Monday, October 30, 2017

Maybe it was Written in the Stars?

 I just can't let you go.  I really truly cannot.  I think you may be my true north.

I have experienced a lot of years on this earth and I have mastered certain things within myself over the past seven-year cycle and one of those things is my mind and how my thoughts work.   I am a hypnotherapist for crying out loud!!   Yet every time I try to eradicate you from my life in the pursuit of a new adventure you keep lurking loudly in the near background of my mind and my heart.

Why can I not let you go?   Why is it you that still makes me happy even though you are not here?

 Why is it that you bring me comfort in a time of my life that is blossoming and becoming something greater then I have ever known?   How come I still need this creative avenue even though its what I identify as my sanity for the past seven years.... because we all know I have had very little sanity in those times!! 

Can I not let this phase of my life go, or is the only part that is supposed to come along with me?

Do we burn all the bridges of our past when we move from one cycle to the next? 

I know without a doubt it has been the only way I could move forward.  By physically removing all people, places and things that I associated with that past cycle I could let go with more ease.   How come that is not the same here?   Is this different?  Was he always supposed to be my future and that is why I truly, truly, truly cannot let go?

Am I still just batshit crazy?

I was with my ex-husband for two seven-year cycles, that last cycle was surely a not meant to be because it was a bit hellish.   For him mostly, I took every opportunity I could to grow and move away from who I was in that relationship(I hated myself, 250lbs of misery).   The next seven-year cycle is the one I am just coming out of now and it was truly a cycle that was full of pain, and guilt and anger and all feelings I could not express politely in this fucked up society we live in. 

But now,   Oh how now, is so much different. 

I am finally moving forward, I am finally picking up where I left off when I was bettering myself in the last seven-year cycle.   You see that whole cycle I prayed that my ex-husband could step up and be the man I was desiring.   Someone who believed in what I did, someone who was manly and strong and a fierce protector.  Someone who could share energy and visions for our future, someone who wanted to build something with me.... something great.

Out of my prayers came the removal of him from my life entirely.   Sometimes we cannot get what we want.   It was easy for me to see this and move on, after trying for seven years of course.

After leaving my ex the search for the man of my prayers began. 

Thus the birth of this blog and my next seven years.

 I really do believe things are in our heart for a reason.  We desire deeply the things we are meant to have.   I am not talking fleeting wishes and pipe dreams.   I am speaking of those things you just cannot Let go of no matter what.  I have known for a long time that I was gonna go back to school to be able to run a successful business one day and even though it has taken me a long time to get the courage up and to build the life situation to be able to do this am doing it now. 

I do have a lover out there that is my Equal that can And will combine energy with me in order for both of us to achieve something greater then we can on our own.   I still believe this in every part of my being.  I really do.   I know I can accomplish all of what I want on my own, but with a partner that shares the same ideals and aspirations well fuck then we can go two times higher then I can alone. 

That is what I want.

That was the purpose of this blog Since day one.  A Fantasy love Story that would turn out to be mine and his truth that we could share with the world one day.

 Merlin said to me one day that we would write a book together and I believed him.   My astrological chart with the Lion speaks of the exact same thing.  I am not sure what lions totem is but I was told when dating bad boy Number one that I should wait for the Bumble Bee and truly the looks of the lion is that of a bumble bee with matched energy and charm.  I have had two psychics reach out to me in the past two months in regards to The Lion trying to inform me that he is the answered prayer and has always been destined to me but I am nervous to believe them.

I have been through a lot in the past seven years and truly I am ready to walk away from my own dreams.  A case of if you love something set it free and allow it to come back to you in its own space and time.  I have had ample experience with this lately and see the validity in being ready for what you want and well maybe I am just not ready for my equal to come along yet.

This is me passively letting go in the moment yet my heart is still very much attached to the notion of twin flame love.  I know this because I can feel him.   I know this because when I am near him I can feel more of my own feelings and something deep and primal awakens within me and I am not all in control as I have been in the past.  And I like it.  No, actually I LOVE it.

I feel like Merlin and Mr Beautiful Crazy were sent to me to prepare me for something even greater and that no matter what I choose or what I do, I am destined for the arms of someone great.  I had once desperately wanted it to be one of those men but today I am no longer desperate I am actually running from it.....  this is what tells me, its real.

