Saturday, January 30, 2016

Back to the Lover Drawing Board

Ya.  I cant take a lover.  Who was I kidding?   How can you give yourself to another man when your heart, soul and self are tied into another man..... a man that feels and experiences everything you do?

Twin flames are so deeply connected that I truly believe Mr. Beautiful crazy can even hear what I am thinking.   I cannot be spending my energy that I share with him on some young buck Lover that doesn't know how to give and is just taking the little stability I have.  That wasn't the intentions I had set for this experience.   The universe always delivers what we want when we want it.... the catch is, the universe can only scrounge up certain experiences on short notice if you have not already laid the ground work for it.  I apparently have not laid the ground work.

So is it back to the drawing board or do I give up on expressing my needs this way?  In past research of Twin flames it was said that when the runner twin is not available for full connection the waiting twin can put there exuberant extra energy into creative pursuits.   I have been doing that, and I will continue to do so.  I think maybe the whole idea of taking a lover is not going to work.

The conversations between My twin and I, have shifted in two ways.  He has called me way more often then he ever has before, like three times a day we are talking on the phone instead of just steady daily texts.  And the conversations have been about how lonely he is and how much he wants to fall in love with someone some day.  Those conversations really really hurt me.

He has always maintained that he is not attracted to me in that way.  Maybe it is fully time for me to accept that as it is and let go of him.  I have cut off communications a few times because I could not deal with my feelings for him and his rejection of them.  But living without him in my life is harder.  Two of the times he came back to my life and I let him in as the time frames were long enough for me to forget about how much I loved him.  But this last time I contacted him and promised myself and my higher power that I would be okay with just being his friend only.

Taking a lover was a step in the direction of friendship for me.  Taking a lover was about filling the sexual need in me stirred up by my twin.  Taking a lover was about feeling wanted and loved and needed.  Taking a lover was about filling my spare time with something that connected me to my body. Taking a lover was not suppose to cause a rift between me and my twin.  It was not suppose to make me feel worse about myself.

I am an Empath.  I probably forgot to say that in my previous posts.  As a highly sensitive person I absorb everyone elses drama's.  Lots of times i go through huge process's that are not even mine.  With My twin its the only person I feel fully my self with and in control of who i am and whats going on for me.  With the short lived one time lover I had, he has some obsessive using issues that I can see now was coming through to me.  We always attract where we are at and I guess it was just meant to show how much I have been moving myself out of this reality as well.   

Maybe this lover came along to shed some light on some things about myself that also need to be addressed.   I love my twin.  I really only want him.  But truth be told he doesn't want me that way.  I have to just learn to accept that and prepare myself for the day he does fall in love and walk away for this friendship with smile on his face and I guess his true love in his heart.

Follow the White Rabbit....

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Courtship Insecurities!!

I am terrible at dating.  What is dating anyways?

For real.  I don't really date any of the guys I go out with.  It's just not part of my experience when I meet guys I am interested in.  Its not that I haven't been on dates before, I have, and they are always fun and interesting to me.

But in truth all the guys I fall into relationship with never do we really date.

So why did I say I am terrible at dating?  I guess better question then is.... I am terrible at courtship.

The early stages of a romance are hell for me.  I love the excitement of getting to know someone.  I love the excitement of the intoxicating feelings of desire, passion and even love.   I truly do enjoy falling in love over and over again.  

So why then do I hate the courtship?     Because no matter how I approach it or how fast or slow it goes... it always brings out my deepest insecurities.  Always.

My new Sagittarius lover is true to  his sign and has not given me very much to go off of as way of whether he likes me or not.   We fell into this very quickly and with very little preparation for each other.  He can roll like that very comfortably but me on the other hand.... I get complexes!

Take for instance.... my run away thoughts.  They are like on super speed, the Mag-lev bullet train doesn't even come close at 600 miles an hour.   I feel like a crazy stalker woman and yet feel to insecure to even say hi to him.   Its absolute rubbish that this kid is bringing these kinds of insecurities out of me.

