Monday, February 29, 2016

It Is Time

The Wolves are Finally Here.

Lurking Under That Bush.

Eyes Yellow in the Shade.

Only Their Warm Breath

In The Nights Air gives Way

You Stand Rooted Deep into Her

As The Masculine Circles

The Scent of Your Feminine.

Ready for Battle

Both Sides Serve to Protect.

Follow the White Rabbit....

More of Him:


Sunday, February 28, 2016

Follow the White Rabbit....

More of Him:


The Mother Wound

I am reading this book about what God said about sex.  It has many references to the Bible and where God distinctly spoke about sex in it.  There is a part in this book that goes into great detail about the fact, and yes it seemed very matter of fact after I was done the chapter, that when one wishes to take a partner one must give up their mother.

It struck me as Odd when I read it out to Mr. Beautiful Crazy one lazy evening during his last visit.

He didn't find it odd however and has made mention of it several times since hearing about this great concept that was hidden within those Bible pages all these years.  Too my Twin being one of those people who was raised within the church this was a revelation.

The more he brings it up to contemplate the more angry I become at my own mother.  Why is it that every process or healing I embark on ends with my poor mother being the scape goat for all my negative emotions?  

Well I guess this time is probably the real deal and all the times before were the squealing sound escaping the balloon of resentments each time I pulled its lips back tight to let out some of the air.   This time there is really no air left in the balloon.   I have no more bitterness to spew over the joke that was my childhood.  But I do think there is truth to having to let go of that last mother wound in order to fully move into your Godlike self.

It is only through our Goddess selves that we can fully receive our Gods.

So I guess this is the parting post of me and my unfaithful mother.

How does one let go of a part of them that has been with them since before they were brought into this cold sterile world?   How does one let go of what feels like is the whole of them, as we are but the likeness of our parents are we not?

How do we shut out the first source of love we had???......  Oh wait scratch that one,  there was no love in the room when I was born, but by that one lovely nurse that would hug me tight and sing sweet melodies as I fell asleep in her arms.

 Still I am sure you understand the question I am trying to invoke here.

Your mother was your entire source of support for how many years?   To branch out physically is one thing.  To even branch out spiritually is another... but to branch away emotionally?   I dont' even understand the concept and in truth, I do not have a loving mother that this would require great pains to leave.  I cannot stand the very air my mother breathes and still to let go of her is nearing impossible.

Why is that?

I believe it is because it is all I know.  And even though there is no air left in my balloon it is still a piece of me that gave me comfort, in a sick squealer kind of way.   It is hard to let go of the past.  It is hard to let go of what has in the past defined us.

Ahhhhhh....... yes.......

And there it is folks, ..............awakening in the moment.....

It is hard to let go of what defines us!!  

I have stripped myself bare of all the things I have in the past defined myself by.   My career.  My Home.  My food comforts.  My support groups(for cleansing periods).   Now it looks like I am stripping away deeper labels and limitations.

I am not an abused girl anymore.  Yet when I am with my mom her and I both keep ourselves in that place and as I move away she gets weirder in that holding pattern.

I cannot continue to grow with a partner if I am still playing out my childhood drama's.  I cannot move forward because my mother refuses to move forward.... that is what I used to believe it was, but it is not.  I cannot move into Mr beautiful Crazies arms or Ancient Steeds embrace if I am still too deeply resonating on the level of victim by my Mothers hold.

I am sure not everyone experiences a shitty upbringing by their narcissistic sociopath mothers, but rightly so, one cannot continue to grow if they are still suckling off their mothers tit.   At some point the second umbilical cord needs to be cut away so that you can fly the nest with your new lover into your new life.

To merge with your Twin this is not an option.  You must move away from your parents.  You do not have an option if you want to reach full enlightened potential with Your twin self who is in full incarnation  with you this life.  It truly is that simple.

I feel very cold and calculating as I write this because it is such an extremely emotional and personal challenge I have cutting off my mother.  She has been feeding on my energy for four decades now.

To cut her off is to watch her freak out until she finds another power source.  In truth I believe she already has and it wont be a huge deal... but still my ego likes to think its all that and there will be a bit of kick back I am sure.

