merlin.  Why did she choose the dragon?

Years later she would find out why and it would be then that she would put the last prophecy to rest.

 He was not her Knight in shining armor.  He never was.  He might have been the awakening but he was not the beginning, middle and end of it.  He was just one part.  She would learn that it was her that could change her story and that no man or otherwise had that much power over her.

However it took seven years and many attempts at that last prophecy to bring him back to her.......

Follow the White Rabbit to....


Merlins Magical Six Months


Life continued on in a haze of magical words and feelings over the next six months for Her and the man of her dreams.  Like being rescued from a life of monotony and mundane chores everything was new and exciting.

Every moment she had between fighting to keep her job going and moving away from her family was spent in the mystical energy of this angel sent to earth to usher her into an new energy, into a new era of her life.  She was fully absorbed by him.   And Thank God too because she would have never survived this time without him.

She learned how connected he was too his own spirit through his bible studies each day and his wise words of prophecy that seemed to manifest instantly within her life.  His power to create was second to none she had ever met before.  She had read all the mystical books about positivity and our own ability to create our realities through our thoughts and feelings.  She had been a practitioner of the Goddess for several years now, she was not an idle student in this art.   But he surely trumped her in the area of manifesting our desires into reality.

She was mystified by All of him.   His past and what he has done to overcome it. Losing a mother at such a young age and growing up in one of the roughest Ghetto's in the world.   His knowledge and the work he has put into himself and his travels around the world and the energy he has acquired from that.  All of it lit her life up in a way no other soul has been able to up until then.  He brought to her a new understanding.

That understanding was beyond what she had envisioned for her life up till now.  He opened up the possibilities that she too could overcome her upbringing and become something so much greater then the limitations placed on her at birth.  She drank in All his knowledge and quickly connected into his incredible energy for life.

It was a beautiful six months, among the pain of her separation from her husband and children and the process of losing her career.

The pain she was experiencing was so overwhelming it threatened to take her out of this world.  She questioned daily how she could have made a decision that felt so right and continued to feel right but hurt so damn much she could barely believe what is going on some days.  Her whole reality was crumbling to the ground and she cannot collect the pieces fast enough to put it back together, and truly she didn't want to.

Merlin offered her comfort in a time of need.  He showed her a way that was much better for her soul, for her own evolution.  He awoke in her something so much deeper then she had ever had the ability to do so herself.  She liked where he took her.  She would follow him for as long as the journey allowed her too.

In her appreciation she bought him a gift.    The magical energy he was gifting to her so that she could awaken, was due some sort of return from her.  She knew exactly where to go for the gift, a magical store within the worlds known largest mall on the planet.    She found what she was looking for quickly, but now the choice of style had her camped out on the floor in front of the glass case for hours, annoying the poor sales lady that just wanted her to make a choice already..

The glass cabinet held a variety of switch blades.  Everything from efficient and outdoorsy to magical and ornamental.   Hundreds of little knives called to her, several of them would have loved Merlins energy.  But which one of these little bad boys would Merlin Love.  That was the question that kept her bound to her spot for hours.   The choice seemed so important, she wanted him to know how much she loved him.

She was not a gift giver.  She hated the attachment people had to material objects.  buying this meant a great deal to her spirit as it knew this was something out of the ordinary for her.  She wanted to get the blade that held the most power for Her beloved, to somehow return the power he had given to her.

After the torment of narrowing it down to just two blades she finally choose the Dragon emblem over the spider on a hand crafted 9" Pearl Micheal Corleone Blade.  She was very pleased with her purchase and was beside herself with excitement to show her love.  Little did she know of the choice she had really made.

Rushing to his house on the other side of the city in her custom limited addition Sonata was an obstacle course of vehicles and blocked intersections.  Why when one is wanting to be somewhere quickly does it take so long to get there??  Finally arriving at her destination she entered into his booby trapped house.

He sure loved the art of war and protection.  Always full of traps for the unsuspecting intruder and for the girlfriend walking in and jumping claws to the roof because of a new tripwire placed just before the door entrance, a good laugh.

Settling him down after a fit of giggles she proudly gave him her deceleration of love.

"What is this?"  He asked with a bit of an acquiring smirk on his face. " Is this for me?"

Yes she answered with the encouragement to go ahead and open it.   She waited with baited breath and her heart in her throat of his acceptance of her wisely chosen gift.  As he unwrapped each layer in a seductive fashion of intrigue and anticipation,   he did nothing ordinary every movement he made was fraught with deliberate emotion and attendance in the moment.  She was fascinated by his process.

As the last layer of paper was removed, the recognition over what she gave him began to sink in.  His eyes wide with gratitude began to ever so slightly darken as a very large tear erupted from his left eyelid.     "Why did you choose the Dragon?"   He asked in a constricted voice.

She sat stunned.  How could he know She even had to choose.  How could he know that She sat for hours between the Spider and the Dragon?  Why was she feeling such pain off him, like she some how choose wrongly.  What was going on?  She didn't understand what was happening.   Should she have chosen the spider?  What did this mean to the spirit of prophecy standing before her.

"Merlin, how could you know I sat so long in choice?"

"I just know my Love, I just know"  he said so sadly she could barely stand it.  Her choice hurt him this she now knew.  She couldn't know why yet, but she surely knew this was the end for them. She could feel it in every fiber of her being she was the one directing to plot of her life and this was a statement of intent.  She was about to switch tracks.

 So short lived the affair was but the prophecies that were to come next kept him alive for her over the next seven years.

