Thursday, March 31, 2016

His Respectful Dwelling Within Me

In the game of life
sometimes you swim
sometimes you float
sometimes you need determination
sometimes allowing for grace
Holding on at moments
letting go at others

There is no set formula
Only the God/dess within
Will know the proper course of action
Stop listening to the Archons
for they throw mud in your eye
and steer you into mainstream traffic

Let go and let the God within you
lead the way.  Take what feels right
and leave the rest of the advice 
to those who wish to suffer.

No longer are you one of those
on the wide road my love
You already are God
Know this and you shall never suffer again.

To focus in on what I truly desire
It is time to go after what I Truly want
I AM ready.


Follow the Rabbit

More of Him.....


Thursday, March 17, 2016

The Sacrifice of Choice

What happens when the 'Choice'  becomes the sacrifice?

In every adventure or uplevelling in ones life there is something that needs to be let go of.  This is a concept we can all agree upon fairly effortlessly these days.  If you want to work you have to give up the benefits of not working in light of the benefits of working.... a pretty common sense, right? I have had to give up the lover in pursuit of something more sustainable with Mr. Right.  Again makes sense, right?

But what happens when you give over the wheel in your brand new Jeep Wrangler to Spirit?  What can you expect when you let something so much greater then the body and mind your embodying take control of your life?

I am always amazed when I let go entirely of the outcome of my life.  When I stop making goals and plans and when I stop stressing about where my next source of joy will be coming from.   When I give the wheel over to my higher power, my God who resides with in me as Me, miraculous things happen ............. and well sometimes some very sad things develop as well.   

Thats the case with this writing.

One never knows how the story is going to develop when your not the one dictating it, but just observing it.   I write here from that perspective.  I understand fully my power to create.  I do much of that creating through these writings.  Half of what I write occurs before the shift in my life and the other half I am racing here at the speed of light to record the latest development that I sooo did not see coming and am in turmoil about.

The latter is how I come to you today...

In turmoil over the sacrifice.

This blog is about my Twin flame.  In complete truth, my dearest readers and followers which I want to send out a huge thank you too,   ... the readership of this blog has exploded in the past month and it is due to the concept of Twin Flames.  The blog is my love story with Merlin.  My writings are letters to him.  

In the process of coming to him.  I have had the very wonderful pleasure of partnering up with my Twin Soul.  I will post another day the difference in my life between a twin soul and a twin flame but for today its the partner that comes to help groom you for your Twin Flame.   My twin soul has been pivotal in raising my vibrations up to a place I needed to be in order to create what needed to be brought into my reality before I could even think about partnering with my Flame.

The whole focus of this blog and therefor my life in the past month has been romantic and cosmic divine unconditional love.  I know through experience that when our focus is intense on a certain area of our lives two things happen.... on the unhealthy path the rest of our lives suffer, on the healthy path the rest of our lives have a chance to speed up without our notice and therefor nervousness.

Again the latter is the case with me today.  My business life just took a turn for the miraculous.  I wasn't even creating or putting focus into this area of my life.  It came and sought me out.  It knocked at MY door!   

What was once nothing more then a job to pay the bills, has just launched itself into an opportunity for me to not only establish myself as a very successful business owner but has afforded me the opportunity to travel the world after my daughter heads off to college.  Two birds have been taken out with this one stone that I didn't even know I was holding in my hand.

This is how my life works when I am humble and will go where my gut tells me too.  This is the rewards of doing the work on my limitations and keeping my side of the street clean.  This is how someone creates when they are connected to their own heart center.  I feel blessed and entirely humble.  

There is no arrogance in my personality right now, just a strong desire to share this glory with others so that they too can feel what I am feeling....

And let that flip happen now.

With great joy comes great sorrow.  I still live in the age of the Pisces fish where duality and Bi-polar is still a functioning paradigm in our collective conscious.  One day we will be able to feel just the great glory without the sorrow, but for today I am experiencing a shift in My Twin soul that brings me sadness.

My dear friend is caught in the messes of his past.  His hard drive, his will to create a business for himself  but being unable to achieve it because of his arrogance and lack of understanding of 'the work',   has manifested itself through me.  His dream was my unrealized dream.

