Staying present with all your feelings and all the belief systems and the bottom of the barrel patterns that come up to be cleared, during the courtship falling in love phase of a relationship is one of the toughest things to achieve for me.
I want to friends off, I want to fight, lash out, act out and all manners of hurt him in my confusion and pain as I travel down this path of falling in love. I have scrapped my knees so many times I am not sure there is any more skin left on them.
Back in the spring I participated in this intense healing course, during which time Mr. Beautiful
Crazy made a comment about taking our relationship to the next level. I was so excited about this that I went out and slept with someone else.
Yup. thats correct. I was so excited I went and fucked another guy. Gave away all the emotional goods I was storing up for Mr. Beautiful to some random little hottie. Why, oh why would I do such a thing?
Cause I lack emotional self control. Emotional intelligence and sexual control are these arch nemesis of mine and they are sent here to destroy any chance at happiness I am destined to have.
It's now months and months and months later. Mr. Beautiful still loves me but has me at arms length and is still very angry at me even if he wont say it out loud. So in retaliation I have fucked even more men.
Hmmmmm.... doesn't seem like the right path does it?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Staying present with all the patterns from my past has been one hell of a journey with this guy. No other man would have stayed my friend through out this. No other man would have been strong enough to endure the insults I have flung at him. No other man would have ever loved me enough.
But how much is enough? At what point will he decide I am too broken and too sick for him to continue to walk forward with? At what point will he just say fuck it and disappear from my life? Or will it be a torturous arms length race instead? A life time of punishment and torture, like a carrot of greatness always hanging just out of the balance of my reach?
It's time I cut the boy toys out of my life. Its time I re balance myself and let go of these patterns of shame and guilt. Its time I let the dead leaves of my families self pity of me go. It's just plain and simply time to let go.
It is autumn now. What was started in spring is now being reaped and rewarded to me. I worked hard this summer and I am tired. It is time to FALL into love and let go of the dead leaves. It is just time.
Follow White Rabbit....