Sunday, June 8, 2014

In Walks My kNight


I could remember the first time I laid eyes on him.

It was an evening where my life was falling apart and coming together all at the same time.  I had just gotten home from the bar.  A bit of a party girl back then.  Three sheets to the wind I realized I had lost my cell phone sometime between girly prepping at my friends apartment and lap dancing the guy at the Country Bar.  Losing my cell phone put me in sheer panic mode, because lets be honest being without my texting connections for any amount of time was devastating concept. Goddess forbid someone important tried to get a hold of me!!!   I hopped on my old lap top desperate for cyber connection, to feel comforted again.

And..... He was there.

On the other end of my Msn nudge of desperation, he was there.  I called him Merlin.  Its not his real name of course, but it is more fitting for this story then the one his beloved, now living in Heaven, mother gave him.

 I was over joyed that he is there.  I was a mess.  He is soothing.  I had been longing to meet him since our first email interactions where he swept me off my computer chair with his witty words of charm and intelligence.  A month had gone by since.   Ignoring the butterflies threatening to fly out of my mouth, I ask him to come over. I really want to meet the person, in person, who has invoked such feelings of excitement in me.  ......Longing. ...... Re-awakened my passion for living.  The man who over the phone and computer has displayed absolutely ever attribute I have ever painted in my perfect man vision.  It is time to see if the energy he portrays matches all he has become in my imagination.

He agree's to come over.

Now the butterflies erupt from my belly and fill the space between the four walls of my kitchen with flutters of nervous excitement.   Rushing around my tiny little apartment I clean up the careless messes of the past week. Socks and underwear on my bathroom floor, wet towel that lies there in its sad wet pile.  Dirty dishes get thrown in the fridge.  My head is spinning and I can barely see, alcohol still cursing me, but scurry around my apartment I did.

Until the breath caught in my throat, through my window, I saw him.

There he was, standing on the sidewalk along the street out in front of my yellow Victorian apartment.  I stopped and tried to catch my breath.  Time did that whole freeze thing as we locked eyes and were both transported into a dimension not of either of our understandings.  I wondered if he was feeling this too.

As I observed him, my lungs slowly let out a deep sigh of appreciation.  He was tall, dark and handsome.  Such a cliche, but damn this man was fine with a capital F.     Fuck, I was in trouble.  Men of this quality always had a way of leading me down dark paths.  I could see his Spanish mother in him, his deep tanned colored skin blended with the back drop of the night.  The German of his father pierced out of his serious eyes.  He stood there with authority, I could tell this man was very rarely trifled with.  Such a strong character compared to the sweet emails and phone calls they had exchanged.

My adrenaline was pumping and my excitement mounting.

Quickly I rushed down the three flights of stairs to the front door, before I lost my courage and hid under my bed instead.  In my rush to get the apartment ready for company I had forgotten to check myself in the mirror.  Suddenly becoming acutely aware with each descending foot fall that I was still in my bar star clothes.   I ran my hands over my hand-me-down baby Phat fitted grey denim dress, hoping the sleeveless low back cut was not to trampy and that there hadn't been anything spilled on it over the course of the evening.  Or worse hopefully I hadn't sat in anything.   My panic over what I looked like began to take hold and I almost turned back around up the stairs to go look in my mirror,

Except it was too late.   I was already at the front door and he was standing on the other side of it admiring at me through the small window.

Another dead stop in time.  I froze, mid step.   Locking eyes, I drank in the moment as if wanting to savor every single second.  It was surely the strangest feeling I had ever had with another human being.  I just could not seem to get enough of this man before I even fully met him physically.


 Maybe I knew then it was the beginning of the end.

Finally I pulled myself away from his magnetic gaze to open the door and let him through the threshold.  As he crossed to my side I could smell his deep musk and felt the tingling vibrations of his energy.  His smile was light and inviting, his eye's warm and swimming.  "Good Evening"  He charmed.  I was elated that his speech matched his emails.  This was the man I had hoped he would be and more.... I was soon too learn, oh.. so much more.

I turned and lead the way up to my apartment.  The longest three flights of stairs, ever!  I could feel his Spirit drinking in my body.  I almost could feel his eyes running through my shoulder length brown hair, which.... omg!  I hadn't even brushed!!  I could feel his breath caressing my bare back and his smile warm my legs.  The entirety of my body was pulsing with his energetic caresses, feeling faint I considered what would happen if this man kissed me, I would surely pass out!   I heard his giggle under his breath as he pointed out the broken heel on my black thigh high boots.  Shit!  I must have snapped it running like a banshee down the steps.   I didn't even want to know what my make up looked like.