I asked the question a couple of posts ago.  can you be a part of creating his dream without losing your own?   I thought my answer was a sound Yes, but apparently it was not.

It turns out his dream being my Twin soul was my dream all along.  I was just too afraid to step into it.  I see all the places spirit has opened the door and I walked right past.  I am entirely surrounded by people in this industry!  However, I seen myself as a healer because of what I have been through in life I have missed the opportunity every time.  In truth now I see that this career choice keeps me grounded into the earth and healthy.   And...because of what I have been through it will keep me sane.

The sacrifice I spoke of at the beginning of this is that of my Twin soul.   You are not meant to marry up with your Twin soul.  Your meant to meet and learn from each other but then you need to take what you learned and move on.  That is the sadness for which I am experiencing today.  

The Twin soul chapter is closing and I must turn the page.   Sometimes the page has so much emotion that one just wants to sit and get lost in the feelings.  Sometimes one can get stuck in anger at the author for removing the knight in shining armor that we had fallen in love with.  But if we dont turn the page we will never know what happens in the rest of the story.  We are only half way through.   So we turn the page anyways.

Follow the White Rabbit....


Monday, March 14, 2016

Angel of Small Death

My heart feels like it is crushing under the weight of my own small sorrow.   I think when one has reached the pits of emotional hell every time thereafter, even once that original wound is healed, the same pain comes strolling back in times of sadness.

I just watched my lover walk away in real time and the writing and pictures I post here to release and create is nothing even close the the pain brewing in my heart.

Letting go of a connection, of a way of life that has served you so well is a tremendously hard task to achieve.  It makes it so hard when there is still pleasure and benefit to be had out of that way of living.

The lover was the last vice I had.  The final chain attached to the ball of misery nestled beneath my rib cage.

It is hard to let the angel of small death take something that is precious to you.  I could have let go of this when the lover was a douche bag.  I could have let go of this when the lover extremely ill fit for me.  But I didn't let go then.... No, I let go now when the lover was a fully heart connected, sweet sweet man blooming into his full glory... Fuck.  I like to make it hard on myself

Creating drama to release my trauma.  True to my style even right into the closing and healing of the wound.

The hardest part of leaving behind something you love in light of something even greater is understanding that what you loved before is not actually a real love but a smoke screen, a buffer, a limitation to the truth of who you really are.   Well obviously this truth is not accurate for all people, I was a broken person that fell in love with things that keep me broken.  I fall in love with things I can break.

I am just not that person anymore.

So I have let angel of small death in the back door of my soul and asked to be cleared of all the ways that I love,  that no longer serve who I am.   And as much as her breath is sweet and she is beautiful too admire she rips into my heart and squeezes all the toxic liquid out that has infected my self worth.

The shamanic death of ones old way of life has never been so inclusive for me before.  I have peeled the onion and taken many smalls steps away from who I was in my adult years, addictions and such.  However I have never experienced something as full as this shedding before.  This is a death that has been building for a couple weeks now and just last night I was walked through an energetic releasing and know without a doubt that this part will take a few more days to clear.

I am in some serious emotional pain these days.   Thank the Goddess for this blog or I might not have made it through.

Shifting gears and moving my focus on to what I do want is going to be the key here now.  Coming up with all the great points of what can come into my life now that I am not being held back by my demons of lust is where the focus needs to be shifted.

Except..... I do not know what that looks like.   I don't know how to recognize what a life without that as my base motivating factor would even consist of.   How is it I am so smart and am often questioned for my wisdom yet something as simple as sex has created a crater in my life that has entirely consumed me.  I honestly don't even know what to expect once I crawl out of the grips of the craters tentacles.

I guess this is where I trust that the grass is greener on the other side of the tracks.  But my feelings are definitely not a match to that trust.  Good thing I know from experience that my life takes dips and turns and that feelings do not dictate what is going to happen, my actions do.  Correcting ones actions has an immediate impact on the life one is living.

Awareness is the Key.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Majestic Blessings and The Work

I really truly cannot describe where I am at in my life, my body, my emotions or even my mind.  So much is developing and happening I can barely keep up with all of the internal changes and all the awareness's dawning within me.

Chop Wood, Carry Water........ ENLIGHTENMENT........ Chop Wood, Carry water.

