Monday, March 14, 2016

Angel of Small Death

My heart feels like it is crushing under the weight of my own small sorrow.   I think when one has reached the pits of emotional hell every time thereafter, even once that original wound is healed, the same pain comes strolling back in times of sadness.

I just watched my lover walk away in real time and the writing and pictures I post here to release and create is nothing even close the the pain brewing in my heart.

Letting go of a connection, of a way of life that has served you so well is a tremendously hard task to achieve.  It makes it so hard when there is still pleasure and benefit to be had out of that way of living.

The lover was the last vice I had.  The final chain attached to the ball of misery nestled beneath my rib cage.

It is hard to let the angel of small death take something that is precious to you.  I could have let go of this when the lover was a douche bag.  I could have let go of this when the lover extremely ill fit for me.  But I didn't let go then.... No, I let go now when the lover was a fully heart connected, sweet sweet man blooming into his full glory... Fuck.  I like to make it hard on myself

Creating drama to release my trauma.  True to my style even right into the closing and healing of the wound.

The hardest part of leaving behind something you love in light of something even greater is understanding that what you loved before is not actually a real love but a smoke screen, a buffer, a limitation to the truth of who you really are.   Well obviously this truth is not accurate for all people, I was a broken person that fell in love with things that keep me broken.  I fall in love with things I can break.

I am just not that person anymore.

So I have let angel of small death in the back door of my soul and asked to be cleared of all the ways that I love,  that no longer serve who I am.   And as much as her breath is sweet and she is beautiful too admire she rips into my heart and squeezes all the toxic liquid out that has infected my self worth.

The shamanic death of ones old way of life has never been so inclusive for me before.  I have peeled the onion and taken many smalls steps away from who I was in my adult years, addictions and such.  However I have never experienced something as full as this shedding before.  This is a death that has been building for a couple weeks now and just last night I was walked through an energetic releasing and know without a doubt that this part will take a few more days to clear.

I am in some serious emotional pain these days.   Thank the Goddess for this blog or I might not have made it through.

Shifting gears and moving my focus on to what I do want is going to be the key here now.  Coming up with all the great points of what can come into my life now that I am not being held back by my demons of lust is where the focus needs to be shifted.

Except..... I do not know what that looks like.   I don't know how to recognize what a life without that as my base motivating factor would even consist of.   How is it I am so smart and am often questioned for my wisdom yet something as simple as sex has created a crater in my life that has entirely consumed me.  I honestly don't even know what to expect once I crawl out of the grips of the craters tentacles.

I guess this is where I trust that the grass is greener on the other side of the tracks.  But my feelings are definitely not a match to that trust.  Good thing I know from experience that my life takes dips and turns and that feelings do not dictate what is going to happen, my actions do.  Correcting ones actions has an immediate impact on the life one is living.

Awareness is the Key.

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