Saturday, April 30, 2016

If he loves your Crazy, He is a Keeper.

It's been a few eventful weeks.  

My creativity has been transferred to working the land and creating amazing landscapes for people to enjoy for years to come.  Which means this arena of my life has been moving at mach speeds as well but I have lacked the time to get here to record all my progressions and processions. 

I AM years beyond my time I'm starting to understand.  

My concepts written here are not well received by the general public.  Maybe because many people are still asleep or maybe because I have worked my little ass off in self care and actualization's that I do truly have an advanced understanding of relationships and how to function in the world we call Earth.

I have decided to stop writing for you and just write for me.  

I am no longer engaged in a Twin flame outcome.   With the recent developments in my life I have been forced to let my hands go of the wheel and let my spirit drive this twin flame soul train.   

I am putting my energy into making my first million dollars within the next five years.  So twin flame concepts and writing will come solely from my spiritual connections..... which in truth not much will change within these writings then accept my theatrical drama's that my ego likes to inflict to get her own attention and capture the attention of the troglodytes.

So what has developed you ask?  

Of course after you shake the annoyance of the insults I just threw at you.   There is some drama for you after all...

My prince Charming rode up very fast on his ancient steed and true to his character tried to sweep me off my feet.  First with getting me a deal of a lifetime for an amazing, fully loaded, completely custom off roading Jeep that not only creates hours of fun for my soul it also elevates my position in life.  So the guy won me over with hello.  Then a weekend of wining me and dining me and making multiple attempts to bring me to orgasm.... everything was picture perfect.

Great attempt, Prince Charming .... but no go. 

 It was empty.  Pretty package with nothing inside.  All show, not a grower.  Not deep,  to broken to break through the ten foot walls. I am too connected to myself and my Gods to let someone surface get a taste of what I have to offer.  Not interested in the challenge.

So Good bye Prince Charming.

Twin flame and Twin soul are still battling for my attentions.  Well let me correct that actually.  My ego wants the battle so therefor the powerful Bitch that she is creates that dynamic but in truth its not really there.  

Twin flames are like Hancocks..... to much power to stay within each others physical presence.

Maybe one physical meeting is enough to ignite the passion and the path and that is all it is meant to be.   Because after months of intensive emails and repeated contact on my part, I get very feeble responses in the like.   Always with deep love for me and always kind and open to my reach.... but nothing earth moving for me.....

So good Bye Merlin.  Maybe for now, Maybe for always.

Where as Twin Soul is still rocking my world.

Learning to look past the sexual, romantic connection of the love I feel is my deep lesson at this time. Until just recently I truly could not let the relationship just flow its own river and course.  I needed to fit it into a box of marriage and that was the only place I could see it residing.  Oh.... But today I can see him and I more as business, life partners.   I love him so deeply it moves me to tears when I think about it.  I have tried to push him out of my life so many times its actually embarrassing.... 

In truth,   I would rather have him in my life in whatever way he needs to show up, then not have him in it at all.

You see a twin's whole purpose is to elevate you to status's you never dreamed possible for yourself.   The cake created with your combined ingredients is a cake second to none you have ever had the pleasure of tasting before now.   Some twins cannot sustain that energy because they are not ready to be lifted that high.... some people only need mere minutes to be lifted to where they need to be....  

I need the rest of my life with this man to go where I am going.   He needs the rest of his life with me to go where he is going.   Together him and I are like steel on steel..... separate we are good, but not great.

If I go the rest of my life not knowing romantic traditional love just to be near this man for the rest of mine..... 

I am finally okay with that.   

So from here forth this blog will be the writing of My life with.......  Mr.  Beautiful Crazy.

Follow The White Rabbit....


Thursday, April 14, 2016

The Choice Continues....

I am not sure if it is the Mars retrograde or the letting go of what I thought was to be a grande love that is bringing my heart into a space of grieving today.

So much is happening in the field of twin flame love and connections.  I can barely keep up with it myself.   I see now that I have created the infamous threesome of the story book fairy tale loves.

Between my twin soul, Mr. beautiful Crazy and My prince Charming riding up on his ancient steed.

I have recently removed as much as I could about Ancient Steed from my blog because he upset me greatly this past few weeks, but I see only today that it wasn't upset that motivated me, it was fear of who he was going to become in my story and I cant see how he fits in to it yet.