That is the truth of how our lives circle and evolve.  Well that has been my experience anyways.  I have been on many healing journey's through out my life.  I had to be.  My alabaster jar was shattered at a very young age. It has taken my life up until now and probably several years to come yet, to piece it back together.  That is a lot to heal and many many many awakenings from that shut down turned off state of existence.

I am often revered by mystics when they meet me.  They can see a clearer picture of me and they can see how many times I have worked very hard Chopping Wood in order to prepare for my next level up. It has not, I repeat it has NOT been an easy journey of enlightenment and I can fully understand why people only go so far then get to tired to continue to Carry Water.

I am not to tired.  The work is actually the part I enjoy of the process.  The work gives me focus and a physical outlet to release the shame and pain that comes from those small windows in time when you can see very clearly into your own soul, into your own light and into the deepest crevices of your own pain body.  It is those times that are the toughest for me to process through.

Seeing your own pain and having the courage to go in and touch it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I have been able to peel back tiny delicate thin layers of the onion, but this time, this process of enlightenment has brought me into the heart of my wound.  Not only was able to face it and look at it, I was held there for two days to really feel it.

It was like I became a corpse in my living body for that entire time. The pain was so overwhelming at moments I wished for death and it was like death answered and made me empty of everything including life within me.   Dead in my soul as I had to force myself to be from a very young age and  right up into my developing teens.  That is a very long time to be a walking dead.  

During the past few days to be in that place brought me back into not only my darkest days as a child but my darkest days as an adult.  Consequences to my un-opening.  Results of choosing to stay the walking dead.  I have moved away from my self inflicted abuse as an adult, or have slowly weaned away from that caustic form of living, yet still very close to that way of life I can now see.

It is through these phases of enlightenment that we wake up a little bit more.  

To ascend is to gracefully and peacefully walk up the stairway to heaven.  One step at a time.  To jump from third dimension reality up into a fifth dimension heaven on earth would probably mean a physical destruction to the core of the human body.   

In the midst of my darkness the light began to flood in.

There were moments that the flooding of love was too overwhelming for me.  My lack of worth still has some holds barred to me.   I know my enlightenment is not over because I could feel the places in me that still need to be released but I did not have the strength to let them go this time.  And that is okay.  I have had enough experiences with enlightenment now to know without doubt that there will be another wave coming around when I have carried enough water to work out the trauma's that this awakening has brought up for me.

I am not sure if I am fully done this awakening at this time or if there will be more to come.  I might have to put on the spiritual brakes if I get slammed with more awakenings at this point.  Normally the new understandings bring a sense of yuck to your mind as you see your part in the harm you have created.  Even if there is a huge freedom in that and even when those awareness Do come with a spiritual gift and blessing or two.  It is still very hard to go back into the darkness and not get trapped there if you dig too deep.  There is a balance you must have before going into it.... Chop wood.

With gifts of the spirit as well as new knowledge for the soul, there comes a greater level of responsibility.   

There is much more wood to chop afterwards and the water gets further away.   As you level up and your gifts get more majestic in size, the work equals.   Of course the work levels up as well and the joy to do the work increases, but there is a seductive threat to hide and cower in the garden from the greatness you are becoming.

That is where I am at today.   All my old crutches no longer hold any joy for me, save one (the lover).  But even though I have no more desire for them  I still find great comfort in them, in the acquiring of them, in the process they created within me to release pain.   Now that I no longer have the pain there is no need of them.... yet the habitual routine of them is deeply embedded into my mind.

Alas!!  This is where my hypnotherapy training comes into play..... this is when the subconscious will let go... because it no longer needs this pattern to keep you safe.  And the pattern is actually about to flip and work against you and create a prescription for your life that is not necessary to the light path you are on.

Chop Wood, Carry Water............. Enlightenment......... Chop Wood, Carry Water.

Time to carry my pain crutches to the water and dump them.  This is the work I must focus on now to fully move into my new energy and vibration.


So much work, so many layers to peel.... in order to come to my beloved clean and ready to create beyond anything this world has experienced up until now.   I am on my way though... I am trudging the happy road of my destiny and soon I will be in his arms again, and this time we will maintain the energy.  This time we will connect fully.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Good Bye, My Lover

Follow the Rabbit....

A last taste of Him......

The Choice

Can you engage his dream, but keep a hold of your own?