So I guess I won't be letting this go after all.  I guess this is the way I will communicate with him after all.   Where it all started as a form of communication with Merlin to now reaching out to the Lion is an attempt to share what I am feeling in the moment for him.   Maybe this will bridge the massive gap that seems to be between us even though we live in the same apartment building....





Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Good Bye Deep Feeling Dive, Coming up for Air Now!

I just about deleted you last night. 

I wanted to bring an end to this illusion.  I wanted to bring closure to a brain pattern that no longer infects me with delusional thoughts of My Loving Lion, or what started it all... The Merlin and of course the painful jaunt of  Mr. Beautiful Crazy. 

I wanted to kill my dream of Romance and Love.

Part of me today still wants that and then the other more compassionate forgiving romantic side of myself wants to gracefully bow out leaving the legacy of pain behind her.   Giving rise to a new kind of way by not having to burn the bridge of the old way.....

I got absorbed into my own writings last night and realized that this really isnt over for me.   I set an intention many times within this blog and I have yet to fulfil it.   Maybe I have too much faith or hope in the future. 

This is where I am struggling in my life.... Hope and the Now.... Faith and the Truth.

Hope and the now....  Hope is a feeling that the future is going to be better.   My new brain patterns tell me there is only ever this moment.   In this moment, is the Now, and we are all starting to read into the Power of the Now so if we are always feeling peace and immediate emotions in the Now then what need do we have of hope and the future?   

It is my journey into the present that I am learning that the power is right here, because if I don't like whats happening in the now I change it right away because my feeling is not in the future it is right now therefor hope is the waste of emotion because it really does not make changes just pacifies feelings of gloom.   I would rather not pacify but act instead in favor of change. 

Would you not agree?

But faith and truth go a bit deeper for me.   I used to interchange faith and hope but as I discect the feeling of hope I feel faith is a bit different.   Sometimes there are things in our present that no matter what we do we cannot change them so therefore we need to practice an acceptance of them.   Because there is a deeper nagging feeling to us that wants us to know something even if we are not ready to know it.  does that makes sense?   You know that feeling that makes no sense but you just can't seem to shake it so you follow it?   The situation isn't the greatest but you're getting a lot out of it so you continue on for a time until the feeling is no longer enjoyable? 

This is the faith that is holding my let go back.  This is faith taken a step to far.

 I have tried to shake the lion off me. 

So many times I have worked at letting this illusion go because its causing me to be crazy, to feel crazy to act crazy to generally be out of myself with emotions and actions.   A huge part of me loves every minute of the crazy but then the rational part of me says I am getting caught in an illusion that is going to hurt me far more than any other I have been involved with.

So my faith has blurred my truth. 

 I am so anti-Christian right now it turns my stomach because I have watched a close friend go down with this toxic ship.  Christians wrecked the bible.   I can honestly say I HATE that religion because of its need to consume.   It has gotten to big and gone to far and now it wants to consume everyone and everything in its path and convert it to either Godliness or the Devil.  Dualistic Bullshit.   Today's concept of faith is heavily Christian, faith in a higher power outside yourself.   My friend this week upset me so bad with this level of faith she has in her religion that I have rethought every area of my life and the level of faith I have placed on each one.  And I brought the concept back to a very real and tangible place.

Faith is beleiviing that what you are working on will pan out for you in the end.

Every journey has some rough patches and its this faith that pulls you through those times we need extra discipline or patience.   So faith is a word that I can definitely keep in my reality the question thus bears answering then is how much faith is too much faith? 

When do i cross the line from faith leading to discipline into faith blinding me to the truth?

Is the Lion really here? 

Was Merlin? 

Mr. Crazy beautiful was physically present but was his heart? 

Am I keeping a faith in something that no longer exists?  Or has never existed and no amount of vision boards and prayers is gonna create that reality for me so the faith I have is actually in an untruth.   Am i just living in yet another illusion and using my amazingly strong creative energy to bring into existence something that can never be? 

Do the whitelighters even know there are limits to what can be created for any one genetically made up person?