You see my twin Flame, Merlin, is becoming nothing more then the man who ignited me to the idea that there was something so much greater out there then what I was settling for in the land of romance and love.  I have held on to him for so long that I have created a fantasy that is not sustainable in this reality.  .............. Could I recreate it if I wanted to?   You betchya I could, but I know from experience when I force the universe into a path, it never works out in my favor.  And that is what I have been doing with this blog... trying to draw out my Flame.

So one:  It is time for me to let go of Merlin.   As much as he will always be in the picture and truly I have no idea what the future holds, he must leave my heart and consciousness for this moment in time.  This must happen if I am to clear the way for something to occur in this very moment.  Merlin is not in my moment.  He is a past story and a future dream,  but not a present moment love affair.

Two:  I must also clear my Twin Soul, Mr. Beautiful crazy as well.   This is where the true grieving is coming into play and the grande cosmic threesome of the Little Red Riding Hood Story.   I must make a choice if I am too embrace my present moment.  

I recently made a choice and I thought it had stuck but in truth I went through the motions but did not actually declare what I wanted because I did not know and to be frank... I still do not know.

I love Mr.Beautiful Crazy beyond any male I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.  Yet he still holds firm to the notion we are nothing more the best friends, cosmic brothers and sisters if you will. This tears me up inside because I could easily spend the rest of my life with him, and I could enjoy showering all my love, all over him.  And in truth that is what he has been accepting from me ....but not giving back.  

And there in lies my grief.  Even with my Soul I am still compromising myself.

Yet, with My prince Charming who has rode up on his ancient steed I am not compromised.  At all.

I have known this man for a few years now and he has patiently waited for me to be ready to receive him.  As I force myself into a box to receive the Twin Flame and Soul, I am shown how easy it is to flow with Prince Charming.   He buys me flowers and my daughter chocolates.... He serenades me with songs of my heart... he is patient with my crazy but strong in his convictions.  He is brave and takes care of me well.

This is the choice I now have to make.  It is no longer between my Flame and Soul.... it is about moving out of my spiritual play and into the real game of life here on Earth.  

This is about making it real.  

Letting go of the notions and the stories we tell ourselves to help us feel special in love.  Letting go of the labels and concepts that help us define romance so we know we are on the right track.  Letting go of the outcome so that we can be free to flow with what is presented in the moment to us.

I must let go of both my Flame and my Soul, in order to receive an earth angel to connect me to my life purpose here in this moment.   It feels weird to write that it goes against everything I know and believe in, but it feels right.   I look at successful people in this world and they all see to have one thing in common.... they play the game of LIFE.... not the game of angels and demons.

The game of Angels and demons is for the people who cant handle the truths of this world.   I feel I am moving from one category to the other.

So in learning this about my path and purpose I am grieving my fantasy.  I know it will only be a short grieving process as the game of life can be so much more grande then the game of illusion.  I am truly ready to let my Prince Charming sweep me off my feet and carry me into this world full of challenges and great rewards!

 For my prince is truly sexy as hell!!

Follow the White Rabbit....


Wednesday, April 13, 2016

The moon biggest but dark
The sun brightest but eclipsed
My heart flooding but damned
No where for the energy to go 
Save staying within
What demons shall you find
In the center of your wound? 
The darkness that took me last night
Forced me into a babies pose
I surrender.   Let it fade to black
Until the sun comes back
And the moon grows big
Then the tides will turn
And the dams will be undone
Then love shall flood forth
And fill all who have hearts to feel it. 

Monday, April 11, 2016


Every muscle, stretched
Every cell, dull
Every thought, fading
This life takes
what I don't have
In transition
moving out of broken
entirely shattered
All I have left
is feeling
I feel the pain
of our ancestors
I feel the pain
of our mothers
Broken women
Broken world.


Saturday, April 9, 2016

Shadows Meet

Lone Black Wolf

runs in the night

seeking solitude

away from the pack

away from the rules

Lilith once adored

by her beloved

is cast to the side

her strength feared

vengeance spews

In the shade

In the deep darkness

they find each other


The Exiled Wolf

The Exiled Slut

And in the darkness is where they will Fade to Black...
Good Bye Merlin.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Ramblings of a Confused Twin

There are more times then not that I am completely amazed at how my own story takes dips and turns that I never realized it would take.  That is yet again the case here.

Some of my posts are very creative and cryptic, flowery and theatrical.  Other posts are very serious and full of letting go and healing old wounds.  And yet other writings are more explanations to myself at what has occurred, reflections for me to chew on.   That is the case with this writing.

Another wolf tried to take a nice chunk out of me recently.  