This is the question that was just brought to my attention.  

I tend to get lost in my needs of this world and lose sight of the desires of myself.   As I fully commit to the recent choice I have made I wonder if I will lose sight of why I made this choice?

I always find that after an enlightened state I move very quickly into manifesting and then become those manifestations.   It is always wonderful to enjoy the fruits of ones labor but to get drunk on them and lose sight of your goal is a terrible feeling.

I always seem to fall into that trap.  I must remember this time that this is a means to an end.  This is but just a step towards My Desire.  And although this desire feels pretty great, it is nothing more then a physical need being met.  When I can stay present and move through that need into the desire then what I achieve is far greater.

My Twin soul is moving into my physical life.   My goal is for healing, so that I can meet my Twin flame in all my glory.  In order to do this I must give my entire being to my twin soul and the process of healing through ecstasy.  I must succumb entirely to his desires for His Desires to be shed upon me.

It is the choice I have made recently.

I feel very happy and wonderful and full of life and glory about this decision!!  

I am reminded of a Kuan Yin Oracle I play with.  There is a line in one of the cards...   

"Chop wood, Carry water.  Enlightenment.  Chop wood, Carry Water."

The work is never done if you want to keep Rising.  I know where I want to go.  I know where I want to land in this Life.  I know some of the steps are ones that I wouldn't have seen coming, but it feels so good all the same.  I am so happy about this choice I have made and I am going to dive into it fully until I am no longer needed in this capacity.

I feel like this Mary Magdalene healing I am on is changing my life in ways I never knew possible.  Had I not stumbled on to this course I would still be giving ALL my power to my mother.  Instead I am wildly in love with her and all that she has gone through.  I still cannot be in her energy because she does not understand this is how I have changed.  But Respect her deeply I do.  So.......

I have let go of my Mother as the book said.
I have let go of my crutches as my twelve steps has said.
I have invited Mary Magdalene into my life as My mentor has said.

I am now ready to let HIM into my life.

Follow the White Rabbit....


The Seed of Truth Within the Confines of My Fantastical Mind...   


Let us get Back to the Story ...


Moving Out of the Fantasy, Into the Living Dream

When real life becomes greater then the fantasy

How do you let go of the Fantasy?

Follow The White Rabbit

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

The Rebirth

It Is Time, she whispers softly in my ear.

My beloved you must wake now, Bolder She speaks.

I feel her warmth all around me, inside of me, coaxing me to come back to this world, coaxing me out of my dreams.  

I am resistant.  I like my world of illusion.  I like my world in between.  I can be with Him in that world.  He holds me tightly and loves me deeply in the world in between the worlds.  He meets me and restores me in that world.  I can feel and taste his touches in that world.   I don't want to leave him.  Not yet.   I am not ready to leave the cloud it all began on.  I am not ready to come back to the world She is calling me back too.

She is so soft and open.  So warm and inviting.  Her womb embraces me, cradles me close to her heart.  I hear the beating and feel the vibrations within me.  A steady thumping.  Rhythmic in motion as she rouses me from my slumber.

It is time, my child.

I really don't want to go into the light.  I am not ready yet.  I need more time with Him.  It wasn't enough time.  I don't want to lose the connection this time.  I don't want to forget.

She gives me a little nudge from my resting place.  My eye's flutter open.  Burning from the days of darkness as I recovered from the Wolf bites, curled up under the protection of Her tree.

She stands before me, light of brilliance so bright.

She loves and nurtures me, with her whole being.

I feel a love I have not noticed before.  It is new within me.  Everything is new within me.  I look down and my robes are a brilliant red and I am wearing the jewels of  a Queen.  My scent is of expensive perfume.  I look up at her in wonder...

All things are made new within me.  She transmits this thought to me through her glorious eye's.

As I stand, she reaches down to pull me up into her.  Holding my shoulders she speaks words of incantation into me....

Your body is now a Temple.  Your Temple will house My Soul.  