This is not the romantic type of post I normally like to share here, but there is a dark side of the moon and it would be ludicrous to think that every moment with your twin will be bliss and glory.  Healing and expansion is always a messy process and merging with your twin is no exception to that.


Okay... letting go of my Mother.

I release my Earth Mother from ALL my energy fields, in ALL times.  I cut the cords that are attached between our bodies and send loving white light down those tubes to ease the disconnection for her, sedating her until she is ready to heal those cuts.  With Love I ask Isis to carry my grief with her into the underworld for Osiris to transmute into New light.  And so mote it be.  Amen.

Follow the White Rabbit..

For more Divine Healing....


Friday, February 26, 2016

Bringing In The Divine Essence

Love is only fully unconditional when you bring your higher power into the twosome making it an angelic threesome.

I learned many years ago from my then mentor when I asked the question, How do I find a grand love to equal who I am and what I desire in life?   Her answer was.... you need to bring God into the relationship.

At the time of that advice I was not in a place to receive it.  I was in a place of immense resentments towards all things God.   So I continued on the path of meaningless sex and relationships that always ended up hurting me.

I was still wanting to be hurt.

Well today as I work through these old blocks and hang ups with my Twin flame, Mr. Beautiful Crazy, I am reminded once again of the divine aspect of the twin flame union.   I am starting to understand nothing can happen of a Divine nature without the assistance of the greater universal energy that we are all tapped into.

As a hypnotherapist I understand how our collective conscious as a large body of people affect us every day.   From societal programming, to the planetary influences on our body chemicals, the universal flow of energy is something we can either work with or against.  Today through experience I have chosen to work within the flow.

That is how one brings God into the relationship mix.

I have surrendered the outcome of all my relationships to God.  And by God, I will need to define what that means to me in future posts as I am still a bit unsure of how I want to honor this God that has so lovingly come into my life and awoken me to something so much greater then I could have ever imagined for myself.  So for this post it is just God.

As I let go of all control I find myself experiencing new and exciting things in the area of romantic love.  Last night as my lover brought me to an intense orgasm in my soul I questioned how this could be right if my true twin flame was sending me messages on my cell phone at the same moment.

I felt at ease about the situation.  Before my Sagittarius lover came to me I prayed that he only come in love and in his highest power.  I asked that I receive him as the God he is and as the substitute he is for my twin flame, who lives far from me and who is not ready to give himself to me in that way yet.
My twin and I are truly, in societies standard definitions, still in the friend zone.

My heart can love all three men that are pouring their affections into me today.  How is that possible?
I have spent forty years loveless.  I have spent the first half of my life crying over the fact, solid fact that my mother could not and would not even when she could, love me the way a mother should love a daughter.  I have played the victim and the bitch and recreated time and again relationships that drained me of all dignity and worthiness that I had left over from years of sexual and emotional abuse.

Today as I fully heal from the first half of my life,  I am arms wide open for all the love the universe can shower down upon me.  My lover wants nothing more then to please me sexually and therefor full fill his own needs.  Its is an exchange between adults that is serving a greater awakening in me each time we come together in that holy union.  

My twin flame is teaching me how to love unconditionally and how to surrender my feelings to my highest self and how to let people be who they need to be, not how I want them to be.  And well,  The man that is riding up on the Ancient Steed has a part to play in this story I am just not sure where he fits yet as he brings me a thrill of the chase which I have never had the pleasure of role playing before.

In all my connections the Divine is present. This I know to be truth because I am in my divine.  When I am in this place of total love there is no room for guilt and shame.  I have removed that dark shadow through study of our ancestors and our fairy tale stories told generation after generation to help us better understand who we are as a people and how to co create within this matrix for which we live.

In future posts I will bring my learning's here and share about the Great Lilith, Eve, Mary Magdalene and going back further to my patron Goddess... Isis.    When we understand our roots we can learn from their mistakes and create a new way of life.   That is how I am operating the most amazing life I have had yet, and that is why today my twin flame walks beside me in the physical and as the male counterpart to my female essence.

