Tuesday, December 13, 2016

What is it you really want in a romantic partner??

Do I just want to fall in love for the sake of falling in love or do i just have so much freaking love to share that I want to give it to everyone all the time?

If I want to fall in love just for the sake of falling in love does that make me desperate?   If i am going with my feeling and acting on them does that make me come across as needy if i am not practicing patience and letting him come to me?

There are so many rules and I get so crazy trying to follow them all.   I have had so many failed relationships that I question the common denominator?

Is it me sabotaging all these romances or am I just not everyone's cup of tea?   Were not all these friendships ended by my own choices because that partner did not fit where I was going?  Is that not the self love kinda thing that is always included in the Rules?

Why does it feel then that my personality will never match someone's desires?   Am I one of those hard older women that has a shell so thick that no one can get through it and just my mere trying hurts the very point of my desires?

I feel so lost and alone.  Is that co-dependent?   IS it wrong to want to be a part of an interdependent romance?   Should I stop seeking because so many of my choices have failed?   I guess that begs the question.... Are my choices the problem?

Why is it that I am attracted to all things that are bad for me then?   Why is it that what gets my motors running are the very things that are gonna destroy the engine?   Why does that not make sense to me?

I do have a certain type of guy I am attracted to.  Does this mean they are all bad for me and I dont know whats good for me, or is it maybe that deep down inside I already know who is going to bring me into the greatest alignment with myself and that is who I seek out after?

I have always seen myself with a big bald guy and I am always wildly attracted to the younger guy.  When I did finally meet the guy that fit my description exactly he brought the most intense emotions out of me that neither of us could handle.  No regrets there but hot damn it was an experience.

I hear all the time from women that the one they married was not their type but they are happy... yet years later they are divorced and with a guy that they were originally attracted too.  Is that a blue print within you that you must follow because it is part of a life plan for you or is that a blue print that is holding you back from creating something even greater in your life?

How does one then determine that and how do you let go of that old blueprint?

How do you have patience and move forward with your life when Your so happy to fall in love with another wrong guy for you?  Is it wrong to want to play in that arena if everything else in your life is going well?   Is there a pleasure to that pain that keeps you tethered to something that you do not want to let go of... a sense of personality maybe, a humility?

Who says staying the same is wrong?  Who says that we must always be growing and moving forward out of our comfort zones?  Is there ever a time where we can just sit and be with our crazy defects that really are not going anywhere anytime soon?

Is it okay to fall in love over and over and over again with the bad boy that is gonna be emotionally unavailable to you?   Maybe if your line of work is all about emotions maybe that is a break for your heart.  Maybe the guy that cant engage your intellect is the one for you if all day long in your field of work you are always on game intellectually.  Maybe having someone just be there to do fun light things with is what you are looking for.   Maybe that doesn't fit what others think you should have in your life, maybe it doesn't sit with your understanding yet.   however maybe for just a few moments in time you dont have to figure it out and you can just let your overworked mind take a break and just be with the greatness of what this day brings!

Sunday, December 11, 2016

The Warrior Rises.

Sometimes I feel like I need to get far far far away from this blog and then other times its the only way my heart will release its pain.  

Twin Flames make me crazy sometimes.  Breeds Obsession.    Then after a while away from it it has an opposite effect, and it releases those bottled up feelings from a numb heart trying to survive in a cold world without romance to keep you alive.

I know its not only romance that can warm your heart.  Its why I must leave here sometimes.  To focus on other avenues to my heart.   Avenues that create equal ecstasy.   Sometimes higher.... but never better.

I had a vision today.   An encounter with another astral traveler.  

It was during a mediation for creating some cold hard cash.   A transmission through the Akashic records to release the binds that my mind has a hold of over being well off.... about being always poor and forever struggling no matter how many thousands and thousands of dollars are brought in each month.

I went somewhere else during the transmission but it was okay I liked what happened.

After a few tear releases and a minds let go's of what could easily be seen, felt and knew must be moved out of me, I felt fingers painting brown lines on my face.   I could feel the man right there with me.  Nothing was holding his energy away from me seeing him and feeling him fully in my reality in my easiest understanding of him... a hot male.

He was giggling and already telling me that romance will no longer be an issue for me.   His laugh was so playful that I could barely ask why.  I didn't really care, I trusted that his laugh was a forewarning of so much fun and love and respect and attention and all the things I want from one male and none of the fears and drama bullshit.  I could feel it off the pure sheer level his energy was at.  It was greater then what I could imagine from his feeble attempt to describe it to me, so i didnt bother to ask.

I asked him instead, why he was marking up my body with brown lines.  And why it felt so amazing.

He looked me square in the face and said.  "You're a Warrior Now".

His words filled me with mixed emotions.  

I didn't want to be a Warrior I Want to be a Shaman.  But it never ever occurred to me to become a Warrior.   All of a sudden the idea of it exploded into my mind and I was instantly in vibration with that energy and feeling the most intense full body let go of all the things that no longer serve me for this new role I am stepping into.

I had to let go of the very hard time I  was having walking through the devastation of my self esteem.

I have been there before so it was a well known path back up to where I am suppose to be, but none the less my heart was crushed that I chose so fucking poorly once again.  I have over analyzed and thought the shit out of how Crazy Beautiful Got in, I am sure it was his name sake, it always is their fucking names that do me in.   But anyways.... Thank you Merlin for trying to show me months ago.  I got it, just slow is all.

I am glad to step into a new role.   I am ready to become something new, something different.  I am done cycling abuse and neglect.   I am finished with the victim-hood and the need to follow other peoples programs,  I am ready to create my own program for you to follow.

I am ready for MindFalling.com  I am ready to become a warrior and kick some ass on the spiritual front and put all my energy into making waves and distracting the mind so that I can free people to step into their authentic selves.   I am ready to be loved so fucking deeply that I cannot even imagine it right now.  So I will focus on only one thing...... breaking down the walls with my Tribe.

I am ready.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Understanding my Power

There is so much happening within the blog and within the loops of my reality.  I dont even know where to fit this post in among the Twin flame Drama that is playing out in my reality.

Do you ever notice that when you pull out of a relationship that is when you can see it the clearest.  Thats when the revelations come smacking down on your head.  Either bringing with them a painful headache or a light headedness that makes you almost giddy with relief?  

I am in both minds.  