Its too late now anyways he has seen me at my finest.  I should have been feeling deflated and maybe even embarrassed by now, but I wasn't.  Feeling vulnerable and exposed instead,  it felt new and exciting.  This man brought out these layered emotions in me, I could not describe it even if I had tried.  All the things that would make me feel awkward before made me feel empowered and special somehow.

Well that is,  Until in my apartment he stepped on a piece of lettuce that had fallen out of my donair I had wolfed down when I got home from the bar.  Ugh.  Now I was embarrassed.  Mildly.  To focused  on the fine specimen of a man in my apartment, everything else easily slipped from my worry meter.

Becoming aware of the fact that I had just invited him up into my sparsely furnished apartment, the worry meter kicked in after all.  A bachelor suit in the attic of a 100 year old home in the shadiest part of the city.  A moment of concern, self pity and doubt invaded my mind.  Like a dementor from a Harry Potter Movie, sucking all my happiness away.  I began to second guess my decision to invite him over.

This was all so new for me, I didnt know how to date or what the etiquette or protocol was for situation likes this.  Married at 17 for fifteen years, I was way out of my comfort zone.   New to single life, I didn't know what to do next.

He did.

He sat down on the only furniture I had, a kitchen table and two miss matched chairs, and easily started talking.

He was just like his emails.  Soon my nerves began to settle and I joined him in conversation.  We naturally picked up where we left off with the written words and we continued late into the night.

We talked about all things magical, whimsical, mythical and fantastical.  He shared his life story of growing up in Mexico, losing his mother at the ripe age of 8 and being born on a German plane landed on Mexican soil.  I sat attentive and mesmerized by his story telling capabilities, I was captivated by his accent.  This man could not be more interesting and exotic to me.  He was everything I was not, he had an eventful life.  He reminded her of Forrest Gump in his travels and adventures. I was melting into a pool of comfort, safety and peace as he lavished me with wisdom and charm. I in turn bantered the ball back with a new sense of female flirty confidence.  I simply loved conversation with him.

Dreamily I fell into his cosmic energy.

And this is where I wished I had stayed.

Follow the White Rabbit...

More of Him:


Saturday, May 31, 2014

Prelude: The Beginning of the End

He found himself traveling the world.

He was on a genealogy quest, hunting the globe for long lost family members. Family was of the utmost importance to him.  After his mother moved on from this world when he was still a boy, his family scattered to their own private cocoons of comfort. To the farthest corners of the planet.   Now that he was a man, he desired to bring them back together again.

Fueled as well with an insatiable desire to drink in all the worlds cultures on his quest, he enjoyed his travels. 101 countries and still collecting stamps, his desires took him from Mexico, to Germany, to Spain; around the globe he trotted.

Living off the land, stumbling upon some amazing experiences and taking random jobs here and there, he experienced both sides of life. There were times where he went weeks without food and had only the rats to keep him company deep in the sewers of the richest country's.  Yet, there were also times when he was magically embraced in the highest of a society and deemed untouchable, a society that allowed him the luxury of living in a mansion with his own servants and driving a Jag.

Through out all the countries, all the levels of wealth, he never got caught up in situations that could possibly tie him down.   He never allowed himself to get attached to material objects or people. Always the lone wolf, he preferred it that way.  He had one focus only, find his brother and re-unite him with his father.  Family.

 However, one girl did catch his attention.

That was ten years ago, and that door was tightly shut now. He didn't want to discuss it, all that was needed to know was,  He found love and he choose to leave love. No drama, no regrets, no lessons to learn. It was fun while it was there and the memory is enough, but it was his memory and only his. He will never share that. That was long ago and there has been no one since.  He liked himself better, alone.

China, Indonesia and Saudi Arabia. Meeting amazing people and making life long acquaintances.  A smart man he knew that when life throws you curve balls you need friends in high places and as well in low ones.  You could say he was a master of disguise.  He could roll with any crowd, and did. He did create some enemies along the way though, big ones.  The kind of nemesis that throw you those curve balls.

 However, there is no where in this world that he is not welcomed. Contemplating this, he finds himself feeling alone.

Something is stirring with him.

The life of a nomad is what he chooses for himself. It suits him. He can go where he wants, when he wants with no one to answer to. Nothing holding him back, nothing confining him. He is a strange character, not willing to share himself with anyone. He keeps everyone at arms length and is always watching over his back. Protection of ones’ self is his key concern in life, but suddenly as if out of no where he longs for something. Something deep within him is calling out and he cannot hear what it is, or maybe he is refusing to listen.

Pushing it to the side he goes on with his search.

Over the ocean to the United States he travels, moving north he finds himself in the cold white tundra. Upon arriving in this country he found out quickly that it was a dead end for his family search. There was no more world to search, his brother does not want to be found. Time to turn around and head home. Back to his father who needs him.

Yet, something is pulling at him.