Only when we are ready to clear all karmic debt, will we manifest the most grandest life this still 3D world has to offer.  Only through these unions will our world move into a more 4D reality.   I invite you to shift with me and bring your essence into being.

Follow the White Rabbit

Sensual Exploration

He comes to me in the night.

Full of male essence

Full of desire for me.

His eye's probe into my soul

looking for permission

His tongue gently loves mine

My heart swells

My belly fires

Now I am ready.......

Follow the White rabbit....

More of him...


Saturday, February 20, 2016

A Scent to Call the Wolves

When a person meets their polar opposite, their twin flame connection, the 'one', I believe and is in my experience anyways, that they actually are turned off by that person in the start. the precise same moment they are inexplicably drawn to them as well.

That is the way it went down for me and Mr. Beautiful Crazy.  There was no forcing, no pushing to make it happen, no bending reality.... it's actually moving along at its own pace regardless of what either one of us thinks or feels about each other or the relationship.  And trust me there are times we both dont want it to continue but chugging along at a slow steam engine pace it has.

So why now am I questioning its validity and moving away from it and into the arms of a man I had no idea would come blasting out of my past on his Ancient White Steed to swoop me up into his arms and tell me he has waited long enough for me.

Did I have a man out there in the world that has been waiting for me to realize him, as I have been waiting for My Mr. Beautiful Crazy to realize me?    Can we have more then one twin manifestation or are all other connections nothing more then mirages to the desperate soul looking for love?

All these questions and thoughts are floating around in my mind as I feel the wolves are circling around my apartment.   Everything feels like its on the cusp just waiting for a move to be made so the plan of attack can play out.  All of it hinging on a recent comment made by my Mr. Beautiful Crazy....

"Soon we will be ready to have a talk about the next step...."  He said to me lovingly in reference to this intense healing course I have been working through that has cracked me open like and an egg straight into a frying pan.

I have been waiting patiently for this Beautiful, Crazy man to be ready to take the friendship up a notch.  And by patiently I mean, two total friends off disconnects in the past two years and a taking on of a lover to fill the needs that he cannot.  Soon, may not come soon enough for the progression of this friendship to be smooth and graceful.    But then again what ever is smooth in the world of messy feelings?

Moving away from my lover who has sensed this and has increased his presence in my world, I find myself being swept up unexpectedly by a man that has for the past three years held a part of my attention.

Mr.  Ancient Steed.  My Native American that has been waiting patiently for my acknowledgement.

He has always been a friend, albeit some days a frustrating one as I crushed on him from day one. After three years the dates are just starting to escalate into something more tangible.   This has happened but a mere day after Mr. Beautiful Crazy left my home after a four day visit.

As I open myself up through deep wound healing, I see how many men actually want to move in and reap the rewards of the work I have done on myself.  But as much as these rewards for me feel amazing..... who doesn't want to be wanted??  For Real.    I think the better stance to take is who has been part of the entire healing process?  Who is the one I began the healing journey for?

This is the part of the twin flame that is actually a repulsion for us in the beginning.  Self healing is never ever an easy path to take.  The pain one must walk through to heal old wounds is sometimes too much to bear.  The levels one is brought up into is sometimes to overwhelming to the person not used to leveling up.  And the sheer volume of new experiences one must articulate is dangerously expansive to the mind.

Some people just do not have the ego strength to go through the changes and clearing necessary to meet their twin flame in this lifetime.  To meet your twin flame and integrate with them means clearing all karmic debt this lifetime.... ALL karmic debt.   That is a very huge pill to swallow and some people will not be able to choke it down.

The wolves that circle me right now are a reminder of that hard pill to get past my throat.

 This last visit with my beloved Beautiful Crazy he didn't touch me or show me very much physical affection, at all.  That just about lost me my shit on two occasions over the four days.  However I am going through some intense deep healing around sexual trauma... so even though my needs were telling me that for him to touch me was to heal me,,,, in truth he knew in his heart to touch me would be to destroy the healing at this point.   His strength and understanding of my situation is what makes him my Twin.  He does what he needs to in order to keep me safe and himself pure in my energy.