I am sickened to know I stayed in a friendship not standing in my truth and allowing my generous love to be compromised and dirtied because my friend was unable to stand in his own truth of what the relationship was too him.   He needed to practice and play with the idea of what I was offering at the expense of my sanity and that is never okay.  But what is worse is that I could not stand stronger in my truth that just because I thought he was a great guy I was not over the top attracted to him.

And within that paradigm I also played with that idea that I could fall in love with out instant attraction leading the way.   I believe my paradigm play actually proved me right and I did fall deeply in love with him.  But as I fell favorably into my idea he fell the opposite direction..... I think.   I can no longer speak words for him.

How is it that we go through these incredibly weird scenarios to learn how we are within ourselves?

Being in relationship with others is truly as they say, a mirror to show us the truth behind the masks we wear.  If we are lucky enough to find a friend that is willing to get close enough to us to bring out the demons that live in the closest of our hearts to eradicate them, then you have a great friend indeed.

I had a great friend in Mr. Beautiful Crazy.  But thats all he was... a friend.

Do I still believe in Twin Flame Union?  

I have asked this a couple of times over the past few months within this blog and my answer is still yes.   I believe we are moving into a new reality where love is concerned and the idea that energy makes up people and situations lead to the understanding that the energy you seek can be embodied by several different people and experiences along the way.   Mr.  was an intense version of Merlin and my next romantic encounter will be even more intense then Mr.  

I really believe my mind is moving away from that One perfect lover or soul mate and it is moving into a more free flowing place of.... what my soul needs to evolve is what will be delivered to me.  The old paradigms are no longer working for me.  I can see into the astral realm more and it is not as magical as it once was and is becoming a second reality to the one you are experiencing here.  And even in that reality there is pain and limitations.

That is where I am going now.   Moving my awareness to the bigger picture of this world and my space within it.  Accepting the experiences I call forth for the things I wish to evolve within myself.   And a new passion for discovering the astral realm once I get my feet planted firmly in this realm.

 If you dont dream you are disconnected from self.   finding what that disconnection is and removing it from your life is the first step to moving with me into this new realm of living!  

In two worlds.  In two minds.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

The Prophecies


The next seven years of her life were lived from a place of Merlins Prophecies.

Within the six months they were friends they never consummated there love for each other.  He was her first real male friend and she loved him above all others because of it.  His words became gold between her ears and her thoughts began to formulate with that being the base equation for every one of her experiences relating to men and healing.

It was a great seven year ride!

In her blissful time with her celestial beloved there were probably hundreds and hundreds of things he said to her that stuck in her mind like a popcorn colonel sticks in your teeth.  Annoying remembrances of suggestions placed in your brain like spider babies just waiting to be birthed.   Merlin was a master of this with his degree in psychology.

He warned her once that her emotional ups and downs were going to be too much for her children to handle.  And true to his words her son did end up deciding to move back with his father after she got all her children back.  Except her oldest one whom choose to live on her own after the split up of their little family.  He said this before she had even imagined getting her kids back.  This was the beginning of his suggestions creating a life she didn't even know she was about to create for herself.

As the friendship began its downward spiral the reason the Dragon hurt him so began to seep into his words of wisdom.  Admitting to himself slowly that she was not going to choose him for her awakening after all.  That she was going to choose to suffer a bit longer in her pain over standing up for herself and making a choice for her soul instead of the acceptable choice of staying with a good man in a proper relationship.  He knew in his heart that she was not yet ready for him or any love.

He was right, She could not receive with a heart so shattered by her own hand.   It might take her decades to open to love again.

She would be ready when The Dragon Showed up within her life.

In a fit of anger which became pretty normal between them in the last few weeks Merlin screamed two things in her direction to manifest when the timing was right.  The first one was.."I can see you now in the back of a white pick up truck."   Malice dripping off his voice as he said this one from a tone of disgust and pity.   And shortly after much calmer but still frustrated with her choice of path, "One day Kitty, I will have to come rescue you from your own actions."

Both of these comments made in reference to Her promiscuous behaviors.  Those actions that get her out of her head into her body at the expense of her dignity and self love.   Shortly after Merlin was deported from her country just days after these prophecies insulted her she did indeed find herself in the back of a pick up truck with a shady sort of guy and all she could think about was where she had gone wrong with Merlin.  Why did she choose the dragon?

Years later she would find out why and it would be then that she would put the last prophecy to rest.

 He was not her Knight in shining armor.  He never was.  He might have been the awakening but he was not the beginning, middle and end of it.  He was just one part.  She would learn that it was her that could change her story and that no man or otherwise had that much power over her.

However it took seven years and many attempts at that last prophecy to bring him back to her.......

Follow the White Rabbit to....


Merlins Magical Six Months


Life continued on in a haze of magical words and feelings over the next six months for Her and the man of her dreams.  Like being rescued from a life of monotony and mundane chores everything was new and exciting.

Every moment she had between fighting to keep her job going and moving away from her family was spent in the mystical energy of this angel sent to earth to usher her into an new energy, into a new era of her life.  She was fully absorbed by him.   And Thank God too because she would have never survived this time without him.

She learned how connected he was too his own spirit through his bible studies each day and his wise words of prophecy that seemed to manifest instantly within her life.  His power to create was second to none she had ever met before.  She had read all the mystical books about positivity and our own ability to create our realities through our thoughts and feelings.  She had been a practitioner of the Goddess for several years now, she was not an idle student in this art.   But he surely trumped her in the area of manifesting our desires into reality.

She was mystified by All of him.   His past and what he has done to overcome it. Losing a mother at such a young age and growing up in one of the roughest Ghetto's in the world.   His knowledge and the work he has put into himself and his travels around the world and the energy he has acquired from that.  All of it lit her life up in a way no other soul has been able to up until then.  He brought to her a new understanding.

That understanding was beyond what she had envisioned for her life up till now.  He opened up the possibilities that she too could overcome her upbringing and become something so much greater then the limitations placed on her at birth.  She drank in All his knowledge and quickly connected into his incredible energy for life.

It was a beautiful six months, among the pain of her separation from her husband and children and the process of losing her career.

The pain she was experiencing was so overwhelming it threatened to take her out of this world.  She questioned daily how she could have made a decision that felt so right and continued to feel right but hurt so damn much she could barely believe what is going on some days.  Her whole reality was crumbling to the ground and she cannot collect the pieces fast enough to put it back together, and truly she didn't want to.