In the beginning when a sexual healing has occurred the wolves are very obvious and not at all graceful in their attacks.  Desperately wanting the scent you are putting out, of a new born flower blooming and ready for the taking.  But as you survive these wolves and your fruit ripens the wolves get smarter, sneakier and much more graceful.

The knight riding up on the ancient Steed, whom I have since removed all traces of in this story was indeed a wolf and not a knight.  It was the wolf in sweet sweet grandma's clothes.   Unfortunate, but not damaged by his sharp teeth, thankfully.

As I round the ending of the 10 week healing course I have been on, I find I am closing off the last of the stitches to my childhood wounds as well as all the wounds I inflicted upon others as an adult in pain.   Threading the last stitch brings me great awareness of the work I have put into myself and the rewards that are manifesting at lightening speeds.

I am now moving into a career field that I had been running from for several years.  Landscaping.  I love getting my hands dirty and being outdoors and working with nature.  I used to believe I was a healer, and in truth I still am and will end my life as such, but for today I need to move away from the pain of my wounds and into something creative and constructive for my soul.   That indeed is owning my own landscaping business and thriving in the financial arena.

I am moving into playing the game of life, where up until now I have been hiding myself in the shadows.  Fear of exposure.  Fear of being able to fend off the wolves myself.  I always believed I needed a man to hide my feminine nature in order to thrive in this world.  I see today how ill informed that thought structure was, how detrimental to my growth it was.

It is only when we can bring the masculine nature into ourselves and marry it with the feminine aspects of who we are as women can we then step into our full power and invite our Twin flame to us. 

 Those out there that believe they cannot sustain the energy of the twin flame union only see it as such today because they are not at maturity yet.  When one becomes full of light from their own healing wounds then they know the work and have the humility to step into a twin flame union.

This is where I am entering into now.

My twin soul has been a pivotal part in creating the arena for which I can heal myself.  It is very hard some days not to get stuck in my twin soul and stay safely nestled into the thoughts that this is my comfort and security and there is no more work.  And he is very readily available to facilitate the part of that projection that serves him power and energy.   I sometimes go back and forth whether he is indeed my twin flame and the man I call Merlin did nothing more the ignite me to the concept and thus prepare me for when I was ready to heal.  Or if indeed the twin soul is the one that does prepare you for your twin flame.

Let me define for you what the difference between a twin soul and a twin flame is for me.  I really truly hate labels but it is the only way my mind can function.   

Mr.  Beautiful crazy is my twin Soul.  He is six months older then I and we have had parallel lives.  We were married the same amount of years, had the same amount of kids.  We went to college for the same reasons very close to each other at the exact same time(both born in entirely different places). We lived only a block from each other at very pivotal periods in our lives.  We both have ex's that got our names tattoo'd on their body, we both even had the same type of dogs that we both equally despised.   The similarities in our lives are too many to ignore the greater magic of, nor do I even want to.   This is how I know he is my twin soul.  Like my brother here on earth.  He has no romantic feelings for me, I on the other hand have some tremendous ones for him.   Makes for some terrible heartache for me

Now my twin flame whom I call Merlin, changed the fabric of my existence seven years ago.   The minute him and I connected the magic of my life grew beyond my understanding.  I was having visions and knowing things that I never knew and able to bend time and reality seemed to shift into another realm entirely.   The spiritual acceleration was very very intense for me and he felt the same way and still to this day in our conversations we speak of the incredible magic.   It was him that illicit-ted the separation dream I posted at the very beginning of this blog and it is him that ignited the twin flame concept search for me all those years ago before it was becoming a mainstream thing.

So the question I now struggle with.... did my twin soul come along to mature me for my twin flame?  Or did my twin flame come along to ignite me to attract my twin soul and my twin soul is now the one not ready?

Follow The White Rabbit....


Monday, April 4, 2016

I Wait.......

I See You in the Faces Around Me

The Lover who Inhales Me Deeply
The Friend That Teaches Me to Drive
The Son Who Wants My Comfort
All of These but Substitutes
Placebos to Facilitate My Healing
Time Spenders Till Reality Shifts
Until the Wind Direction Changes 
And You Catch My Scent Again
Stronger.  Vulnerable.  Opening
Like a Spring Flower
Pushing through the Soil
Broken Open, Burst of Life
The Flower Will Bloom,
Then the Scent Will be Alluring
To The Loving Lone Wolf in You.
Bide My Time I Will
Until I am Ready for Your Fullness
Until I am Ready for My Fullness

Follow the Rabbit....

More of Him....