I really truly cannot describe where I am at in my life, my body, my emotions or even my mind. So much is developing and happening I can barely keep up with all of the internal changes and all the awareness's dawning within me.
Chop Wood, Carry Water........ ENLIGHTENMENT........ Chop Wood, Carry water.
That is the truth of how our lives circle and evolve. Well that has been my experience anyways. I have been on many healing journey's through out my life. I had to be. My alabaster jar was shattered at a very young age. It has taken my life up until now and probably several years to come yet, to piece it back together. That is a lot to heal and many many many awakenings from that shut down turned off state of existence.
I am often revered by mystics when they meet me. They can see a clearer picture of me and they can see how many times I have worked very hard Chopping Wood in order to prepare for my next level up. It has not, I repeat it has NOT been an easy journey of enlightenment and I can fully understand why people only go so far then get to tired to continue to Carry Water.
I am not to tired. The work is actually the part I enjoy of the process. The work gives me focus and a physical outlet to release the shame and pain that comes from those small windows in time when you can see very clearly into your own soul, into your own light and into the deepest crevices of your own pain body. It is those times that are the toughest for me to process through.
Seeing your own pain and having the courage to go in and touch it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have been able to peel back tiny delicate thin layers of the onion, but this time, this process of enlightenment has brought me into the heart of my wound. Not only was able to face it and look at it, I was held there for two days to really feel it.
It was like I became a corpse in my living body for that entire time. The pain was so overwhelming at moments I wished for death and it was like death answered and made me empty of everything including life within me. Dead in my soul as I had to force myself to be from a very young age and right up into my developing teens. That is a very long time to be a walking dead.
During the past few days to be in that place brought me back into not only my darkest days as a child but my darkest days as an adult. Consequences to my un-opening. Results of choosing to stay the walking dead. I have moved away from my self inflicted abuse as an adult, or have slowly weaned away from that caustic form of living, yet still very close to that way of life I can now see.
It is through these phases of enlightenment that we wake up a little bit more.
To ascend is to gracefully and peacefully walk up the stairway to heaven. One step at a time. To jump from third dimension reality up into a fifth dimension heaven on earth would probably mean a physical destruction to the core of the human body.
In the midst of my darkness the light began to flood in.
There were moments that the flooding of love was too overwhelming for me. My lack of worth still has some holds barred to me. I know my enlightenment is not over because I could feel the places in me that still need to be released but I did not have the strength to let them go this time. And that is okay. I have had enough experiences with enlightenment now to know without doubt that there will be another wave coming around when I have carried enough water to work out the trauma's that this awakening has brought up for me.
I am not sure if I am fully done this awakening at this time or if there will be more to come. I might have to put on the spiritual brakes if I get slammed with more awakenings at this point. Normally the new understandings bring a sense of yuck to your mind as you see your part in the harm you have created. Even if there is a huge freedom in that and even when those awareness Do come with a spiritual gift and blessing or two. It is still very hard to go back into the darkness and not get trapped there if you dig too deep. There is a balance you must have before going into it.... Chop wood.
With gifts of the spirit as well as new knowledge for the soul, there comes a greater level of responsibility.
There is much more wood to chop afterwards and the water gets further away. As you level up and your gifts get more majestic in size, the work equals. Of course the work levels up as well and the joy to do the work increases, but there is a seductive threat to hide and cower in the garden from the greatness you are becoming.
That is where I am at today. All my old crutches no longer hold any joy for me, save one (the lover). But even though I have no more desire for them I still find great comfort in them, in the acquiring of them, in the process they created within me to release pain. Now that I no longer have the pain there is no need of them.... yet the habitual routine of them is deeply embedded into my mind.
Alas!! This is where my hypnotherapy training comes into play..... this is when the subconscious will let go... because it no longer needs this pattern to keep you safe. And the pattern is actually about to flip and work against you and create a prescription for your life that is not necessary to the light path you are on.
Chop Wood, Carry Water............. Enlightenment......... Chop Wood, Carry Water.
Time to carry my pain crutches to the water and dump them. This is the work I must focus on now to fully move into my new energy and vibration.
So much work, so many layers to peel.... in order to come to my beloved clean and ready to create beyond anything this world has experienced up until now. I am on my way though... I am trudging the happy road of my destiny and soon I will be in his arms again, and this time we will maintain the energy. This time we will connect fully.