Merlin offered her comfort in a time of need.  He showed her a way that was much better for her soul, for her own evolution.  He awoke in her something so much deeper then she had ever had the ability to do so herself.  She liked where he took her.  She would follow him for as long as the journey allowed her too.

In her appreciation she bought him a gift.    The magical energy he was gifting to her so that she could awaken, was due some sort of return from her.  She knew exactly where to go for the gift, a magical store within the worlds known largest mall on the planet.    She found what she was looking for quickly, but now the choice of style had her camped out on the floor in front of the glass case for hours, annoying the poor sales lady that just wanted her to make a choice already..

The glass cabinet held a variety of switch blades.  Everything from efficient and outdoorsy to magical and ornamental.   Hundreds of little knives called to her, several of them would have loved Merlins energy.  But which one of these little bad boys would Merlin Love.  That was the question that kept her bound to her spot for hours.   The choice seemed so important, she wanted him to know how much she loved him.

She was not a gift giver.  She hated the attachment people had to material objects.  buying this meant a great deal to her spirit as it knew this was something out of the ordinary for her.  She wanted to get the blade that held the most power for Her beloved, to somehow return the power he had given to her.

After the torment of narrowing it down to just two blades she finally choose the Dragon emblem over the spider on a hand crafted 9" Pearl Micheal Corleone Blade.  She was very pleased with her purchase and was beside herself with excitement to show her love.  Little did she know of the choice she had really made.

Rushing to his house on the other side of the city in her custom limited addition Sonata was an obstacle course of vehicles and blocked intersections.  Why when one is wanting to be somewhere quickly does it take so long to get there??  Finally arriving at her destination she entered into his booby trapped house.

He sure loved the art of war and protection.  Always full of traps for the unsuspecting intruder and for the girlfriend walking in and jumping claws to the roof because of a new tripwire placed just before the door entrance, a good laugh.

Settling him down after a fit of giggles she proudly gave him her deceleration of love.

"What is this?"  He asked with a bit of an acquiring smirk on his face. " Is this for me?"

Yes she answered with the encouragement to go ahead and open it.   She waited with baited breath and her heart in her throat of his acceptance of her wisely chosen gift.  As he unwrapped each layer in a seductive fashion of intrigue and anticipation,   he did nothing ordinary every movement he made was fraught with deliberate emotion and attendance in the moment.  She was fascinated by his process.

As the last layer of paper was removed, the recognition over what she gave him began to sink in.  His eyes wide with gratitude began to ever so slightly darken as a very large tear erupted from his left eyelid.     "Why did you choose the Dragon?"   He asked in a constricted voice.

She sat stunned.  How could he know She even had to choose.  How could he know that She sat for hours between the Spider and the Dragon?  Why was she feeling such pain off him, like she some how choose wrongly.  What was going on?  She didn't understand what was happening.   Should she have chosen the spider?  What did this mean to the spirit of prophecy standing before her.

"Merlin, how could you know I sat so long in choice?"

"I just know my Love, I just know"  he said so sadly she could barely stand it.  Her choice hurt him this she now knew.  She couldn't know why yet, but she surely knew this was the end for them. She could feel it in every fiber of her being she was the one directing to plot of her life and this was a statement of intent.  She was about to switch tracks.

 So short lived the affair was but the prophecies that were to come next kept him alive for her over the next seven years.

Follow the White Rabbit For More Of Him...

Friday, November 18, 2016

The Dog Lover

I went to him yesterday.....

My Lover.

I couldn't stand the pain.  I needed relief.   We just walked his dog.  It was heaven.

And Now today I can function.....

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

My own Actions Crushed My Heart

Sometimes we listen to other people instead of our own hearts.

Thats the case here.

In my insecurities around falling madly in love with Mr. Beautiful Crazy I allowed in toxic information.  I allowed in a fear vibration that tore my heart away from Mr.  This is what they speak about staying in your heart and out of fear.  The Bible says it every where, the white lighters say it repeatedly and now I finally understand it.

I allowed an energy into my relationship with Mr. that tore the beauty of what we were creating apart.  I allowed the thoughts an opinions of lesser then energies in to infect my mind.  My insecurities found a way to manifest themselves in a self help kinda way.

Not all programs out there are programs to help us along on our journey.  They help many many people find the next step in their evolutionary trecks but they may be something you have already learned and mastered in another form and going back to that is like taking a step back into illusion.  Where it is someone else's light.  Does that make sense?  

I did that in this relationship.  I took a step back into the illusion, back into my insecurities and into letting someone outside of myself dictate how to move forward.  And it was the wrong move.

I cant say I regret where I am, because I cant  I am flourishing in my pain.  I could have been flourishing in my love instead but I was just not fully ready to walk in that light yet.  Just like the last time I moved into that light and wasn't able to hold it.   Sometimes the pain in our souls is so strong that it hurts to be in the light, it's scary to see our shadows.   I wasn't as supported as I needed to be within the relationship and I didn't know how to ask for that.

We are never on the wrong path and we are never creating anything Evil.  There is no such energy in the world only in the minds of those that need that paradigm to function within their realities.  Truly the Age of Aquarius is full acceptance of ALL that is.   I fucked up.  I am embarrassed and ridiculously heartbroken because of my lack of mind mastery, but I am not off path.

Before the Epic Burn, I was to launch into my own healing practice and I am to land on lot 12 in a lakeside community with an Eco friendly home and loving open clients visiting often.  I am very much on path for that still as I have taken all of my pain and plastered it into my web presence.  The clients I am attracting now because of the burn are also people in pain.  This is okay for me as it opens another level I can reach into and pull people out of.  I accept and honor where I am at and am humbled that my own actions put me here.

I wish I could just call him and fix all of this but I know that cannot be.  The damage was way to deep this time and the pattern closed.  The only way this could ever move forward is on a romantic front because I can no longer lie about how I am feeling and in truth that is what I was doing.  To him and to myself.

I am sick with pain and heart break.  I am the Twin that needs to do some work on my self esteem and insecurities.  To fall in love is to look so deeply in a mirror that you can fall in and get lost.   I fell to far and I broke it.  