Maybe this is my limit?    Maybe this is as far as I am to go with my romantic adventures.  Maybe coming to acceptance that my faith is warping my truth and now I must move forward into a direction I have always known was a part of my path maybe the reward I had hoped to seek as a reassurance and guide along the way is actually not to come to pass and this is how I am meant to keep my faith in check?

My heart breaks every time I work on releasing this dream like a stronger part of me just wont let go.  in the past, it was an all or nothing for me.  today I function just fine outside the desires that lovingly consume me so that part of me that rationalizes is keeping things in perspective for me so thereofr can I not have both faith in my strong desires, and truth in my mission?   

I can't let this go, not yet anyway. 

I have fallen in love with the lion. 

This blog was originally titled,  2bawakened.   I had known all along that I have never been woken to my full love potential and I knew in my heart that it would only be through romantic intimacy that an opening would occur.   I knew these things not from experience but a faith in my heart.  And the solid truth is that the faith i had in the opening did actually occur and it was the lion that opened me.  Can I walk away from this now?   Now knowing that the intention of the blog has proved itself valid... should i abandon ship now that i have finally set it to sea?

Is this where my story shall end?  Just when i finally set sail?   Maybe the real question i should be asking myself is.... the one that opens you is he the balance you have been seeking?  Is he the adventure and the intentions you have set?  Is he the one ready to pounce with you through life?  Or did he just have a roll to play and he played it well?

Shall I just be thankfull and move on now.   allowing a new blog to pick up in the sea my new direction?   Have i come a full 360 but in a new light?   When you love something set it free kinda of thought.  better to loved and lost then to never have loved.  Be grateful for the open heart and move on? 

Why are we always pacifying ourselves with these ridiculous peices of advice floating all over the internet?

Sometimes when I get real and look back at all my relationships and question why they never get really far I have to face certain facts about myself.   And getting real, I don't want to let the Lion Go but I have to if I cannot let my pain go... he cannot reside in the same place as me and my pain.   This is a certain truth within my faith of this blog I only now understand through writing this piece and editing it. 

I am finally ready to let go of the pain the men in my life have caused me caused.   

Allowing all the darkness to pull away from me as I write this. 

The pain from the first man that hurt me all the way up to the pain that the Lion inflicted with his scratches (blood in the cut?). 

 It's time to feel the pain and allow it to wash away.  Waves of memory can wash over as each pain comes up to be noticed.  Let go of each memory accepting the pain they caused, understand why but the pain must be accepted anyways. 

Moving forward you will have many opportunities if you are just living, Just Live,  to release these pains as they come up to be cleared. 

It becomes a matter of choosing enjoyment over pain.  we are now conditioned to pain so reconditioning to Love thoughts takes time....faith and discipline....

Practice Love thoughts because its only in the love that we can let go of the pain.... getting hurt is part of that release and its okay.  It is better then praying for a release and forcing ones(Heritics and spiritual healers). 

Just live in the now and trust your feelings in the moment but learn to let go of the pain so that the moment is more enjoyable... even if it is an illusion for a time... the more enjoyable will always be the right path.  Even illusions become painful quickly thats when you choose something different to feel enjoyable about..... hence the closing down of this blog for me. 

Nothing feels enjoyable here anymore... not in my real world anyway.  It brings me way to much pain and I am just not that interested in it anymore. 

Going back to school.... now that brings my heart joy. 

Its time to change it up, I have had enough lessons here.

My next blog will be an academic one.  A blog to bring me OUT of my feelings.... These past seven years were too deep into them for me.  Way too Deep.

So I guess truly, in the end, this is a good bye afterall.  From killing it to keeping it, from illusion to reality,  this has always what my writings have down for me.

 I am not giving up on love I am just redirecting my focus, I have learned all I need to know in this department, for now, I am ready to just live it.  I just want to LIVE IT now.

 Hugs.  I wish you the best for this was quite the trip with you! 

Don't lose me,  Come find me in the academic circles now..............


Chaos!


Friday, September 29, 2017

Opening

I feel like I have been waiting my whole life to be opened up. 

I realize now it has finally happened and even though the one that opened me up doesn't want me I have to find happiness in the fact that I am indeed open now.

Hard lessons to learn:  guys can smell an open woman miles away and will go what they can to break her if they themselves are broken.   My heart is crushing under the weight of this knowledge and how hurting our world is.