Always one to trust his hunches, He finds himself tied to the earth in this specific town, in this beautiful abundant country. Maybe he will stay for a bit.

As with every other country, he found himself a job very quickly and began making acquaintances.  It looked like in this country it would be a high life for him.  He liked it.

But.....There was still that lingering feeling like a bad stench that wont go away, something was missing. Or something that he was missing.  He found it increasingly gnawing at him.

After a year of working, networking and exploring the wintry countryside, he found himself questioning what he was doing here?   What was he waiting for?  He went with his hunch and stayed, but it has been over a year and nothing is happening.  Life has become mundane and he has become restless. News of his fathers ailing health solidifies the decision to move on.   He bought a plane ticket home, he will be home for Christmas and he will settle down.

He will stop searching.


She was 15 years deep into her marriage when she realized she was miserable.

Her husband was a wonderful father to their three children, he was a good provider and her best friend. A perfect man some would say, and she was certain a few of her friends harbored secret crushes on him, which always made her smile. She lived a good, middle class life; a life she and her husband had worked very hard to build. Three beautiful well rounded kids, a welcoming home, decent vehicles and a beloved dog and a parrot named Sam. Who would complain about that? She had the fairy-tale life. However, when her friends commented about how wonderful her relationship with her husband was, a small part of her died inside.

She worked long hours, helping people made her feel better. When she wasn't working she found herself at the bar lavishing in the attention from sexy men. It was not the excitement of this taboo behavior she craved, but going home to her drab, monotonous life kept her going back for the alternate attention. At work however, she found herself moving up the corporate ladder quickly. Moving up the ladder meant promotions and moves to other cities.

A move to a new city! This was it, this was her answer. To bring the passion and spice back to her relationship, this move, the new city, will bring the thrill and spark back and help mend the tears in the marriage. With excitement she accepted the promotion, and suddenly her mind moved to all the wonderful things this meant. New fresh romance, passion, new things to experience together as a couple in a new city, maybe new things to share and more to gain in common! Yes, she thanked her lucky stars for this opportunity.

The promotion has some sacrifices, however. Six months in another city without her family. At first the thought was unbearable, away from her babies? As she chewed it, it became an opportunity. Being away from her kids meant many things. It gave her husband a chance to taste how hard she worked at home, it also gave her kids a chance to appreciate her. It also gave her a chance to get her act together, maybe being without them will show her how lucky she is. The marriage side of things would surely improve as well, absence makes the heart grow fonder! This is exactly what her marriage needed. A break. This is exactly what she needed. A break.

For six months she worked, ate and slept. She was back in her old home town and found herself visiting old friends and going out quite a bit. At first she found the freedom to be exciting and fun, but after a couple of weeks she wanted to go home. This was not fun, this was not what she wanted. Yes, here was her revelation, this was exactly what she needed to remind her of how much she loved her family. She spent the next five months fantasizing about all the great things her and her husband would do now, all the things they would have in common. The heights of passion they were about to embark on kept her going on those long lonely days.

Another transfer to a brand new city brought her back into her families arms. In a new city, back with some old friends who had also relocated there, great jobs. Perfection?

Once her children were settled into there new rooms that first night, she found herself in her husbands arms. The familiar feel of his biceps was very welcoming. As her husband went to kiss her however, a sensation of revolt so strong came across her, that the kiss ended abruptly.

It felt like she had just French kissed her brother! What was going on? Ignoring it she went back to the kiss and endured it in silence. Later that evening, her husband began to catch on that something was not right between them. He desperately sought out her eyes for the answers, and she knew she had to face the facts.

Looking into her husbands concerned face she assured him everything would be okay. She knew it was a lie, but she did not know what else to say. It was at that moment she realized her marriage was over and there was nothing more she could do to save it. She knew now that the attempt to save it by moving was a feeble last avoidance of the truth.  She just didn't love him.  She felt crushed.  

She decided she will wait till after Christmas to break the news.  She could hang on for a couple more months for the kids....

or so she thought.  

With just two months until Christmas, she has this uncontrollable urge to end it now. She felt like she was beginning to slowly suffocate. Anxiety began to build.   She cant wait.

She cannot describe it, nor understands it, but she knows she cannot argue with it. It's Panic. It is too strong. She tries to ignore it, but each day the need gets stronger.  Like a wave trying to get her attention.... washing over her, and again and again.  

She needs out  Now or she is going to drown. 

 Upon getting off work one day she finds herself on auto pilot. Driving home she knows what she is about to do, and there is nothing that can be done to stop it at this point. In to the house she walks, straight towards her husband. Standing before him, completely void of emotion she asks for a divorce.

Two months before Christmas she finds herself scared, single and alone. Completely unsure of why all the urgency......

Follow the White Rabbit.....

More of Him...