My heart is crushing.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

The Dream

Last night when the voting was going on I felt such a long need to be near Mr. Beautiful Crazy.

  Wondering who he was feeling the shift with, if he was wondering the same about me.

 I miss him like crazy but at the same time know without a doubt he was not good for me.  Not anymore anyways.  He was at one time, but we shifted and it no longer felt right.   So its not that I longed for him back, I just worry about him still and do Love him ridiculously.

He came to me in my sleep.

 I am welling up with tears now.

 He just came and slept beside me was all.   I felt so much Love, but tons of pain as well.  I was at least the small spoon this time, but not close to me.  In my sleep within my sleep I gravitated into him and allowed myself to sink deep within.

It was heaven.  The peace I have when I am near that man is second to none.  He brings a calm over me that without him I struggle terribly.  It was what I needed after my energy picked up the Trump energy.  I was in relief for even a few second within the astral realm...  I needed that.

Then I heard him.   'Don't Do this'.

So loud in my ears but his lips didn't move.   'Don't Do this'  echo'd within my soul like a gong rang on a silent winters night.   The words brought so much pain.  Pain of separation, rejection and boundary crossing.  Pain of unworthiness and not loved enough.   It was so overwhelming i didn't move a muscle.

In the silence, i couldn't even breath, i waited for him to move, push me away, remove me from the situation...   He started kissing my collar bone instead.   My sigh of relief was not passionate or sexy it was one of desperation and relief.  i was embarrassed and pulled it in quickly in exchange for passion.

I woke up not shortly after that, three kisses into the majic and it was over.  Left feeling a mixture of you asshole narcissistic addiction leave me alone, and thank you Mr. for coming and making sure I was okay.

I am lost in the confusion of the world right now and the confusion of my own heart.  Like that popular song says......  I love him, I hate him.  

It's dark lonely times all around for people right now.  It is in our darkness's that we rise up and claim our lights.  This is for sure my time to shine in my own life..... its the only way for me to move forward.  The ONLY way.

I miss you Mr. Beautiful Crazy.
So Much.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Nasty Fork In the Road

Well Some times we end up taking turns we never seen coming.

That is the direction of this blog and my direction with Mr. Beautiful Crazy.  Never seen it coming until it was already too late and I ended up on a deserted road, a dead end.  For now anyways.

Time to move my focus into a new area and get creating because if I keep in this love vibration I will end up creating something Terrible for both me and him.  I want to believe in my heart that one day things will come back together for us, but in the meantime I need to stay in my heart and not fall victim to pain and suffering.

I am also going to take the Magdalene course again this winter.  I will need a place to process that.  So between my own healing and my own creations this blog should still just pop along!

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Awakening Shocks!

It is so odd the turn of events that happen in ones life and the power behind our own projections.

I have been giving some thought lately to what we project on to others and what others project on to us.  Have you ever said something to someone that wasn't really your style or energy of words to say.  A statement or a response to a question that you felt were not your true beliefs but they flowed effortlessly from your mouth anyways?

That is what living someone else's projections feel like.  We say or do something that is out of character for ourselves in the presence of someone who has a stronger energy force then us or who has a karmic lesson that needs to be played out and you were the person that agreed to play it out with them.

I have come to realize that I have been super imposing my desire for love and affection on a person who is enlightened on the same level as me.  It is hard for me to find love sometimes.   I am a highly sensitive person that can see things in people that most people do not care to know and yet my inability to hold that in to myself causes some huge issues with my fiends.  The reason I have such few people close to me.

I loved that Mr. Crazy beautiful could stay close to me.   That love however caused me to over look and create some seriously blaring red flags in our relationship.

This whole blog is a manifestation of that desire but apparently as I found out last night, not the truth of what was actually occurring in reality.

You see I would project so strongly my desires to be with him that he would say words or statements that he never felt comfortable saying but would in the presence of me.  He would act in ways that were uncomfortable for him in real time but camping or holidays he would allow to occur because they were out of context to his day to day life.  These were all my projections super imposed over his desires.

I am stronger energetically.

I always choose men weaker then me and then feel so shocked when I come to realize I have manipulated them in some form.  I really believed this guy was different.  I went out of my way to not control the friendship to allow it to develop on its own time in its own way.  I didn't understand how my energy was still leading his and he was getting so much out of it that he was okay to just follow suit.

I did study a bit about gas-lighting and how much of this was my work and how much does he need to assume responsibility for.  Cause true to my broken girl nature I do take responsibility for everyone part in the drama's we play together.  I am learning that not all of this is my creation that we co-create with the people around us.

Mr. Crazy Beautiful is an entrepreneur and an opportunist and will jump on a gravy train when he see's one.  I am a source of unlimited energy as I have learned to tap this.  Which is not entirely true because I have been drained out twice by this guy.   You would have thought I learned my lessons then.

So once and for all Mr. Beautiful Crazy is out of my life and I am not sure now what that means for this blog.   I am not sure I really believe in twin flames anymore.  I was taught there are actually 144 manifestations of your twin.  Which brings that concept so high in the clouds that really it grounds it back into this reality as the concept of..... everyone plays a part in your drama.

So many my beliefs will just move into a place of enjoying this life and stop looking so deep for answers that are truly unnecessary to my Play on earth.

I knew that that big red screen and the hack job on this site last week was a message from someone looking out for me.   Mr. Crazy Beautiful was Hacking my soul.   Terrible feeling that one.  But the beauty of who I am.... I can just shut that shit off and move on.   People that say I have a letting go problem are sorely mistaken..... for that I am a master at!

So until next time happy days my friends!!

Follow The White Rabbit.....

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

To Give and Receive Love

Falling in love is not an easy path.   I am not sure why everyone wants to travel this.

I am sure the rewards are fantastic and even just the addictive feeling of happiness it brings are incredible.   ........ Ahhh,  But really I have struggled with addiction in the past and that part of the reward system of love feels kinda uncomfortable for me as well.

For me the Love part is the part that I can give to someone else from inside myself that makes me feel so great.   I love raising my children and loving them in a way that promotes strong healthy confident beings.   I enjoy having pets to feed and care for and give my time too.  Falling in love with another adult human has proven to be much more challenging however.

Maybe the human I chose has love receiving problems?  I know I sure do struggle with this myself.   I have come to learn giving love to oneself is paramount to even being able to enter into a real love relationship with another person.  It took me many many years to learn how to cultivate my own love.

