I come from a pretty messed up emotional back ground. My mother is completely shut down emotionally, I think the label for that is a Sociopath. Growing up so disconnected from my own feelings due to childhood stuff I find connecting with people terribly hard.
Its not that I don't have feelings, cause I surely do, I would label myself an Empath or a Highly sensitive person... I feel not only my stuff but everyone's stuff as well. Until the times comes to let my heart get close to someone.... then I shut down.
Now I am sure that is fairly normal of someone who has been hurt. I can see it in many people around me. They shut off their real emotions when they get involved with someone, be it a close friend or a lover, or they become hyper active in those feelings and overwhelm the other person and thus shut down the others feelings.
This is all stuff I am learning and am not sure that I fully understand yet. I dont know what happens in me but I do know that I cannot force feelings and some feelings are so stupid ridiculous with the wrong people.
I had a date last night.
And not with Mr. Beautiful Crazy.
Its a new Lover on the scene. I met him a couple months back when I was manic and running away from my feelings for Mr. Beautiful. We had a really great night and then that was it, he went off fishing and I settled back into my uncomfortable feelings for a man who still holds me at arms length.
Until this week, the week of my 42 birthday. Happy birthday to me... Sept 11. Terrible day to have been born on but what can you do, I was there first. So this week He started messaging me because he was back in town and he wanted to see me right away. This Lover also has A Miss. Beautiful Crazy in his life. She is his best friend and he is not attracted to her..... Like my Mr. has stated with me in the past.
Its all so confusing to my little brain. I am trying to just learn how to open up to love and I have hooked into three Aquarius men.... terrible company to feel solid in a relationship. These men are very in the moment and will say and do anything in that moment, but once the moment passes so do their feelings. Leaving you wondering what you did wrong. Well to this Virgo Lover anyways.
But with three of these men in my life I cannot deny the universe is trying to teach me something. I have tried many times to pull away from My Mr. And my one Aquarius lover is from high school, 30 years of booty calls with that guy. No denying I am to learn something deep from these men. Just what that is I am not sure at this point.
Last night when I was with my ridiculously tall ginger who I am gonna name Pan, all I could think of was My Mr. How when Mr. Beautiful Crazy touches me, my whole body lights up no matter where and what is going on. But Pan working me over was doing nothing for me. Yet I dreamt all night of Pan and meeting his family and how great a couple we made and how much he loved me and I him. I have never dreamt of a guy in that way that soon before. The whole interaction with Pan has been God driven and I cannot doubt he is meant to be in my life in some way.
But he makes me miss My Mr. and love my Mr. even more.
Which in turn makes me sad. And yet strangely attractive. Mr. Beautiful feels like a small part of him has stepped up his game with me, but the other part of me struggles real hard to stay in reality and to see what is actually occurring and not what i want to see occurring. Learning to be in the moment Like my Aquarian lovers are teaching me is the hardest thing for this girl to do. All i see is the future in every step i take. That is a terrible place to be.
So as my 42 birthday dawns at midnight tonight I think i will set the intent that this year is a year of the current moment and nothing more and nothing less. Fully immersed in the moment without thoughts of yesterday, tomorrow, other lovers, other anythings.... just this moment and how this moment is serving me. We always hear those stories about people that almost lose their lives in a split second and how they came back to teach life is valuable and we waste far too much of it caught up in the could be's and what were's that we lose sight of the what is now.
And right now I am drinking me coffee and about to crawl into my bed for a cat nap before heading off to the job site for the afternoon. Thank you for listening to my ramblings today. One day i will have my thoughts and feelings worked out..... one day.