He is 26, and nothing at all like the guys I have pursued in my wait time of twin flame developments (every story takes time to build, a girl gets bored while she waits)  This kid lives in my apartment building and didn't really light a flame the first time we met.  Of course I sparked with him.,,, only because I spark with everyone I possibly can.  lol  You never know what will come out of one of those sparks.... although thinking of it now... I sparked with Beautiful Crazy, yet he didn't spark with me.  I think that might of been the same with this kid.

But let me tell you, once my little sag lover realized what I wanted he came out full glory.  So full glory.  Lips, kisses, soft touches, rough touches, locking eyes, rocking thighs, omg... he was very good.  And he only has up to go, his willingness to respond to my ques..... yes.  A perfect lover.

 But........ I haven't been able to touch him since!!    That was Saturday and its Tuesday!!!  Thats too long!!  Just too long!

I am crawling out of myself here to get back onto him.  That is why I am not good a courtship.  I am too impatient.  Funny how I just whispered how slow stories take to develop.  lol  I am not good with slow. I want what I want and I want it now.  It takes me Eons to decide what I want so when the decision is made.... it better be go time!

Oh, Young grasshopper.   I tell myself......

....... He doesn't think your repulsive.  He isn't avoiding you.  He is not trying to destroy your trust in men.  He is not out to rip your heart out and eat it for shits and giggles.  He doesn't think your fat.  He didn't find you too aggressive in the bedroom.   He wasnt offended when you hugged him in the lobby.  He was okay that you texted a hello.   He doesn't think your bat shit crazy creeper.


..........He is just biding his time and enjoying the after glow of sleeping with a sexy woman, 15 years older then him from his apartment building which opens a tonne of kinky doors for his Sagittarius nature to dive into.  He is excited and nervous and not sure how to approach you now, but he definitely doesn't want to disappoint you so he will only come around when he knows he is in full game... which is not every night of the week.

He thinks your beautiful and loves the way you laugh.  He has never had someone trail their nails down his side before and send him into body spasms that feel so good, heaven on earth opens up.  He is completely amused with who and what you are to him.  And he looks forward to a few years of no strings attached full on love affair   Okay Grasshopper?

Momentarily I feel reassured....  Then my thoughts cycle back like a run away train and I begin the self defeating journey back into all of my worst qualities and how they will destroy any shred of happiness I had a hope on acquiring with this fling.  Seriously I dont do courtship well...

My head is a scary crazy place to be at a time like this... better to stay in my heart and in the Box.

Here is to hoping he calls tonight.


Follow the white rabbit....

My Twin

Follow the White Rabbit.....

More of Him....


My Lover

Follow the white rabbit...

The birth of Him......


Sunday, January 24, 2016

If He is My Twin Flame, Why do I need to take a Lover?

So how does a twin flame change Meat suits?  How can someone you really believed to be your twin turn out to not be and then someone else steps in to that spot?  Could I have been wrong the first time and now I have found him, but whats if in two weeks the real him rolls in and replaces this one.   Am I not just making a mockery of the twin flame concept?

Who even coined the twin flame concept?

I have always rolled with the belief of soul mates.  I have had this belief not because of books or the internet.  I knew this concept to be truth when I was very young and now in hindsight,  I understand that I was having many communications with my Higher Power, My God when I was young.   I knew the trauma I was experiencing then was due to a Karmic debt and I had to just grin and bear it until my rewards later in life.  I could only bare it because of these constant downloads of understanding.

One of them being Soul Mates and Twin Flames.

I knew in my heart of hearts I would meet my twin flame this Life and connect fully.   And this would be one of our last lives.  I truly do believe in reincarnation and soul level learning.  I have always believed in that.   What I still struggle to understand due to lack of experience is unconditional love and Twin flame pairing.

My conflict with this concept is where does romantic love fit into this paring.  I do grasp the concept that not all twin flames are romantic partners.  My daughter and son are deep soul mate pairings.  Me and my oldest daughter are another deep soulmate pairing.  And to say any mother with her child is a soul mate connection, is a false assumption.  I have three children and I am not connected in the same way to all of them.   I just know for me personally that my Twin flame will come in the form of romance because for me that is where my early childhood drama destroyed me the most.