He has always done that even if he believed in the moment he was doing what he needed to do.... which is the truth of the matter.  As long as we are always true to what we fully believe in that moment is the right path for us,... we will never go wrong.  Even if the choice hurts our feelings in the moment... there was a reason needed for that hurt to heal something deeper.

I dont know if it was the right choice to allow Mr. Ancient Steed to swoop in to whisk me away to an amazing prolonged incredible love making session and heart connection or if I really had any choice in the matter.  I do know today I have no ill feelings other then I miss my Mr. Crazy Beautiful so much it almost hurts.  My love for him grows with each experience I have with another man.   That is something I have never experienced before.

Falling in love with a man through the love of other men??   It is true that it takes a village to raise a child.... it also takes a village of men to bring one woman to the arms of her God intended lover.

Follow the White Rabbit....

More of Him....



Thursday, February 11, 2016

Love without Conditions

What is unconditional love?

It is a question I have been pondering in all my interactions with others lately.  Always from an internal place I ponder things, so my question is more about how I give love to others.  It has only been in the past twenty four hours that I have even thought to ponder how I receive unconditional love.

That may sound strange to some.  Of course everyone loves to be told they are pretty and loved and wanted and needed and desired and all those things a person might need to feel good about themselves.  But I learned early on in my ponderings that, that is not unconditional love.  Every one of them has conditions attached to them.

To be desired is to be wanted and what happens when the want wears off?  Will there still be love behind it?  Probably not because it was a conditional love.  Any kind of love that I can receive is conditional love up until now.  I felt comfort in a conditional kind of love.  I felt safe in the love label attached to the flowing desire towards me.  I think I knew in my heart that the love would end so I could flow right into it while it lasted and then I could move on.

Hahaha .......not that I ever moved on gracefully that's for sure.  But move on I have....... for sure.

 Conditional love to me was about attachments.  Its such a catch phrase right now.   Every new guy I have been with lately have warned me not to get attached to them.  Its kinda infuriating.  As a Hypnotherapist I know they are actually washing my mind of that thought by implanting it!   So I have to fight not to fall in to their conditional love parameters cause in truth I really do just want to love them for the moment we are in,

My new lover falls into this category.

Mr. Beautiful Crazy does not.  

For me to receive unconditional love I must learn to flip what I am wanting to give to men, and give it to myself.  I LOVE beyond any scope of words I could muster in my limited brain Mr. Beautiful Crazy more then any other human being alive including my children.

Ya I said it.  Even over my kids....  See I have seen how many conditions children put on your love and how many come from the parents side down as well.  I love my children because I created them.  That's amazing, birthing live is a miracle.... but they are not mine and they don't have the personality traits I personally adore in a person.  But I do love who they are immensely.

My love for my Twin is all my own love.  The more he speaks the more I fall in love.  The closer he gets to me the weaker my masculine nature becomes and the more my feminine nature rises up.  As he touches me more, I begin to flood the Nile with my juices.  Even this mans darkness makes me love him more.  There is nothing so far that has not created the deepest love within my belly for this Male Creature.

That my beauties, is unconditional Love.  Why, what makes it so you wonder?  is that not how every relationship builds?  Not in my reality and not over the longest span of two years ever!   Plus the hard truth of my unconditional love for him is.....    He does not and I repeat very loudly... DOES NOT want to be with me romantically.  He does not find me attractive.  His words exactly.  He does not have that desire for me, not in the beginning and still not after two years.

I tell myself that he can't handle my love, because when the love gets to close to his heart he slaps me back hard and fast.   Kinda like my lover has recently too,  unable to accept my love on that level.

But even with both of these men unable to accept the full spectrum of my love,  I still want to give them what they can handle.  So I pull back.  I make sure they are okay because I love them that much.  It isn't about me.  It is about them. Thats the unconditional part, having no destination nor label on their love.   Because trust me my loved ones, when a man wants you in full love because you have given him the grace to grow..... Holy fucking Hell opens up and engulfs heaven in Glorious Fire Works

So you see, I can give love to these boys... but the truth is, I cant yet accept it back for myself.  To receive a massage from my Twin is almost painful on every level of my being.  To let a my ex husband pay me a little more money each month is cause for me to question his conditions on that money.  I cannot just allow this love to flow back to me. I block and deflect.  Then get drained because my outgoing has no incoming.