Self love means taking care of one self and all their responsibilities in this life.  It means nurturing ones self and then giving that love we have bubbling up inside ourselves to another deserving human.    And I am doing all this...... so why is it so challenging for me?

I feel like he rejects my love on occasion.   Not all the time or I would not be in this situation with him.  I have dated many men that I knew without a doubt in the very beginning that they were emotionally unavailable and not ready to give or receive love.  Those men I dont spend time with.  This man, My Mr. Beautiful Crazy, he is someone who has absorbed my love like a sponge.

It was so much absorption that at one point in our recent past I had to put the breaks on because he was draining me and not returning as much of the love back.  Although he was giving me what I could handle at that time.  I didn't know then that when I felt like I was being used what was really happening was I was closed off to receiving.

Am I still closed off to receiving?    There is a very large part within me that feels like no body would want what I have to give.  Like my love is tainted or something and to give it to someone would infect them.

And truly the manifestation of that belief has trickled into this very website.   I have been hacked and a phisher or Malware has been attached to this page.  When I came to view my blog a couple days ago it was nothing but a red screen blocking my progress.  It is still that way today.  Writing here might be a bad idea for my old as the hills computer.

I do think I have a block to receiving love.  I can cultivate Love within myself because I read the books, took the advice and learned how to take care of myself.  I have a tremendous amount of love within me to give.  I just dont know how to keep the cycle of love going with another human being.  A cycle that I am learning through this relationship that is imperative to the growth of love within me.

As long as I reject the give and take of love, I will continue to manifest that through my Twin.  I have noticed how much of my wants, desires and past life experiences I have manifested into my Twins physical life and on his side it has been the same as well.  I am certain he too struggles with the give and take of love as well and this is as much his manifestation as it is mine.

I dont really even know how to conclude this topic or what to say further at this point.  My heart is sad today.   I feel blocked, yet oddly made aware of some other things about myself that I never knew.  Maybe this is just a pause in my life and this site to regroup and bring things back into a quiet balance.

Follow The White Rabbit....

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Coming Clean In Love

I love him so much.

It has been the longest, toughest, easiest, most enjoyable journey these past few years with my Mr. Beautiful Crazy.  

When he told me years ago that my crazy was beautiful I told my psychologist that I was seeing at the time of his statement.   The look in her eyes is what sealed the deal for me.  He was the man of my dreams.   She looked at me with a mixture of happiness and envy.  She was the same age as me and was beautiful, we felt very akin to each other.  I knew then that I had found something great in Mr. Beautiful Crazy.

It's been almost four years since him and I met and truly it feels like only a year.   Probably because we have moved at a turtles pace with a several months of runner mentality on both of our parts.   It really is true that twins run from each other.   For us it has happened several times, much more on my side then on his.

I think the reason runners run is because they cannot believe that this could be real or true so they get out before they find out that the their belief is the truth.  But then every time they settle down their twin seems to be there again.  That was the case with me anyways.  Every time I friends offed my Twin he was always there at the end of my little emotional fit.  He held no judgement and we just moved on.

This is why today I love him so much.  He allowed me to be and to go through what I needed to in order to clear the energetic binds holding me back.  And not that they are all cleared yet, but now I am learning to deal with them within the friendship.

I say friendship with a bit of venom on my tongue.   Four years seems so fast because we are still in the friendzone and not because we are actually just friends because in full truth we are not.  However Mr. needs to take it that slow because I am still struggling with sleeping with every man that throws some affection my way.   Hence the Lovers thread of this blog.

I am coming down and finally into my healthy authentic self, but it has taken a very long time and many scraped up knees to get here.   Very broken little girl I was.  Regardless of what all the teachers and healers out there say, and I can say this because I too am a healer, your past needs to be worked through before you can move forward and for most people no amount of counselling, hypnotherapy, pain, or lessons will clear your past until you are truly ready to let go.  I found I only became truly ready when placed in my path was the perfect man and in order to be with him I needed to come to him clean.

He still hasn't kissed me.

We have had 'sex' yes, but we have not really made love because he cannot reside there with me yet.... why?  Cause I cannot settle into that place.  I do not know that place, I have never experienced it.   This is why its four years and still a friendship because it has taken me that long and still going for me to come to a place of allowing myself to let go of the past that has held me so tightly bound that it has been killing all my creations and my chance at any sort of happiness.

I am starting to let go now because my love for him is getting stronger then my pain.   My love is growing and it is squeezing out the darkness.   It is only through real love, not the mind trick white lighters with their affirmations present to you, but real true love that sets you free.

I am learning it is not the love of my Mr. that is setting me free, its my desire to love him even more then what I have currently to give that is setting me free.   You would think it was the love for my children that would have brought me to this place.  Truly they have brought me very very far along that path of self love but it is this incredibly beautiful man that is bringing me the distance I truly want to go.

It is in that love that I find the confidence to face my demons and speak the truth of who I am and what I want in this life.   I want to be a great mother, which I know I am already.  I want to fall madly in love with a man and live out a story book life with them, which is on the agenda.  And I want to become a wonderful speaker/healer that leads women like myself out of the darkness and into the light, which again is already in play.

With the awakening my twin is bringing to me, I am starting to believe I can supersede all of these things because where before I had the knowledge, now I have the feelings.

Today I am so grateful and.... I am in LOVE.

Follow the White Rabbit....

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Absence makes the heart grow fonder!!

I went on a fast from my Lover at the beginning of the month.   It is 18 days in and I have decided I can no longer be separated energetically from him anymore.   However in that three weeks we were both very mindful of our energies connected and unconnected to each other, we both learned a tremendous amount about boundaries and keeping our own energy clear.

The connection between twin flames is crazy.

 I can feel so much of what is going on for him even the stuff that he would rather me not know and it is those true real feelings of his that hurt me so deeply sometimes.  I have a few insecurities around romantic relationships, I cant hold him responsible for my feelings in this, but him blocking me from those feelings of his that invoke the lesser feelings in me, is a good practice to get into.   Two empaths falling in love, it's almost a prerequisite if you are to go anywhere together.

Now that he has had time to look into his own energy he too has come to some pretty great realizations over how my energy effects him as well.