Our trauma's are our destiny or our passions are, either or.  For me its my trauma because it was so deeply burned into the fabric of who I am.  I could become a single cat lady and live safely that way.  Free from my memories and feelings or I can embrace who I am fully and move into what I need to teach me how to love fully and without conditions.  That is why I know I am destined to find that perfectly fit other piece in my life.  Because it was taken from me when I was a child by a man and only a man can return it.

So back to my original question..... how can this man have changed bodies?

Now that I have established that I indeed have such a deep belief in twin flames, I will prove that no matter what, I will create that reality for myself.  because it's something my psyche believes it needs to feel fully satisfied, accomplished and whole in this life time.  It's not an unhealthy concept to me to put some dependence into other people for my total security.  We are interdependent humans, we cannot survive and thrive alone.  We need each other to grow and flourish.  I need a twin flame to build on my weaknesses and lend my strengths too.  It is spoken in the bible that one is a fool if he should choose to travel life alone.  Better is a man who has a companion to keep him safe from predators.

So then why do I know that Beautiful Crazy has stepped up to the plate?

Life path similarities.

The more I learn about Beautiful Crazy the more I come to learn how eerily similar our lives are.

They are so close to the same that we have almost met several times in our life.  We both have the same first marriage dynamics, three children and even the same kind of family dog that we both disliked intensely.  We both went to school for things we hated at the exact same moments in our lives for the exact same reasons.   We both have rebound flings after our marriages that created a tremendous spark for both of us and the other partners each had our names tattoo'd on their bodies.   We both have the same residual effects form our trauma's and we both are heading in the same direction in life.

I believe now that a twin flame is not the person you have a spark with.   The person you have a spark with is someone you are meant to be attracted to in that moment for a specific reason.  The sparks are created by soul mates.  Twin flames are more likely to create a repulsion then a spark.  Your twin flame will force you to stand in the truth of who you are.  many of us are not fully ready for that.  Its painful to see yourself totally naked through the eyes of another.  That is what a twin flame does for us.... sheds our skin entirely and brings forth the best version of yourself.....


Where does romantic love fit into that?

Mr.  Beautiful crazy is not ready to kiss me.  Not even close.   It's been two years.  I know he loves me.   I even know sexually we get along well and I have had the best Tantric experience with him.... but he has not felt a spark with me.  He has not been ignited romantically towards me,,,, but loves me so much.   I don't know how to cope with that.   It is one of my childhood trauma issues..... understanding intimacy.

So to help me through this.  I have went and got myself a lover.   I don't really know what else to do.  I feel so full of sexual energy and Mr. beautiful crazy, one doesn't live really close to me( a five hour drive away) and two isn't passionate for me.  I need to feel wanted sometimes.  I love feeling loved and I do feel so loved.... but that is not the same as being ravagely wanted.

In the deepest recess of my being I know without a doubt that one day Mr. beautiful crazy will be ready for me.   I know its not even a belief at this point... I just know that one day I will retire with my beautiful friend that is teaching me about intimacy and all things Love connected.

 But in the mean time I have to actively wait for that time to come and there isn't really much doubt that this guy is gonna take a few years to get there.... its already been two and the progression up until now has been slow going but going it has... and that is why the tremendous amount of faith.

Will one day the meat suits change again?

I don't believe they will.  I think Merlin Sparked me to this life path travel, but just the igniting spark.  It will always be Mr. beautiful Crazy and if not him.... then the universe will provide me blissful companions to keep me company in my life journey.  Because the truth is.... I have been single for a long time, I love myself enough and I WANT to be in Romantic situations.

It's truly what we want that we create.  I want a Twin Flame and until he can become that,  I shall take a lover.

Continue to follow the white rabbit?

Friday, January 22, 2016

Twin Flame Meat Suit Change

It always amazes me how a project takes dips and turns and leads you down a path you never intended to go.  Sometimes the path leads to a dead end and you have to go back to the beginning and start over with new intentions or you are pleasantly surprised at where the road lead you.