Cultivating self love and working through those uncomfortable moments of receiving is the challenge I walk through as I walk from my Masculine nature into my Divine Feminine.  Deep deep mother wounds need to be cleared for this one.  

Follow the White Rabbit....

More of Him....


Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Sexual Exploration

He is so eager to please.

Fingers circle my love button 

My juices flow,

 as he slides his finger 

Back and forth in it...


The Goddess sings,
My lover is back.

Follow the white rabbit.....

Monday, February 8, 2016

Healing the Yoni

What an emotional whirlwind my unhealthy mind has been on.   I had no idea that embarking on my Twin Flame Story would involve so much self healing.

I have been on the road to recovery since Merlin set me on my path seven years ago.  It seems fitting that seven year cycles carry us to new levels, but sometimes its painfully slow.   These past seven years since meeting my beloved first manifestation of my twin flame have been one of recovery from dependencies.  Crutches that helped me get through my days lost in misery of cycling childhood trauma's.  I really had no idea at that point, that I was so lost.

It is not until we have been found that we see the truth of where we are at.  And I surely was in a pit of shame then.

Thank the Gods, I am not there anymore.  This new moon in Aquarius on the New Year of the Chinese Monkey is bringing me into intense awareness that once again the layers of the female Vagina( which from hence forth I will call Yoni) are being peeled back another layer.

As I go deeper into myself to find my Twin Flame I am finding there is some pretty deep wounds that need to be healed in order to manifest the full version of my twin flame.  My Mr. Beautiful crazy is but the second of many manifestations sure to come my way to honor and uplift my spirit into the true human divinity that it belongs in.

Mr. Beautiful Crazy has brought me to Tantric orgasm. (Orgasm of full body, mind and spirit simultaneously) After reading a very impressive article  (  about the female Yoni fight or flight responses. I understand on a deeper level how much trauma is stored in our muscles, cells and folds of our beautiful bodies.  I understood this truth as a weight loss consultant.

Muscle and fat holds emotions that have been stored for later release.  When women lose weight they sometimes find themselves dealing with many issues that they had buried along the course of their lives.  On the flip side muscles remember the last time they were at their fittest and if one stops working out for any amount of time... even years, it only takes only six weeks for your muscles to remember and get back to their best performance shape.... if still in prime years of course.

So it made tremendous sense that sexual trauma can get trapped in the folds of a woman's beautiful Yoni.  Working that trauma out takes much patience and self love to move through the physicality of the Yoni muscle.

That is the emotional whirlwind my mind has been on recently.  Making logical sense of a concept that has no business in the mind at all.

My latest manifestation of My twin flame who I fully understand to not be my final manifestation has showed me a tremendous amount of love and compassion for who I am and where I have been in my life.  He is solid in the friend zone but momentary lapses in sexual rawness has had him bring me to orgasmic levels I have only read about in books.

Taking a lover... which is still in the story but for another post... has actually provided a counter balance to my unhealthy fashion with men up until this point.   I have been the pound me hard and fast and get it over with kinda girl for a very long time.  Satisfying myself with mere crumbs to keep myself in that comfort of shame, I have learned to survive and even thrive in quiet well.

I look around me and see how many of my friends... which are mainly women... are satisfied with mere crumbs in the experience of Yoni Love.  We are a society fed by commercials that are now fully pornographic in nature.  Created by men who have very little sensitivity in there penis's and no real connection between there mind and genitals like us women do.  The Yoni on the other hand, is nothing but a circuit of nerve endings connected to her heart and mind.  Women in porno's are women touched with trauma.     ...... and these broken women have become the super heroes of the females sexual nature??

Mr.  Beautiful Crazy, without realizing what he is doing is teaching me the truth about my Yoni and in essence the truth about what makes my heart and soul sing at the very moment of an orgasmic release.  I had no concept that I was but living off crumbs until this man unwittingly let himself go, in all his masculine energy in my bed one night.