Learning to love ourselves is so commonplace now but the truth is we cannot open ourselves up.  It takes another human with an open heart to open a closed heart.  I am grateful to the male that opened me up even if it is so bittersweet i can barely taste any of the sweetness in it. 

Now that I am open I find I am attracting all the guys in the world that are wishing to be opened but not at all ready to be.  As what goes around comes around and it is my payment for not being ready when the lion awoke me.

I come here to you now to place in a sacred space my need to move out of this cycle and into my own open heart where i can revel in the magic of my own love.  I am too raw to be present with these men that want nothing more from me then to sip at my very essence.   I am too raw to be rejected in this heart open place, although the rejection is not seen as such a negative thing as it once was, it still hurts all the same.

Loving my daughter, our new kitty, my jobs and coworkers on a whole new level is too be my focus now I guess and although that makes me feel so utterly sad as i have so much love to give and it just keeps growing the more i give it, but whatever it hurts to much out there in the world to love strangers.

I dont know where I am going or what is going to happen now that I understand this truth, but i do know my only goal is to keep my heart open.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Heart Bleed because my Head is done Trying.

What happens when you have wanted something for so long that you finally give up on it because its obviously not out there for you?   Do you go back to the drawing board and change your expectations?   Do You move on to something totally different conceding that it was never in the plans for you in the first place?   Do you allow feelings of defeat to embrace you?   Or do you shake it off and joyfully move on to a new experience instead?

This is where I am at.   Maybe there is no romantic love out there.  Maybe the movies are great big teasers that are set in motion to create impossible dreams for the weak minded like me.   Maybe its pipe dreams that keep my heart beating with the excitement of anticipation.   Maybe its just the anticipation that I am looking for and not really wanting a partner in the first place?

I have so many questions and absolutely no answers to why this is always so hard for me and why I feel like I have so much resistance in this area of my life when others just easily fall in and out of love all the time.   Maybe I am always wanting what I can't have, thus making it harder on myself.

I think it's just time to let go and settle into something that makes me feel safe and secure.   Something I can feel good about but doesn't take me over the top.   Maybe my gigantic love affair and wishing to change the views of romance is not in the cards for me.   Maybe my life is meant to be lived more quietly.   More subtly.

I feel so tired today.  So sad.   Which is weird cause my life is at the incredibly great place?  but I can't stop focussing on the one thing I don't have instead of seeing all the great things I do have.  I think it's normal for the accomplished person to be seeking out that one last element to complete the picture one has in their heads about what happiness looks like.

I am happy now.   I am content and full right now.   I just want someone to crawl into bed with at the end of the night to share that with...... but do I really?   Because would I not have manifested that already if I did?

Maybe we don't even truly know what we want.   And maybe what we have is all we really want we are just to busy caught up in what the movies tell us we want.  

Today I guess I will choose to be at peace and let my heart cry out for what it feels its missing.  Maybe she can get a response because my head sure isn't.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Day Nine of the Ten Day Writing Challenge.

Today I noticed that when I am with other people my mind is connected and strong.... with the right kind of people that is.... but right now when I am alone my mind is only on my current obsession and that's it.  

As a hypnotherapist i understand how to reprogram my thoughts, the problem lies in the wanting of that outcome.  

My desire for the unavailable man is paramount.

It is time to change my desires.

rereading what I wrote yesterday almost gagged me.    How can I be so in love with nothing more than a fantom image... an energy that may or may not be there?   How can I allow someone to play emotional games with me?   Do I not love myself enough to WANT to feel good?

Yes, I actually do.   And even though I know in less than an hour I will forget this new train of thought, I feel good right now getting back to the greatness of me.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Move Mountains, Then Rest.





I don't think of him as much.
But only because my life has gotten busy
In my quiet moments, he is there
Bringing me tears of love
causing my heart to ache with longing
then my mind to smash with reality
He isn't here.
only in my mind.

Then he smiles at me in the hall
or jokes with me in the parking lot
and the connection is reestablished
round and round on the merry-go-round
my heart swirls not sure if it is worth the wait
but knowing it will, regardless

He who masters patience
masters his life



When he laughs my world light up
Like a new fairy getting her wings
when he draws near to me my knees go weak
my heart flutters threatening a heart attack
When he soothes me with his words
everything is blissfully right in my world



I can wait for a deeper connection
it is worth the wait.  He is worth the work.


