Saturday, October 29, 2016

Awakening Shocks!

It is so odd the turn of events that happen in ones life and the power behind our own projections.

I have been giving some thought lately to what we project on to others and what others project on to us.  Have you ever said something to someone that wasn't really your style or energy of words to say.  A statement or a response to a question that you felt were not your true beliefs but they flowed effortlessly from your mouth anyways?

That is what living someone else's projections feel like.  We say or do something that is out of character for ourselves in the presence of someone who has a stronger energy force then us or who has a karmic lesson that needs to be played out and you were the person that agreed to play it out with them.

I have come to realize that I have been super imposing my desire for love and affection on a person who is enlightened on the same level as me.  It is hard for me to find love sometimes.   I am a highly sensitive person that can see things in people that most people do not care to know and yet my inability to hold that in to myself causes some huge issues with my fiends.  The reason I have such few people close to me.

I loved that Mr. Crazy beautiful could stay close to me.   That love however caused me to over look and create some seriously blaring red flags in our relationship.

This whole blog is a manifestation of that desire but apparently as I found out last night, not the truth of what was actually occurring in reality.

You see I would project so strongly my desires to be with him that he would say words or statements that he never felt comfortable saying but would in the presence of me.  He would act in ways that were uncomfortable for him in real time but camping or holidays he would allow to occur because they were out of context to his day to day life.  These were all my projections super imposed over his desires.

I am stronger energetically.

I always choose men weaker then me and then feel so shocked when I come to realize I have manipulated them in some form.  I really believed this guy was different.  I went out of my way to not control the friendship to allow it to develop on its own time in its own way.  I didn't understand how my energy was still leading his and he was getting so much out of it that he was okay to just follow suit.

I did study a bit about gas-lighting and how much of this was my work and how much does he need to assume responsibility for.  Cause true to my broken girl nature I do take responsibility for everyone part in the drama's we play together.  I am learning that not all of this is my creation that we co-create with the people around us.

Mr. Crazy Beautiful is an entrepreneur and an opportunist and will jump on a gravy train when he see's one.  I am a source of unlimited energy as I have learned to tap this.  Which is not entirely true because I have been drained out twice by this guy.   You would have thought I learned my lessons then.

So once and for all Mr. Beautiful Crazy is out of my life and I am not sure now what that means for this blog.   I am not sure I really believe in twin flames anymore.  I was taught there are actually 144 manifestations of your twin.  Which brings that concept so high in the clouds that really it grounds it back into this reality as the concept of..... everyone plays a part in your drama.

So many my beliefs will just move into a place of enjoying this life and stop looking so deep for answers that are truly unnecessary to my Play on earth.

I knew that that big red screen and the hack job on this site last week was a message from someone looking out for me.   Mr. Crazy Beautiful was Hacking my soul.   Terrible feeling that one.  But the beauty of who I am.... I can just shut that shit off and move on.   People that say I have a letting go problem are sorely mistaken..... for that I am a master at!

So until next time happy days my friends!!

Follow The White Rabbit.....

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

To Give and Receive Love

Falling in love is not an easy path.   I am not sure why everyone wants to travel this.

I am sure the rewards are fantastic and even just the addictive feeling of happiness it brings are incredible.   ........ Ahhh,  But really I have struggled with addiction in the past and that part of the reward system of love feels kinda uncomfortable for me as well.

For me the Love part is the part that I can give to someone else from inside myself that makes me feel so great.   I love raising my children and loving them in a way that promotes strong healthy confident beings.   I enjoy having pets to feed and care for and give my time too.  Falling in love with another adult human has proven to be much more challenging however.

Maybe the human I chose has love receiving problems?  I know I sure do struggle with this myself.   I have come to learn giving love to oneself is paramount to even being able to enter into a real love relationship with another person.  It took me many many years to learn how to cultivate my own love.

Self love means taking care of one self and all their responsibilities in this life.  It means nurturing ones self and then giving that love we have bubbling up inside ourselves to another deserving human.    And I am doing all this...... so why is it so challenging for me?

