Thursday, September 29, 2016

Cease and Withdraw

Give up the need to know where the relationship is going.

That is a piece of advice that Christian Carter in his, Catch him and Keep him online book states.   Its a piece of advice that I have been seriously not adhering to before hearing it.  I have nagged, pushed, manipulated and out right ultimatum Mr. Beautiful Crazy.

My escapades with all the other lovers I now see where my way to hurt him and draw him out at the same time.  It worked but as Christian says it will only work for a short time and not without resentment.  I see that clearly now.

I dont know how to fix the damage I have done.   I dont know how to change my behavior or how to stop needing to have some security within this friendship.  I am still wanting to pick fights and push him away.  And i dont know why.

My mind cries that it wants a partner but my heart seems to run away from that very same idea.  I am in conflict with my own self.  I dont know how to fix that.  I dont know how to be in my heart and to let my mind settle there.... or how to pull my heart into what my mind wants.

They say trust your heart, but I am not sure that is accurate at all.   My heart is ridiculously scared.  Its my mind and the logic that see's reason and understands my life will be so much better with a partner in my life.  And this particular partner as well.

However maybe it is yet again just a mind thing I am creating and truly my heart is not here because it knows it does not belong here with him.

I guess the more I write and the more I spin around this idea the deeper my hole will go and the harder it will be for me to get out of.   My higher power knows where I am to go in my life and I trust that my higher power will lead me there and through the people she needs to in order for my growth to occur.

I let go once again the outcome of this particular relationship.  If it is meant to be then it will be what it needs to be.  I will walk through what it is I need to walk through and will rise up to the occasions my higher power sets up for me.   I know this to be my truth because it has proven itself to me over and over again.

So I give up the need to know where this relationship is going and I give up any of my rights to manipulating it to fit the security my ego needs.  My higher power knows how I feel and will lead me accordingly.

.....And if after four years I am still in the friend zone it might be high time to realize that this is the only place I will ever be.  ..... And that maybe it is indeed my own heart that will never be any further along then friends.

Follow The White Rabbit...

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Fall In Love and Let Go of the Dead Leaves

Staying present with all your feelings and all the belief systems and the bottom of the barrel patterns that come up to be cleared, during the courtship falling in love phase of a relationship is one of the toughest things to achieve for me.

I want to friends off, I want to fight, lash out, act out and all manners of hurt him in my confusion and pain as I travel down this path of falling in love.  I have scrapped my knees so many times I am not sure there is any more skin left on them.

Back in the spring I participated in this intense healing course, during which time Mr. Beautiful
Crazy made a comment about taking our relationship to the next level.  I was so excited about this that I went out and slept with someone else.


Yup.  thats correct.  I was so excited I went and fucked another guy.  Gave away all the emotional goods I was storing up for Mr. Beautiful to some random little hottie.   Why, oh why would I do such a thing?

Cause I lack emotional self control.   Emotional intelligence and sexual control are these arch nemesis of mine and they are sent here to destroy any chance at happiness I am destined to have.

It's now months and months and months later.  Mr.  Beautiful still loves me but has me at arms length and is still very angry at me even if he wont say it out loud.   So in retaliation I have fucked even more men.

Hmmmmm.... doesn't seem like the right path does it?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Staying present with all the patterns from my past has been one hell of a journey with this guy.  No other man would have stayed my friend through out this.  No other man would have been strong enough to endure the insults I have flung at him.  No other man would have ever loved me enough.

But how much is enough?  At what point will he decide I am too broken and too sick for him to continue to walk forward with?  At what point will he just say fuck it and disappear from my life?   Or will it be a torturous arms length race instead?  A life time of punishment and torture, like a  carrot of greatness always hanging just out of the balance of my reach?

It's time I cut the boy toys out of my life.  Its time I re balance myself and let go of these patterns of shame and guilt.  Its time I let the dead leaves of my families self pity of me go.   It's just plain and simply time to let go.

It is autumn now.  What was started in spring is now being reaped and rewarded to me.  I worked hard this summer and I am tired.  It is time to FALL into love and let go of the dead leaves.  It is just time.

Follow White Rabbit....

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Journey Into Sehkmet

I am 42 today!

Every Year on my birthday I ask for the guidance of a Goddess.  An energy that I will walk with that year.   This year That Lovely Goddess will be Sehkmet!

I have walked with her before.  Seven some years ago, and for a couple of years.  However I dont think I really integrated her teachings at that time, so when she showed up this morning as my patron Goddess for this year I was a bit surprised albeit happy, as I do Love this Goddess dearly.