The work is always transferrable
and with each opportunity taken
another one will arise out of the failure
if failure shall occur
there are no right or wrong choices
just a path that is set out before you
both choices lead to the same destination

Relax.
Enjoy the mountain air.
Baby, you have arrived.
Now Your king is on his way.

Day eight of the ten day... Today I noticed challenge.

And that having missed several days in the middle because life got very fun and busy over the long weekend the last thing on my mind was sitting at my computer to write..  and therefore that is what I noticed.

I used to be a discipline junkie where if I missed a day of a challenge I would hear all the motivational guru's going through my head.... get 'r done, get back at it... don't let a trip turn into a fall. I don't hear those voices anymore, I am past that.

I also don't hear the voices of my parents or childhood taunters anymore.   I no longer hear the voices of the 12 step fellowship telling me what is right and what is wrong.  I no longer hear my ex's loving words soothing nor there bitter tears downs at the end.

Today I have noticed all I hear now..... is my own voice of reason, love and discernment.  

It's a great feeling that through my own connection to my highest self no longer does the guidance of others dominate my choices in life.   And this is including my tarot reading which I did just state a couple days ago where overtaking my life... my new voices of, reason?   Not well received, just saying.

I have come a long way from where I was when I was born into this world, obviously, not just age has changed me, but all the hard work I have put into myself to become the person I desired when I was very little.... A strong woman in her own right wealthy in all avenues of happiness and free in the very face of interdependence.  

Truly on the day eight of a writing daily challenge I have noticed..  I have arrived at the destination I had sought for myself 30 years ago.

Now that I am sitting on the top of my mountain, I know exactly what I want and I know exactly how to get it......

I wait.

Today I noticed.....

My cards are all over a change of home.    Part of me wants this and the other part of me does not...

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Day Six.... Today I noticed..



Why do feelings not match reality sometimes?   Why is it that we can bend the signs to fit what we want and not what is really happening?  Why is it that when we become more enlightened we also become more powerful at controlling our circumstances... and not to our benefit.

 Thats the responsibility that comes along with enlightenment, the more you abuse your new powers the more you get slapped by universal law.  Sometimes those smack downs are incredibly painful and life shaking.

I ask myself over and over again how do I let go.  I ask myself over and over again how do I move forward?   I am trying to learn to hold on to my visions and not be like a feather floating on the wind anymore because I want to create something of substance in my life but I don't know how to work at something when challenges get in the way.

When are the challenges telling us the path is not a worthy one and when do we view the challenges as needed obstacles to strengthen us?   How much time are we willing to waste on a particular path before we have to back up all the  way to the beginning to start all over again?

Today i noticed i am building courage and self love on a deeper level.   I am not as swayed by another actions and more in tune with what I know to be real within me and that knowledge brings me peace and truly thats the feeling I want these days... Love and Peace.

I dont know where my path is taking me but I do know that even in the pain there is a level of comfort knowing it is for a greater purpose.  Gone are the feelings of suffering and truly my situation has not changed just my perception of it.  Why did my perception change?  Because no matter how I felt about what was happening between the Lion and I whenever we met up in person it was always different from how I felt in my imaginations.  

Sometimes its better and sometimes it worse then what I imagined and sometimes it reinforces my beliefs and sometimes it destroys them all together.  I feel crazy most of the time and the rest of the time i feel grateful just to still be able to be in his presence when the universe see's fit to put us together for a moment or two.

I believe my sacrifice has come and I am willing to have just mere moments with him at the expense of anything less then because I cannot tolerate being less then with someone else, all I do is judge the situation and compare it to how the Lion makes me feel .... and those experiences never compare.  

So until the cosmic design pulls us apart I will be grateful for just moments of his time and hopefully a thought or two sent in my direction will feed my soul and passion enough.   Until I can have him deeply within me, I shall fill my passion with my Jeep and building my dreams because i have a sneaky feeling when and if I do get a good crack at Leo it will only be for a short time before he will be off and running again... best to keep a good hold of my own life during the process.