That is the case with this blog.... yet I must not jump to pleasantly surprised just yet, as the ending is not even close to transpiring.  The pleasantly surprised part then is that the person I was originally writing about in this blog has changed 'meat suits' as the wildly popular show Supernatural has wonderfully coined.  My knight in shining armor turned out to be someone totally different because of the choices I made in my life.

One thing I am learning for sure is that we all have life challenges that are predestined for us.  No amount of hiding or running away from these life lessons will make them go away.  But running can change the fabric of the suit your meant to put on.   I have worn a lot of jersey sweat pants in my day.  

This blog was about undressing those bum around the house clothes and putting on a nice Channel Dress.

Except now the dress has changed colors due to some choices I have made in the past.   My once Knight in Shining armor has changed meat suits.  No longer available to me is the man I adoringly named Merlin, because of the magic he brought into my world.  

The posts up until now was my story with him and how it was transpiring, aside from the dramatic flare I love to add to my writing, that was all truth of how him and I met and how it was developing.  I had hoped this blog would draw him out and bring him back to me after we were separated due to overwhelm.   I no longer believe that to be the truth or if it is the truth then I have a side detour with a friend who has snuck in the back door and has portrayed the true qualities of my Knight in Shining Armor.

There was no spark with the man I call my Beautiful Crazy. 

I call him that not because he brings out a crazy in me, but that once he said to me that my crazy was beautiful.  I had never received a compliment like that and it brought me to tears.  I am definitely not everyone's cup of tea.  I am deeply opinionated and fairly judgmental, If i don't like you, I am kinda a bitch.... not because I am mean spirited but because I am awkward with social graces.   Having someone tell me that my crazy is beautiful,  that what I believe in, even if he doesn't agree with my beliefs, opened my whole inner world up.  My ex husband did not find my crazy beautiful, he found it exhausting.  My friends sometimes find me too much to deal with.... but he wants to speak to me every day.. he wants to hear my rants( maybe not all the time, but he allows me that grace if i need to rant that day).   

This my friends I have never had in my life.  The empowerment it has given me is second to nothing that has ever empowered me before.  That is why now I know finding the truest form of love has been and will always be one of my life missions.  I was raised in an atmosphere where real love was absent.  I continued in that forum until I was into my thirties.  I don't want a shallow loveless life.  I no longer want to go through the motions of what love looks like in the movies.... I want to experience it fully.

And now that I am beginning to let love in, a whole new world is opening up to me.  I am seeing the love in the people around me.  Friends that have always resided here and couldn't understand me before now have something to connect to me with.  Friends that were on that side of the loveless fence with me are now seeing me in a new light and following or unfortunately falling off to the wayside if my love is too intense for them.... cause true to my crazy I am intense.

What I am realizing more then anything though is that when you meet someone who falls in love with you, it is actually you that you fall back in love with.  A lover is a mirror to your soul, to the deepest recess of your being.  You begin to see the good and the darkness within yourself with a fresh new set of eye's.  And the deeper I get into this friendship the more afraid I become of losing this experience.

Because in truth.   He doesn't really feel the same about me as I do him.  

He is an Aquarius and he just loves.  He loves everyone and everything.  He loves me only as a friend... He loves me for what I am teaching him and giving him in his life today.   All we ever have is this moment and both him and I are finally coming out of our dark stories and we are using each other as life rafts. That is a harsher side of the reality of where we are at.  

The softer side is how much life similarities we have.  How many times he has rescued me and how many times I have come to his aid.  How he has fit into my life so gracefully like he has always meant to be there.  How he knows exactly when and how to talk to me, to bring me to a more balanced point in the moment.  

There are so many qualities and similarity's between the two of us, that whether he is ready to accept them for what they could be or not...   

I have accepted them as such and I am willing to wait and see if it is a bridge he will ever be able to cross.   Because in truth I have never met someone like him that has brought this much greatness out of me.... and that to me is the truest form of Love.

Follow the White Rabbit