Please my beloved child,

Nourish me with foods that strengthen my temple

Nourish me with joyful thoughts so that my temple will Sing

Nourish me with the love of others so that I might know my dreams in this world

Bring forth protection so that I may create from my vulnerability

Stay in Truth and Honesty so that my love is not compromised

Keep humble in your selfless work, give to keep receiving

Please my beloved child,

My soul cannot stay in a temple that is in abuse

But know that in times abuse can not be avoided

in those times of sickness, I will not be far from you

watching you with a loving heart, holding space 

within the rhythmic beats, waiting to come back home to you.

Now child come, enter into me and then... go forth and Create.

Her hands guided me as I stepped into this brilliant light that was now fully consuming me.  I was filled with a love so deep my knee's gave out and I began to float.

Into the heavens I entered, as my body began to stir in my bed.   A deep sigh escaped my lips, as I took an inhale of the stagnant air of my tiny bedroom, in my tiny apartment, in my cold northern city.

  My heart dropped into my stomach as I realized I had fucking lived.  Dammit!   Such a deep sadness crept over me until I looked up unto my alter and there She was.  Looking down upon me with her golden light...  There she was in my sadness.  There she was in my room.  There she was warming my heart.......

Mary Magdalene.   There she was.... Entering into me.

Follow the White Rabbit...

More of the Healing...


Monday, March 7, 2016

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Stage One: Clearing

Lilith comes to me in my broken slumber.    
She cradles my limp body in her strong arms.     
I feel her calm and loving nature embrace my hurt and pain.   With each deep breath she gently coaxes me to take, 
I feel her healing wash over me.     
I see years of her torment flash beneath my eyelids 
and as her life challenges distract me, 
she reaches deep into my soul 
and picks out a red broken piece of history 
that was embedded deep in my heart.        
Flicking that piece of pain off into the distance 
she returns to comforting me.         
I fall into a deep deep sleep safe within her bosom.

Follow the White Rabbit....

More of the Healing....


Thursday, March 3, 2016

As I Wait for Death to Come Gather Me....

I Dream of Him Still

I can Feel Him around Me

I Long so Deeply for Him

Happiness Floods my Soul

He is Closer then He lets on

This I am Certain I Know

I see His Shadow in the Shade

He is Waiting so Patiently

Waiting for Me.

Follow the White Rabbit....

More of Him:


Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Follow the White Rabbit...

More of Him:


Darkest Before The Dawn

I do not know if I will survive this wound.          It may require more then I have to give it to heal properly.     I am alone.  Alone.  Scared.  Cold.         The wolves may still be circling... I do not know.     I feel nothing but this searing pain and dull aches.   Everything is shaded dark grey.
I have not won.    Yet.    But my breath is strong.      I am not alive.    Yet.

I am reminded of words of prophecy from my great Merlin who started this Story seven years ago now.   "One day Kitty,  One day I am going to have to come save you from your consequences."   I knew even then what he meant by consequences.  You can only play the damaged Skunk for so long before it catches up to you and bites you hard in the left eye.

In Skunk medicine the ancient medicine woman believed that when a person is wanting to hook the opposite sex in a scent is given off.  It is how instant attraction works, two scents match in that moment.   A Bitch in heat has the entire neighborhood of dogs howling.

Merlin knew early on that my scent button was stuck on full open.  I was a full bitch in heat, every day, of every month, of every year since I was a small girl.

Years of sexual abuse damaged my switch.  I have spent my lifetime beating the odds of further damage to my musky scent.  Protecting myself from the damage already done And further damage. Shutting down all connections within me, my heart, my womb, my eye.... to protect people from my seductive ways.

It is getting harder and harder to keep my self preservation.   I can not stop myself from Loving him.

But, the minute I begin to open my heart all scent floods my senses and I am blinded by its sheer power flowing out of me.  I get stupid, I make terrible decisions, deadly decisions.  I get aggressive and manipulate the flow of the scent in desperation to protect him from my darkness.   I lose connections with my loved ones as they cannot stand my stink and fear my uncontrolled but normally very controlled nature.   At moments I am lowered to nothing more then a rabid animal, single focused.  To relieve the overwhelming desire to be ravaged.  To be sexed so deeply that I forget who I am and all the pain searing through my soul.

What starts as love turns to dirty lingering scent of skunk

I might be too damaged.

Some injuries never heal.  Some injuries were never set properly to heal.   Sometimes we have to work with what we have left and in this case that might be nothing.

Maybe this is my fading.....

Follow The White Rabbit...

More of Him....