I am coming to you live from Mr Beautiful Crazy's.
His laptop is as old as the hills and reminds me of when I first started blogging and was using an old Toshiba and it would always overheat half way through my posts. The days I was poor. My boyfriend is just getting on his feet..... he is poor for right now.
So what is so important to write about that it couldn't wait until I get home tonight?
What is the natural flow of a relationship? What is the natural rhythm of an individual person and how do you connect two personal rhythms together? Is this the chemistry they speak of in the lovers corner?
I am learning that I know very little about the process of letting someone into my personal inner world. I know very little about Romance and Love. I know even very little about being a good connected friend. I have been so disconnected for myself for so long that I see now what I thought I had for connections with friends were nothing more the surface hugs.
I called Mr Beautiful Crazy my boyfriend because I need to start trying out that word. That concept is something I desperately want from him but its something that feels like it is a bit out of reach for both of us. And I am not really certain I understand why.
I am coming from two paths of thought on this contemplation. One is that from this path here of Twin Flames and all I have read about them and how the process plays out. The other direction I come from is that of dating Guru Cristian Carter. Man I love that guy and all he writes about attraction and the do's and donts of titillating an mans hormones.
I am not sure really which one is worse, but I know that my relationship as a Virgo woman hooking up with an Aquarius man, its definitely not following any outlines written anywhere.
Not having a good parameter to contain my thoughts to is wreaking some havoc, not on my friendship because Mr. is really laid back in allowing me my uncomfortable awkward comments and emotions, but on my own mind and heart.
You see me and my twin are for sure life partners. I know this without a shadow of a doubt, and its this knowing that keeps me tied into him. Our whole lives have paralleled each other. This is not because we have bent the truth of who we are to fit a diagram of how we are suppose to look as a Twin Flame couple. No it rolled out more like mild jolts of shock as we got to know each other and continue to do so, to find out we were in the same spots the same times in life, right down to physical locations. Its those things that make me realize we have always walked hand in hand energetically since birth and that time has proven already that we will continue to do so until death now.
So does that mean we will fall madly in love and all will be till death do us part?
I thought it would when I stumbled onto this realization a year ago. But it has not went down like that. I shouldn't say that marriage isn't on the table for us. But I do know today we are still in the friend zone, but wildly in love with each other and growing daily. We are in the healer/healed category a lot as we are both wholistic healers. We often fall into teacher/student zones for many of our rants and lectures. We could almost pass for brother and sister in our comfort levels energetically and our deep understanding of where we both came from.... which is deeper then just the physical realm here. So we are easily all these things to each... but Lovers.
This is why I sought out Cristian Carter the Love Doctor. Bringing our relationship out of the spiritual realm of Twin Flames into the real world of broken hearts and twisted words I need some help.
Mr. Beautiful claims to not be attracted to me. I understand this to be a simple truth on a few levels for a couple different reasons. The first one and the biggest one......, is we are rarely attracted to what is gonna change us.
That would be why throughout the course of our friendship we have both struggled with this chemistry between us. The rhythm of who he is and where he has been at during our friendship was not conducive of a romantic relationship. When we met he needed a friend to pull him out of his own self created hell. I could do that for him as I had been there and could recognize him and what he needed.
After he came out of that place we had some amazing Connections, Chemistry and perfectly matched Rhythm. It was a Tantric union that elevated my world.
However that moment in time seems so brief and long ago I wonder if it was a figment of my imagination. This might be where the Flame Guru's speak about staying present through all of this Twin Flame union process and not run away. I have tried to run, but in truth I never get far and now I am really done running cause in truth I just dont have the energy to fight whats happening between us.... even if it is extremely uncomfortable at times and other times down right painful.
So as I am writing I was going to continue on with the advice of the love doctor, but I am not sure that is a wise energy play for me. I think feeling sexy and understanding how a mans mind works is important and a fun study but to feel like tis me that Mr. doesn't want is ludicrous. ..........And that is where my mind is this morning as I come to you from his new scarcely furnished apartment.
We are life partners we both agree on this. For today that must be enough for me. because both him and I need to focus on our lives and getting stable before we can be anything more to each other. He is though however.... my boyfriend. Why? Cause I have always wanted one and that needs to be a part of my reality right now. To define that....... its personal to me and it hurts no one to feel that.
So thank you for listening to my full circle plea for boy girl pairing advice..... this old mind of mine definitely has a way of getting lost in the forest of the dark heart. I am in wild love today, with a man that is beyond the scope of my understanding walking into a future that is entirely uncertain for both of us.....
and that is the way it is suppose to be....
Follow the White Rabbit......