I think it is very easy for twin flames to get so wrapped up in their combined energy that they risk losing the real purpose behind the union in the first place.   And that is not to get lost in each other but to empower the other to move forward at a more exhilarated rate on ones own life path.   Now I am certain my life path is becoming Mr. Beautiful Crazy's path.   We are walking in the same direction and want the same things out of life, so naturally we are creating a shared vision.  but where the getting lost comes into play is when we both want to sit and fantasize and revel in the glory of what we could create instead of moving forward and applying the 'work' to make it happen.

That is why I needed to cut energetic ties for the month.  I needed to get my energy levels back up and ground into my personal purpose and feelings for myself.  I was losing them in light of how great Mr. Beautiful Crazy felt to me.  And he was losing the same pieces of himself on his side.

Now that I have been in my own energy for three weeks I feel like I am missing him to much to deny.  At first the feelings were pretty obsessive in nature.  As a drug addict mentality base for me that is a pretty scary feeling to think he is nothing more then an obsession for me.   So that first week was refreshing to be free from that energy it was also very saddening to think that was all he was too me, an addiction.  

The second week brought about this deep deep deep desire to be near him.  Not so much sexually, but to be close to him.  I fantasized marrying him and loved the fantasy so much.   I have obviously dreamed of my great big wedding that I never had with my husband but I usually cut those dreams off quickly as its not really my true desire to walk that path.  However the more I allowed myself to go into the vision with Mr.  the more in love and happy I felt.  So that whole week I allowed my fantasies to run wild.

And they were truly great.  I was truly happy in them.    I could create that with him if that was the path he wanted to explore.   I have never been willing to go there since leaving my Ex.    I can feel the growth within me.

So this week I have allowed the universe..... My higher power to just guide me where I need to be.

I dont feel like him and I are two halves of a whole, but I do feel with him in my life I get so much more accomplished.  That is of course when I hold my boundaries and when I keep my energy clear and free of toxins that I see now actually hurt both of us and through this experiment he too has come to understand energy on a new level and how he must keep his side of the street clean as well if we are to move forward on our combined mission together.

Twins must ground and stay authentic to themselves.

Twins must stay present with the patterns and the old beliefs that come up to the surface of the relationship.  These patterns must be cleared in order for the path to continue to wind along side each other.  When I go into seclusion (as this was not the first time I have cut energy with him)it is because my path is winding away from his or vice versa.  Seclusion is my connection to my god to get guidance whether that separate path is a better one or both of us, or not.

It takes strength to be able to walk away from a loved one if you know that they are going to better for it.   I can only gather that strength if I know for certain what direction to take, and I can only find that certainty by grounding into myself and my own destiny separate from my twins.

I know now where I need to go and what needs to happen in order to achieve my dreams... and I am certain it is along side of one of the most beautiful men I have ever had the lucky chance of meeting and falling in love with.

Follow The White Rabbit...

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Energy Sharing Trap

Getting trapped in each others energy.

This is a conversation I had with a friend this morning.   When we get into an intimate relationship with someone,  if we connect on an energetic level we can get trapped in each others energy fields.

I have come to understand through my womb clearing and Yoni healing journey I have been on this year, just how much energy our bodies take on from a partner who connects into us physically.   For men this is normally just kept to a physical nature even though they too pick up the emotional residue of their partner.  For a woman however we can easily become energetically bound to that partner and thus him to us if we are strong enough to slay his spirit.  Most of us do this without even knowing that is what we are doing.

I am on a 31 day fast from Mr. Beautiful Crazy.

I needed to break the energetic connection him and I share.   I am one of those women that have slain his spirit and he doesn't even know it.   And if he does know it and is okay with it, I am not.

You see when people share energy, they share everything in their collective consciousness.  That means you can begin to create each others dreams, or nightmares if thats where the combined energy is at,  Thankfully our energy is with the creating stage.... however what we are creating I am not sure if it is at my liking.

Cutting cords with each other and communications and astral ties has proven to be very effective even within these first four days.   It's hard not having his physical presence to rely on for a dumping ground for my feelings to be numbed back into blissful sedation by the man I love deeply.  It's hard coming to these hard truths that his words say he wants to be just friends but my actions keep taking us further into things.  Its hard knowing his energy loves my energy but his physical body does not love mine.

These are only truths that I can see once I step away from the addiction.

There is a fine line between obsession and Love.  There is a fine line between having your energy tied to another for profit or pain.   These are such subtle influences that one rarely notices the shifting point at all.   I remember an experience I shared with a friend once who just found out the love of her heart had slept with another woman.  Her deeply heart wrenching sobs after a few moments shifted to a cry of desperation and growing void of feeling.  She shut herself down mid cry and from that point on the relationship became one of creating each others nightmares.

We share each others energies when we become intimate with each other.  We lock into each other on a deeper connection when we open up to each other.  And even deeper still when we become entirely vulnerable to another we meld with that energy and make it our own.

The Energy that Crazy and I share is one of friendship.  He wants it to stay at a friendship and my energy is and always has been much further then that, or better said on an entirely different track then that.  He has been willing to give up the friendship several time to hold his place in the friendzone and has tolerated and even went along with all my fantasies of us becoming more.   It's time I let that go now.

I have no desire to let his friendship go but I shall put up boundaries and move him back into the place he chooses to be and that is just friends.  I must accept this.  I must let go of his energy and let him move into the life he desires for himself and I must move into the life I wish for myself.   I need to not re-attach his energy after it has been severed.

This is going to probably be one of the hardest things for me to do in my adult years.   Letting go of the last of my addictive patterns and obsessive natures.   Good bye to chaining a man..... Hello to inviting one in instead.

Follow the White Rabbit....

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Cease and Withdraw

Give up the need to know where the relationship is going.

That is a piece of advice that Christian Carter in his, Catch him and Keep him online book states.   Its a piece of advice that I have been seriously not adhering to before hearing it.  I have nagged, pushed, manipulated and out right ultimatum Mr. Beautiful Crazy.

My escapades with all the other lovers I now see where my way to hurt him and draw him out at the same time.  It worked but as Christian says it will only work for a short time and not without resentment.  I see that clearly now.

I dont know how to fix the damage I have done.   I dont know how to change my behavior or how to stop needing to have some security within this friendship.  I am still wanting to pick fights and push him away.  And i dont know why.