Follow the White Rabbit For More Of Him...

Friday, November 18, 2016

The Dog Lover

I went to him yesterday.....

My Lover.

I couldn't stand the pain.  I needed relief.   We just walked his dog.  It was heaven.

And Now today I can function.....

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

My own Actions Crushed My Heart

Sometimes we listen to other people instead of our own hearts.

Thats the case here.

In my insecurities around falling madly in love with Mr. Beautiful Crazy I allowed in toxic information.  I allowed in a fear vibration that tore my heart away from Mr.  This is what they speak about staying in your heart and out of fear.  The Bible says it every where, the white lighters say it repeatedly and now I finally understand it.

I allowed an energy into my relationship with Mr. that tore the beauty of what we were creating apart.  I allowed the thoughts an opinions of lesser then energies in to infect my mind.  My insecurities found a way to manifest themselves in a self help kinda way.

Not all programs out there are programs to help us along on our journey.  They help many many people find the next step in their evolutionary trecks but they may be something you have already learned and mastered in another form and going back to that is like taking a step back into illusion.  Where it is someone else's light.  Does that make sense?  

I did that in this relationship.  I took a step back into the illusion, back into my insecurities and into letting someone outside of myself dictate how to move forward.  And it was the wrong move.

I cant say I regret where I am, because I cant  I am flourishing in my pain.  I could have been flourishing in my love instead but I was just not fully ready to walk in that light yet.  Just like the last time I moved into that light and wasn't able to hold it.   Sometimes the pain in our souls is so strong that it hurts to be in the light, it's scary to see our shadows.   I wasn't as supported as I needed to be within the relationship and I didn't know how to ask for that.

We are never on the wrong path and we are never creating anything Evil.  There is no such energy in the world only in the minds of those that need that paradigm to function within their realities.  Truly the Age of Aquarius is full acceptance of ALL that is.   I fucked up.  I am embarrassed and ridiculously heartbroken because of my lack of mind mastery, but I am not off path.

Before the Epic Burn, I was to launch into my own healing practice and I am to land on lot 12 in a lakeside community with an Eco friendly home and loving open clients visiting often.  I am very much on path for that still as I have taken all of my pain and plastered it into my web presence.  The clients I am attracting now because of the burn are also people in pain.  This is okay for me as it opens another level I can reach into and pull people out of.  I accept and honor where I am at and am humbled that my own actions put me here.

I wish I could just call him and fix all of this but I know that cannot be.  The damage was way to deep this time and the pattern closed.  The only way this could ever move forward is on a romantic front because I can no longer lie about how I am feeling and in truth that is what I was doing.  To him and to myself.

I am sick with pain and heart break.  I am the Twin that needs to do some work on my self esteem and insecurities.  To fall in love is to look so deeply in a mirror that you can fall in and get lost.   I fell to far and I broke it.  


My heart is crushing.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

The Dream

Last night when the voting was going on I felt such a long need to be near Mr. Beautiful Crazy.

  Wondering who he was feeling the shift with, if he was wondering the same about me.

 I miss him like crazy but at the same time know without a doubt he was not good for me.  Not anymore anyways.  He was at one time, but we shifted and it no longer felt right.   So its not that I longed for him back, I just worry about him still and do Love him ridiculously.

He came to me in my sleep.

 I am welling up with tears now.

 He just came and slept beside me was all.   I felt so much Love, but tons of pain as well.  I was at least the small spoon this time, but not close to me.  In my sleep within my sleep I gravitated into him and allowed myself to sink deep within.

It was heaven.  The peace I have when I am near that man is second to none.  He brings a calm over me that without him I struggle terribly.  It was what I needed after my energy picked up the Trump energy.  I was in relief for even a few second within the astral realm...  I needed that.

Then I heard him.   'Don't Do this'.

So loud in my ears but his lips didn't move.   'Don't Do this'  echo'd within my soul like a gong rang on a silent winters night.   The words brought so much pain.  Pain of separation, rejection and boundary crossing.  Pain of unworthiness and not loved enough.   It was so overwhelming i didn't move a muscle.

In the silence, i couldn't even breath, i waited for him to move, push me away, remove me from the situation...   He started kissing my collar bone instead.   My sigh of relief was not passionate or sexy it was one of desperation and relief.  i was embarrassed and pulled it in quickly in exchange for passion.

I woke up not shortly after that, three kisses into the majic and it was over.  Left feeling a mixture of you asshole narcissistic addiction leave me alone, and thank you Mr. for coming and making sure I was okay.

I am lost in the confusion of the world right now and the confusion of my own heart.  Like that popular song says......  I love him, I hate him.  

It's dark lonely times all around for people right now.  It is in our darkness's that we rise up and claim our lights.  This is for sure my time to shine in my own life..... its the only way for me to move forward.  The ONLY way.

I miss you Mr. Beautiful Crazy.
So Much.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Nasty Fork In the Road

Well Some times we end up taking turns we never seen coming.

That is the direction of this blog and my direction with Mr. Beautiful Crazy.  Never seen it coming until it was already too late and I ended up on a deserted road, a dead end.  For now anyways.

Time to move my focus into a new area and get creating because if I keep in this love vibration I will end up creating something Terrible for both me and him.  I want to believe in my heart that one day things will come back together for us, but in the meantime I need to stay in my heart and not fall victim to pain and suffering.

I am also going to take the Magdalene course again this winter.  I will need a place to process that.  So between my own healing and my own creations this blog should still just pop along!