I feel like he rejects my love on occasion.   Not all the time or I would not be in this situation with him.  I have dated many men that I knew without a doubt in the very beginning that they were emotionally unavailable and not ready to give or receive love.  Those men I dont spend time with.  This man, My Mr. Beautiful Crazy, he is someone who has absorbed my love like a sponge.

It was so much absorption that at one point in our recent past I had to put the breaks on because he was draining me and not returning as much of the love back.  Although he was giving me what I could handle at that time.  I didn't know then that when I felt like I was being used what was really happening was I was closed off to receiving.

Am I still closed off to receiving?    There is a very large part within me that feels like no body would want what I have to give.  Like my love is tainted or something and to give it to someone would infect them.

And truly the manifestation of that belief has trickled into this very website.   I have been hacked and a phisher or Malware has been attached to this page.  When I came to view my blog a couple days ago it was nothing but a red screen blocking my progress.  It is still that way today.  Writing here might be a bad idea for my old as the hills computer.

I do think I have a block to receiving love.  I can cultivate Love within myself because I read the books, took the advice and learned how to take care of myself.  I have a tremendous amount of love within me to give.  I just dont know how to keep the cycle of love going with another human being.  A cycle that I am learning through this relationship that is imperative to the growth of love within me.

As long as I reject the give and take of love, I will continue to manifest that through my Twin.  I have noticed how much of my wants, desires and past life experiences I have manifested into my Twins physical life and on his side it has been the same as well.  I am certain he too struggles with the give and take of love as well and this is as much his manifestation as it is mine.

I dont really even know how to conclude this topic or what to say further at this point.  My heart is sad today.   I feel blocked, yet oddly made aware of some other things about myself that I never knew.  Maybe this is just a pause in my life and this site to regroup and bring things back into a quiet balance.

Follow The White Rabbit....

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Coming Clean In Love

I love him so much.

It has been the longest, toughest, easiest, most enjoyable journey these past few years with my Mr. Beautiful Crazy.  

When he told me years ago that my crazy was beautiful I told my psychologist that I was seeing at the time of his statement.   The look in her eyes is what sealed the deal for me.  He was the man of my dreams.   She looked at me with a mixture of happiness and envy.  She was the same age as me and was beautiful, we felt very akin to each other.  I knew then that I had found something great in Mr. Beautiful Crazy.

It's been almost four years since him and I met and truly it feels like only a year.   Probably because we have moved at a turtles pace with a several months of runner mentality on both of our parts.   It really is true that twins run from each other.   For us it has happened several times, much more on my side then on his.

I think the reason runners run is because they cannot believe that this could be real or true so they get out before they find out that the their belief is the truth.  But then every time they settle down their twin seems to be there again.  That was the case with me anyways.  Every time I friends offed my Twin he was always there at the end of my little emotional fit.  He held no judgement and we just moved on.

This is why today I love him so much.  He allowed me to be and to go through what I needed to in order to clear the energetic binds holding me back.  And not that they are all cleared yet, but now I am learning to deal with them within the friendship.

I say friendship with a bit of venom on my tongue.   Four years seems so fast because we are still in the friendzone and not because we are actually just friends because in full truth we are not.  However Mr. needs to take it that slow because I am still struggling with sleeping with every man that throws some affection my way.   Hence the Lovers thread of this blog.

I am coming down and finally into my healthy authentic self, but it has taken a very long time and many scraped up knees to get here.   Very broken little girl I was.  Regardless of what all the teachers and healers out there say, and I can say this because I too am a healer, your past needs to be worked through before you can move forward and for most people no amount of counselling, hypnotherapy, pain, or lessons will clear your past until you are truly ready to let go.  I found I only became truly ready when placed in my path was the perfect man and in order to be with him I needed to come to him clean.

He still hasn't kissed me.