My mind cries that it wants a partner but my heart seems to run away from that very same idea.  I am in conflict with my own self.  I dont know how to fix that.  I dont know how to be in my heart and to let my mind settle there.... or how to pull my heart into what my mind wants.

They say trust your heart, but I am not sure that is accurate at all.   My heart is ridiculously scared.  Its my mind and the logic that see's reason and understands my life will be so much better with a partner in my life.  And this particular partner as well.

However maybe it is yet again just a mind thing I am creating and truly my heart is not here because it knows it does not belong here with him.

I guess the more I write and the more I spin around this idea the deeper my hole will go and the harder it will be for me to get out of.   My higher power knows where I am to go in my life and I trust that my higher power will lead me there and through the people she needs to in order for my growth to occur.

I let go once again the outcome of this particular relationship.  If it is meant to be then it will be what it needs to be.  I will walk through what it is I need to walk through and will rise up to the occasions my higher power sets up for me.   I know this to be my truth because it has proven itself to me over and over again.

So I give up the need to know where this relationship is going and I give up any of my rights to manipulating it to fit the security my ego needs.  My higher power knows how I feel and will lead me accordingly.

.....And if after four years I am still in the friend zone it might be high time to realize that this is the only place I will ever be.  ..... And that maybe it is indeed my own heart that will never be any further along then friends.

Follow The White Rabbit...

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Fall In Love and Let Go of the Dead Leaves

Staying present with all your feelings and all the belief systems and the bottom of the barrel patterns that come up to be cleared, during the courtship falling in love phase of a relationship is one of the toughest things to achieve for me.

I want to friends off, I want to fight, lash out, act out and all manners of hurt him in my confusion and pain as I travel down this path of falling in love.  I have scrapped my knees so many times I am not sure there is any more skin left on them.

Back in the spring I participated in this intense healing course, during which time Mr. Beautiful
Crazy made a comment about taking our relationship to the next level.  I was so excited about this that I went out and slept with someone else.


Yup.  thats correct.  I was so excited I went and fucked another guy.  Gave away all the emotional goods I was storing up for Mr. Beautiful to some random little hottie.   Why, oh why would I do such a thing?

Cause I lack emotional self control.   Emotional intelligence and sexual control are these arch nemesis of mine and they are sent here to destroy any chance at happiness I am destined to have.

It's now months and months and months later.  Mr.  Beautiful still loves me but has me at arms length and is still very angry at me even if he wont say it out loud.   So in retaliation I have fucked even more men.

Hmmmmm.... doesn't seem like the right path does it?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Staying present with all the patterns from my past has been one hell of a journey with this guy.  No other man would have stayed my friend through out this.  No other man would have been strong enough to endure the insults I have flung at him.  No other man would have ever loved me enough.

But how much is enough?  At what point will he decide I am too broken and too sick for him to continue to walk forward with?  At what point will he just say fuck it and disappear from my life?   Or will it be a torturous arms length race instead?  A life time of punishment and torture, like a  carrot of greatness always hanging just out of the balance of my reach?

It's time I cut the boy toys out of my life.  Its time I re balance myself and let go of these patterns of shame and guilt.  Its time I let the dead leaves of my families self pity of me go.   It's just plain and simply time to let go.

It is autumn now.  What was started in spring is now being reaped and rewarded to me.  I worked hard this summer and I am tired.  It is time to FALL into love and let go of the dead leaves.  It is just time.

Follow White Rabbit....

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Journey Into Sehkmet

I am 42 today!

Every Year on my birthday I ask for the guidance of a Goddess.  An energy that I will walk with that year.   This year That Lovely Goddess will be Sehkmet!

I have walked with her before.  Seven some years ago, and for a couple of years.  However I dont think I really integrated her teachings at that time, so when she showed up this morning as my patron Goddess for this year I was a bit surprised albeit happy, as I do Love this Goddess dearly.

Nine years ago I walked into a tattoo shop and asked for a print on the back of my neck.  I didn't know what it was I was going to get I just knew I wanted something.  I looked through the artists portfolio and I came across the Eye of Horus and that was it, I was sold and within an hour I walked out of that shop a marked woman.

I didn't know it at the time, but it was actually Sehkmet that marked me.  She claimed me then and this entire journey has been one for her.   This feels like the year that I rise up into what I had set out to achieve all that time ago.  It took a full nine year cycle to gain all the personality traits necessary for me to step into the power of who I am.   

It took all this time for me to settle into and relax within my own sovereign power.  It took all this time to disconnect from the sickness of men, to drain the life force of that shadowy serpent within me that kept me bound to chains of illusion.

I am in a 2 year for numerology.... it is the year my voice gets heard.    I am ready to Be Strong, I am ready to put my training into action.  I am ready to go to battle!!  It is time for this Kitty to turn into a Lioness!

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Happy 42 From Pan

I come from a pretty messed up emotional back ground.  My mother is completely shut down emotionally, I think the label for that is a Sociopath.  Growing up so disconnected from my own feelings due to childhood stuff I find connecting with people terribly hard.

Its not that I don't have feelings, cause I surely do, I would label myself an Empath or a Highly sensitive person... I feel not only my stuff but everyone's stuff as well.  Until the times comes to let my heart get close to someone.... then I shut down.

Now I am sure that is fairly normal of someone who has been hurt.  I can see it in many people around me.  They shut off their real emotions when they get involved with someone, be it a close friend or a lover, or they become hyper active in those feelings and overwhelm the other person and thus shut down the others feelings.

This is all stuff I am learning and am not sure that I fully understand yet.  I dont know what happens in me but I do know that I cannot force feelings and some feelings are so stupid ridiculous with the wrong people.

I had a date last night.

And not with Mr. Beautiful Crazy.

Its a new Lover on the scene.  I met him a couple months back when I was manic and running away from my feelings for Mr. Beautiful.  We had a really great night and then that was it,  he went off fishing and I settled back into my uncomfortable feelings for a man who still holds me at arms length.

Until this week, the week of my 42 birthday.  Happy birthday to me... Sept 11.  Terrible day to have been born on but what can you do, I was there first.    So this week He started messaging me because he was back in town and he wanted to see me right away.   This Lover also has A Miss. Beautiful Crazy in his life.   She is his best friend and he is not attracted to her..... Like my Mr. has stated with me in the past.

