I have experienced a lot of years on this earth and I have mastered certain things within myself over the past seven-year cycle and one of those things is my mind and how my thoughts work. I am a hypnotherapist for crying out loud!! Yet every time I try to eradicate you from my life in the pursuit of a new adventure you keep lurking loudly in the near background of my mind and my heart.
Why can I not let you go? Why is it you that still makes me happy even though you are not here?
Why is it that you bring me comfort in a time of my life that is blossoming and becoming something greater then I have ever known? How come I still need this creative avenue even though its what I identify as my sanity for the past seven years.... because we all know I have had very little sanity in those times!!
Can I not let this phase of my life go, or is the only part that is supposed to come along with me?
Do we burn all the bridges of our past when we move from one cycle to the next?
I know without a doubt it has been the only way I could move forward. By physically removing all people, places and things that I associated with that past cycle I could let go with more ease. How come that is not the same here? Is this different? Was he always supposed to be my future and that is why I truly, truly, truly cannot let go?
Am I still just batshit crazy?
I was with my ex-husband for two seven-year cycles, that last cycle was surely a not meant to be because it was a bit hellish. For him mostly, I took every opportunity I could to grow and move away from who I was in that relationship(I hated myself, 250lbs of misery). The next seven-year cycle is the one I am just coming out of now and it was truly a cycle that was full of pain, and guilt and anger and all feelings I could not express politely in this fucked up society we live in.
But now, Oh how now, is so much different.
I am finally moving forward, I am finally picking up where I left off when I was bettering myself in the last seven-year cycle. You see that whole cycle I prayed that my ex-husband could step up and be the man I was desiring. Someone who believed in what I did, someone who was manly and strong and a fierce protector. Someone who could share energy and visions for our future, someone who wanted to build something with me.... something great.
Out of my prayers came the removal of him from my life entirely. Sometimes we cannot get what we want. It was easy for me to see this and move on, after trying for seven years of course.
After leaving my ex the search for the man of my prayers began.
Thus the birth of this blog and my next seven years.
I really do believe things are in our heart for a reason. We desire deeply the things we are meant to have. I am not talking fleeting wishes and pipe dreams. I am speaking of those things you just cannot Let go of no matter what. I have known for a long time that I was gonna go back to school to be able to run a successful business one day and even though it has taken me a long time to get the courage up and to build the life situation to be able to do this am doing it now.
I do have a lover out there that is my Equal that can And will combine energy with me in order for both of us to achieve something greater then we can on our own. I still believe this in every part of my being. I really do. I know I can accomplish all of what I want on my own, but with a partner that shares the same ideals and aspirations well fuck then we can go two times higher then I can alone.
That is what I want.
That was the purpose of this blog Since day one. A Fantasy love Story that would turn out to be mine and his truth that we could share with the world one day.
Merlin said to me one day that we would write a book together and I believed him. My astrological chart with the Lion speaks of the exact same thing. I am not sure what lions totem is but I was told when dating bad boy Number one that I should wait for the Bumble Bee and truly the looks of the lion is that of a bumble bee with matched energy and charm. I have had two psychics reach out to me in the past two months in regards to The Lion trying to inform me that he is the answered prayer and has always been destined to me but I am nervous to believe them.
I have been through a lot in the past seven years and truly I am ready to walk away from my own dreams. A case of if you love something set it free and allow it to come back to you in its own space and time. I have had ample experience with this lately and see the validity in being ready for what you want and well maybe I am just not ready for my equal to come along yet.
This is me passively letting go in the moment yet my heart is still very much attached to the notion of twin flame love. I know this because I can feel him. I know this because when I am near him I can feel more of my own feelings and something deep and primal awakens within me and I am not all in control as I have been in the past. And I like it. No, actually I LOVE it.
I feel like Merlin and Mr Beautiful Crazy were sent to me to prepare me for something even greater and that no matter what I choose or what I do, I am destined for the arms of someone great. I had once desperately wanted it to be one of those men but today I am no longer desperate I am actually running from it..... this is what tells me, its real.
So I guess I won't be letting this go after all. I guess this is the way I will communicate with him after all. Where it all started as a form of communication with Merlin to now reaching out to the Lion is an attempt to share what I am feeling in the moment for him. Maybe this will bridge the massive gap that seems to be between us even though we live in the same apartment building....