We have had 'sex' yes, but we have not really made love because he cannot reside there with me yet.... why?  Cause I cannot settle into that place.  I do not know that place, I have never experienced it.   This is why its four years and still a friendship because it has taken me that long and still going for me to come to a place of allowing myself to let go of the past that has held me so tightly bound that it has been killing all my creations and my chance at any sort of happiness.

I am starting to let go now because my love for him is getting stronger then my pain.   My love is growing and it is squeezing out the darkness.   It is only through real love, not the mind trick white lighters with their affirmations present to you, but real true love that sets you free.

I am learning it is not the love of my Mr. that is setting me free, its my desire to love him even more then what I have currently to give that is setting me free.   You would think it was the love for my children that would have brought me to this place.  Truly they have brought me very very far along that path of self love but it is this incredibly beautiful man that is bringing me the distance I truly want to go.

It is in that love that I find the confidence to face my demons and speak the truth of who I am and what I want in this life.   I want to be a great mother, which I know I am already.  I want to fall madly in love with a man and live out a story book life with them, which is on the agenda.  And I want to become a wonderful speaker/healer that leads women like myself out of the darkness and into the light, which again is already in play.

With the awakening my twin is bringing to me, I am starting to believe I can supersede all of these things because where before I had the knowledge, now I have the feelings.

Today I am so grateful and.... I am in LOVE.

Follow the White Rabbit....

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Absence makes the heart grow fonder!!

I went on a fast from my Lover at the beginning of the month.   It is 18 days in and I have decided I can no longer be separated energetically from him anymore.   However in that three weeks we were both very mindful of our energies connected and unconnected to each other, we both learned a tremendous amount about boundaries and keeping our own energy clear.

The connection between twin flames is crazy.

 I can feel so much of what is going on for him even the stuff that he would rather me not know and it is those true real feelings of his that hurt me so deeply sometimes.  I have a few insecurities around romantic relationships, I cant hold him responsible for my feelings in this, but him blocking me from those feelings of his that invoke the lesser feelings in me, is a good practice to get into.   Two empaths falling in love, it's almost a prerequisite if you are to go anywhere together.

Now that he has had time to look into his own energy he too has come to some pretty great realizations over how my energy effects him as well.

I think it is very easy for twin flames to get so wrapped up in their combined energy that they risk losing the real purpose behind the union in the first place.   And that is not to get lost in each other but to empower the other to move forward at a more exhilarated rate on ones own life path.   Now I am certain my life path is becoming Mr. Beautiful Crazy's path.   We are walking in the same direction and want the same things out of life, so naturally we are creating a shared vision.  but where the getting lost comes into play is when we both want to sit and fantasize and revel in the glory of what we could create instead of moving forward and applying the 'work' to make it happen.

That is why I needed to cut energetic ties for the month.  I needed to get my energy levels back up and ground into my personal purpose and feelings for myself.  I was losing them in light of how great Mr. Beautiful Crazy felt to me.  And he was losing the same pieces of himself on his side.

Now that I have been in my own energy for three weeks I feel like I am missing him to much to deny.  At first the feelings were pretty obsessive in nature.  As a drug addict mentality base for me that is a pretty scary feeling to think he is nothing more then an obsession for me.   So that first week was refreshing to be free from that energy it was also very saddening to think that was all he was too me, an addiction.  

The second week brought about this deep deep deep desire to be near him.  Not so much sexually, but to be close to him.  I fantasized marrying him and loved the fantasy so much.   I have obviously dreamed of my great big wedding that I never had with my husband but I usually cut those dreams off quickly as its not really my true desire to walk that path.  However the more I allowed myself to go into the vision with Mr.  the more in love and happy I felt.  So that whole week I allowed my fantasies to run wild.

And they were truly great.  I was truly happy in them.    I could create that with him if that was the path he wanted to explore.   I have never been willing to go there since leaving my Ex.    I can feel the growth within me.

So this week I have allowed the universe..... My higher power to just guide me where I need to be.