I now know that I have placed my foot firmly into the next seven year cycle.  This cycle will be about peeling back the layers of my gorgeous Yoni and exploring deeply the traumas not only inflicted upon me in this life, but lifetimes of trauma not only for my feminine to emerge but that of my ancestors all the way back to the beginning of time when women were put down and held down for fear of the power a woman in her full Twin flame energy might manifest.

I may see a few different manifestations of my twin flame before this seven year cycle is up.  But in truth I just hope this current twin flame in my life can grow and evolve with me and I will not need to continually move from one man to another to gain the fullness I need to become whole within myself.  But I do understand it takes a village to raise a child and to expect one man to fill every need of a complex woman is to continue to live in that pornographic shame mentality.

Learning to flow with the true nature of things is more the focus of one learning to slowly peel back the layers of her Yoni.   I invite you to journey with me as I expose myself and unearth the amazing female power that resides in all woman since the beginning of time.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Marriage of the Inner Feminine and Masculine

Inner masculine and feminine.

How does one manifest their twin flame when their own inner balance is out of whack?

I learned a fair bit from this failed fling I attempted to have with what I thought might be a great new lover.  But apparently he could not handle me.  I was too emotional for him.  I think what he was looking for was the masculine side of me.  Non emotional, but with a fuckable vagina.

And truly that is who I used to be.  I was very detached from my feelings for a very long time.  I lived and functioned better from my masculine side.  I can make money easily.  I preferred working to the nurturing of my children, I loved rough hard unconnected sex and I preferred to stay loaded on the latest drug then to handle my problems head on and sober.

I was everything my mother was not and everything my father was.  I was strong and took control of my life.  I made shit happen and refused to accept any way but my own made path.   I was successful in everything I did cause I forced the shit out of who I was and what the universe could bend for me.

I refused to sit in my house for ten years and cry about my failed life at 26 years old, but show the outer world that I was all shits and giggles and life was so blissful.... Like my two faced narcissistic mother.  She was and still is a very mean spirited woman who's bitterness over her lot in life had just about destroyed the very fabric of who I was.

Yes, Mother issues for this Twin flame.

I refused my feminine nature from a very young age.  I wanted nothing to do with being a woman. Women are just abused and used and then left to cry out the rest of their days.  Like hell that was gonna happen to me.   So I embraced fully my father figures attributes and didn't really look back until recently.

And now that recently is fully here in the present, I feel like my whole existence is spinning as I create the famine aspect of myself.

How can my twin flame be attracted to me when I am all male energy.  When we first met he was fully in his female energy because of some hard knocks he took in life.  He needed a masculine friend to pick him up and nurture him.  As a person with a vagina, nurturing is part of the encrypted code in my DNA and no amount of man-ness I exuded could prevent me from wanting to nurture this lost boy girl Man.

But now that he is stepping into his masculine, I am being forced to step into my feminine,

A few years back I met a wonderful lady who is all female.  No masculine in her whats so ever.... for real.  We would go to the bar and men would walk up to her and profess their undying love to her should she choose them to protect her.  It was a phenomenal sight for me to witness cause it made no sense to me.  I was prettier then her and would open my legs with much less effort then her, why would the guys fall all over her instead of me?    Now I get why....

A woman who is healthy in her feminine is a powerful creature indeed.  A woman who knows how and when to embrace her masculine to bring balance to her life.... Is beyond a powerful creature... She becomes a Goddess.

Now that my fling is over... or so it feels that way to me right now, and truthfully I am okay with that.  Because my twin is coming up for a visit in the next ten days and that is all the focus I need for right now.  Creating my feminine and learning how to manage from her perspective will keep me good and occupied for these next ten days for sure.

To me a Twin flame union is when both halves in their healthy fullness meet and create an even larger more unified force field of masculine and feminine energy.   Thus increasing the light and Love within their immediate circles of friends and family.   Its my full on belief that each and every one of us must determine the polarity we reside in and reach for that balance within us first before we can proceed to create anything of lasting value.