Its all so confusing to my little brain.   I am trying to just learn how to open up to love and I have hooked into three Aquarius men.... terrible company to feel solid in a relationship.   These men are very in the moment and will say and do anything in that moment, but once the moment passes so do their feelings.  Leaving you wondering what you did wrong.  Well to this Virgo Lover anyways.

But with three of these men in my life I cannot deny the universe is trying to teach me something.  I have tried many times to pull away from My Mr.  And my one Aquarius lover is from high school, 30 years of booty calls with that guy.  No denying I am to learn something deep from these men.  Just what that is I am not sure at this point.

Last night when I was with my ridiculously tall ginger who I am gonna name Pan, all I could think of was My Mr.   How when Mr. Beautiful Crazy touches me, my whole body lights up no matter where and what is going on.  But Pan working me over was doing nothing for me.  Yet I dreamt all night of Pan and meeting his family and how great a couple we made and how much he loved me and I him.  I have never dreamt of a guy in that way that soon before.   The whole interaction with Pan has been God driven and I cannot doubt he is meant to be in my life in some way.

But he makes me miss My Mr. and love my Mr. even more.

Which in turn makes me sad.  And yet strangely attractive.  Mr.  Beautiful feels like a small part of him has stepped up his game with me, but the other part of me struggles real hard to stay in reality and to see what is actually occurring and not what i want to see occurring.  Learning to be in the moment Like my Aquarian lovers are teaching me is the hardest thing for this girl to do.   All i see is the future in every step i take.  That is a terrible place to be.

So as my 42 birthday dawns at midnight tonight I think i will set the intent that this year is a year of the current moment and nothing more and nothing less.  Fully immersed in the moment without thoughts of yesterday, tomorrow, other lovers, other anythings.... just this moment and how this moment is serving me.  We always hear those stories about people that almost lose their lives in a split second and how they came back to teach life is valuable and we waste far too much of it caught up in the could be's and what were's that we lose sight of the what is now.  

And right now I am drinking me coffee and about to crawl into my bed for a cat nap before heading off to the job site for the afternoon.   Thank you for listening to my ramblings today.  One day i will have my thoughts and feelings worked out..... one day.

Monday, August 29, 2016

The Spell Of the Twins

By Knot of One,
This Spell Is Restrung

By Knot Of Two
Our Next Step Through

By Knot of Three
Let Us and God Be in Harmony

By Knot of Four
Guide Us Through The Door

By Knot of Five
We Shall Both Thrive

By Knot of Six
Spin Love Into The Mix

By Knot of Seven
This Spell Will Leaven

By Knot of Eight
Within The Flow We Will Create

By Knot of Nine
From Water to Wine, Let it Reverse
Now is That Time!


Follow the White Rabbit.....

Friday, August 19, 2016

Miss me To Love Me

He needs to miss me.    I mean, I have to let him miss me.

I have been reading blogs about Twin flames and Empath lovers and I came across this great question posted by  a sad lady in a once great empath relationship.   Her question was how to keep the energy clear and good and not fall into a dark place together where its impossible to get out of.

I think truly that all romances face this whether empathic or not, but when high frequency connections are also at play it does become of the utmost importance to keep your energy clear if you want to stay off that static path.

I wanted to tell her to go have angry sex.

But I didn't.  Angry sex would work though.  it would release the lower vibration through a great naughty orgasm and leave them both in each others loving embrace.  But I didn't post that.  People find my solutions a bit too left field I am finding.

But back to letting Mr. Beautiful Crazy have some time away from me so he can miss me.   This is a new awareness that sparked over the past couple days.  The original reason for pulling energies back is so that we could both focus on our own lives as we tend to get very drawn into each other very deeply and really accomplish nothing when hooked in.  

So I taught him how to clear his chakra's and how to block my energy and how to contain his own.  That has been a wonderful lesson this past few weeks.  Elevated our relationship tenfold.   I am free to joke with him now as we are not so sensitive to each other.   It's truly great.

But now why the missing me part?

We text each other all day long everyday.  truly its quite ridiculous I am sure or maybe its not, but for our minds to be tied up that much into each other is too overwhelming for us.  But to stay tethered is a must.

We truly are miserable without each other......  and thats not a "We are both afraid to be alone" kind of miserable.... no its more like all our gifts leave us and we are kinda lifeless without each other.  We can be happy and even thrive, but its without super powers and incredible highs.  Neither one of us want to go back to that life, we want each other, we want the better version of ourselves.

I am trying to shift the relationship out of Super Natural Twin Flame Union stuff into something more tangible and real.   So I am learning how to flirt.

Ugh.  I said it.  Yup I am learning how to flirt.  How to be Cute and Coy.  How to invoke his deepest man instincts,  to want to ravage me.   Boys are so simple I am learning.  They need to know whats in it for them, as soon as they have that motivation they are all yours, on all levels.

I have Mr. Beautiful Crazy on so many levels it is ridiculous.  We are so crazy connected I can barely stand the connection sometimes.   But I haven't been able to turn him on.  Like Fuck, for real, he couldn't see me in that way no matter how I tried to explain the elevation our relationship would take if we could go there.  I felt like Amy Farrah Fowler with my explanations.    

And its not my features, I have ran out and physically experienced this many multiple times since meeting him two year ago..... men are attracted to me, this I am comfortable with.  But  two years later I still sit in the friend zone.  A wild in love friend zone that life times together has been discussed, but friend zone none the less.   My lips are not okay with this.

This guy could be my forever, he really could and most likely is....    If I could get him to have angry sex with me!!     lol   Not a joke even.

 That is mad passion to be ravaged like that.  But in order to get there he has to be wildly turned on by me.

So above all the superficial stuff that he may need, there needs to be some space.... some time away.... he needs to want you, miss you.... then NEED you.

Do I fear he will just find some easy chick like I used to be to fill the need?   Yup, I sure do.  He has  talked about it before, with his landlady below him who is ten years younger then him.  Yup I worry about that, it could happen.   But fuck that, he is so into me that he would want to save that for me.

The guy loves me, this I do not doubt.  In so many ways he loves me.   He WANTS to love me in that way as well.

So I am giving him space, not texting ..........and talking to you instead.   I actually even feel good and excited about this, of course its only a few moments into my .....a 'la resistance'.

So maybe I will stay and lurk around here for a bit.  

Follow The White Rabbit.....