Nine years ago I walked into a tattoo shop and asked for a print on the back of my neck.  I didn't know what it was I was going to get I just knew I wanted something.  I looked through the artists portfolio and I came across the Eye of Horus and that was it, I was sold and within an hour I walked out of that shop a marked woman.

I didn't know it at the time, but it was actually Sehkmet that marked me.  She claimed me then and this entire journey has been one for her.   This feels like the year that I rise up into what I had set out to achieve all that time ago.  It took a full nine year cycle to gain all the personality traits necessary for me to step into the power of who I am.   

It took all this time for me to settle into and relax within my own sovereign power.  It took all this time to disconnect from the sickness of men, to drain the life force of that shadowy serpent within me that kept me bound to chains of illusion.

I am in a 2 year for numerology.... it is the year my voice gets heard.    I am ready to Be Strong, I am ready to put my training into action.  I am ready to go to battle!!  It is time for this Kitty to turn into a Lioness!

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Happy 42 From Pan

I come from a pretty messed up emotional back ground.  My mother is completely shut down emotionally, I think the label for that is a Sociopath.  Growing up so disconnected from my own feelings due to childhood stuff I find connecting with people terribly hard.

Its not that I don't have feelings, cause I surely do, I would label myself an Empath or a Highly sensitive person... I feel not only my stuff but everyone's stuff as well.  Until the times comes to let my heart get close to someone.... then I shut down.

Now I am sure that is fairly normal of someone who has been hurt.  I can see it in many people around me.  They shut off their real emotions when they get involved with someone, be it a close friend or a lover, or they become hyper active in those feelings and overwhelm the other person and thus shut down the others feelings.

This is all stuff I am learning and am not sure that I fully understand yet.  I dont know what happens in me but I do know that I cannot force feelings and some feelings are so stupid ridiculous with the wrong people.

I had a date last night.

And not with Mr. Beautiful Crazy.

Its a new Lover on the scene.  I met him a couple months back when I was manic and running away from my feelings for Mr. Beautiful.  We had a really great night and then that was it,  he went off fishing and I settled back into my uncomfortable feelings for a man who still holds me at arms length.

Until this week, the week of my 42 birthday.  Happy birthday to me... Sept 11.  Terrible day to have been born on but what can you do, I was there first.    So this week He started messaging me because he was back in town and he wanted to see me right away.   This Lover also has A Miss. Beautiful Crazy in his life.   She is his best friend and he is not attracted to her..... Like my Mr. has stated with me in the past.

Its all so confusing to my little brain.   I am trying to just learn how to open up to love and I have hooked into three Aquarius men.... terrible company to feel solid in a relationship.   These men are very in the moment and will say and do anything in that moment, but once the moment passes so do their feelings.  Leaving you wondering what you did wrong.  Well to this Virgo Lover anyways.

But with three of these men in my life I cannot deny the universe is trying to teach me something.  I have tried many times to pull away from My Mr.  And my one Aquarius lover is from high school, 30 years of booty calls with that guy.  No denying I am to learn something deep from these men.  Just what that is I am not sure at this point.

Last night when I was with my ridiculously tall ginger who I am gonna name Pan, all I could think of was My Mr.   How when Mr. Beautiful Crazy touches me, my whole body lights up no matter where and what is going on.  But Pan working me over was doing nothing for me.  Yet I dreamt all night of Pan and meeting his family and how great a couple we made and how much he loved me and I him.  I have never dreamt of a guy in that way that soon before.   The whole interaction with Pan has been God driven and I cannot doubt he is meant to be in my life in some way.

But he makes me miss My Mr. and love my Mr. even more.

Which in turn makes me sad.  And yet strangely attractive.  Mr.  Beautiful feels like a small part of him has stepped up his game with me, but the other part of me struggles real hard to stay in reality and to see what is actually occurring and not what i want to see occurring.  Learning to be in the moment Like my Aquarian lovers are teaching me is the hardest thing for this girl to do.   All i see is the future in every step i take.  That is a terrible place to be.

So as my 42 birthday dawns at midnight tonight I think i will set the intent that this year is a year of the current moment and nothing more and nothing less.  Fully immersed in the moment without thoughts of yesterday, tomorrow, other lovers, other anythings.... just this moment and how this moment is serving me.  We always hear those stories about people that almost lose their lives in a split second and how they came back to teach life is valuable and we waste far too much of it caught up in the could be's and what were's that we lose sight of the what is now.  

And right now I am drinking me coffee and about to crawl into my bed for a cat nap before heading off to the job site for the afternoon.   Thank you for listening to my ramblings today.  One day i will have my thoughts and feelings worked out..... one day.