I dont feel like him and I are two halves of a whole, but I do feel with him in my life I get so much more accomplished.  That is of course when I hold my boundaries and when I keep my energy clear and free of toxins that I see now actually hurt both of us and through this experiment he too has come to understand energy on a new level and how he must keep his side of the street clean as well if we are to move forward on our combined mission together.

Twins must ground and stay authentic to themselves.

Twins must stay present with the patterns and the old beliefs that come up to the surface of the relationship.  These patterns must be cleared in order for the path to continue to wind along side each other.  When I go into seclusion (as this was not the first time I have cut energy with him)it is because my path is winding away from his or vice versa.  Seclusion is my connection to my god to get guidance whether that separate path is a better one or both of us, or not.

It takes strength to be able to walk away from a loved one if you know that they are going to better for it.   I can only gather that strength if I know for certain what direction to take, and I can only find that certainty by grounding into myself and my own destiny separate from my twins.

I know now where I need to go and what needs to happen in order to achieve my dreams... and I am certain it is along side of one of the most beautiful men I have ever had the lucky chance of meeting and falling in love with.

Follow The White Rabbit...

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Energy Sharing Trap

Getting trapped in each others energy.

This is a conversation I had with a friend this morning.   When we get into an intimate relationship with someone,  if we connect on an energetic level we can get trapped in each others energy fields.

I have come to understand through my womb clearing and Yoni healing journey I have been on this year, just how much energy our bodies take on from a partner who connects into us physically.   For men this is normally just kept to a physical nature even though they too pick up the emotional residue of their partner.  For a woman however we can easily become energetically bound to that partner and thus him to us if we are strong enough to slay his spirit.  Most of us do this without even knowing that is what we are doing.

I am on a 31 day fast from Mr. Beautiful Crazy.

I needed to break the energetic connection him and I share.   I am one of those women that have slain his spirit and he doesn't even know it.   And if he does know it and is okay with it, I am not.

You see when people share energy, they share everything in their collective consciousness.  That means you can begin to create each others dreams, or nightmares if thats where the combined energy is at,  Thankfully our energy is with the creating stage.... however what we are creating I am not sure if it is at my liking.

Cutting cords with each other and communications and astral ties has proven to be very effective even within these first four days.   It's hard not having his physical presence to rely on for a dumping ground for my feelings to be numbed back into blissful sedation by the man I love deeply.  It's hard coming to these hard truths that his words say he wants to be just friends but my actions keep taking us further into things.  Its hard knowing his energy loves my energy but his physical body does not love mine.

These are only truths that I can see once I step away from the addiction.

There is a fine line between obsession and Love.  There is a fine line between having your energy tied to another for profit or pain.   These are such subtle influences that one rarely notices the shifting point at all.   I remember an experience I shared with a friend once who just found out the love of her heart had slept with another woman.  Her deeply heart wrenching sobs after a few moments shifted to a cry of desperation and growing void of feeling.  She shut herself down mid cry and from that point on the relationship became one of creating each others nightmares.

We share each others energies when we become intimate with each other.  We lock into each other on a deeper connection when we open up to each other.  And even deeper still when we become entirely vulnerable to another we meld with that energy and make it our own.

The Energy that Crazy and I share is one of friendship.  He wants it to stay at a friendship and my energy is and always has been much further then that, or better said on an entirely different track then that.  He has been willing to give up the friendship several time to hold his place in the friendzone and has tolerated and even went along with all my fantasies of us becoming more.   It's time I let that go now.

I have no desire to let his friendship go but I shall put up boundaries and move him back into the place he chooses to be and that is just friends.  I must accept this.  I must let go of his energy and let him move into the life he desires for himself and I must move into the life I wish for myself.   I need to not re-attach his energy after it has been severed.

This is going to probably be one of the hardest things for me to do in my adult years.   Letting go of the last of my addictive patterns and obsessive natures.   Good bye to chaining a man..... Hello to inviting one in instead.

Follow the White Rabbit....