Today I noticed.... I am much stronger.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Day Five..... Today I Noticed.

When we keep our focus forward it allows the universe to bring things to us without our scrutiny and over analyzations.  We truly are our own worst enemies.

So I am working my ass off to create five streams of income right now.  I never want to be as broke as I was this past winter.  That need to not ever be there again has created this desire so strong in me that my motivation and determination are finally stronger then my need to fall in love and have the greatest sexual union this planet has ever seen.  

It has been the focus of my new serving job to pay for my Jeep Hobby, My Apartment building super attendant position with the reduced rent that pays my living costs, My Grounds maintenance position with the owner of the building I care take pays for the building of My Mindfalling program which will replace my income stream in the winter from the grounds position and I am just waiting on my fourth stream of income to begin after May long weekend, landscaping with a new up and comer to the scene here in GP.  

I am still looking for a fifth stream of income but I figure that will come in the winter through online opportunities that will open up for me once i get my toes wet in that field.  But that is not what is the really the exciting part of this post.... with my attention being focused on my business launch and the foundation i need to lay before that big day, Leo the Lion snuck up behind me!!

Onyx stones.   I am telling ya they are all the bomb if you want to not act like a retard around the guy your infatuated with.  Onyx helps ground a person and reduces excitability..... I am kangaroo jumpy around this guy.  My attraction to him and my desire to be with him is so overwhelming that I cannot string a proper sentence together so then I just wanna attack or crawl all over him because obviously my words and mind are not gonna get me to where I wanna be.   Ya, the latter was not working in my favor at all.... quite the opposite actually.

After ignoring him and then when I could no longer do that as we see each other almost daily in our apartment building I was cool and detached.  I think he liked that much better because now I can finally have a conversation with him without losing my fucking junk in my head and dropping it to my trunk and letting the baby bits talk for me.... jeez, women are built just like men when it comes to sexual craze.

So what I noticed today..... when you are moving forward in your own life and placing energy, attention and focus on what will better you in that moment then the universe adds your desires and rewards into the mix.... you cannot chase your rewards, you must chase the work.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Day Four of.... Today I noticed.

Seeings as I love writing in the mornings, its more a yesterday I noticed but I am writing it today kinda thing.

So yesterday after getting only two lines in here before my day rushed off in a wild start without me, I noticed how obsessed I get when I am bored and how much validation I need when I am scared.

Fear grips us and we cannot move.  But in truth life has pauses and stops that cause me such great anxiety that in those nice little floats I burn my life to the ground because I cannot sit still... I repeat, I cannot sit still.    Shark is my birth totem and those fuckers cant stop swimming or they sink.  They are not built like other fish.  I don't think I am built like other humans.

So yesterday I got my jeep up and running again and felt pretty super star for having been able to afford it.  That level of vibrational increase brought about many calls and texts from guys.  Its weird how they can sniff out a girl who is feeling really good about herself.   I just wish that I could find one that is okay with me when I am not feeling really good about myself.

I am still on the guy thing but I am now beginning to understand that when I am moving forward they have no choice but to chase me.  Its when I am idle that I must learn not to chase them but to sit still with my own company until my life is moving forward again.  

I am very bad for beating myself up when things don't seem to be moving at the pace I want them too and this has got to stop.  It is in those self beatings that I do the most damage to my life.   We are our own worst enemies because in truth no one really gives a shit about us and our lives.  And thats not a sad pity statement its more about the truth of how self centered we are as humans.  we create from within its natural and normal to be the center of our universe.  We just tend to forget everyone else has their own universes as well that they are center of and trust me when I say of your the center of theirs watch out for a toxic ride of pure imbalance at every turn.

This is where psychology comes into play with the two healthy bubbles just touching each other to make for a great relationship, not the two become one model.  that has always been outdated, it just takes a ridiculously long time for us humans to change.  Again why you dont choose a partner you think will change for you because even if thats true the patience you would need to have would be astronomical to stick around and endure the pain of that happening or the latter is the path... death to their spsirt as they become who you want them to be.

I still am crazy about the fucking Leo.   All these guys calling, texting and sniffing around and all I do is compare them to the Lion and none of them meet up, or if they do becuease i am in a hate on mood for the fucking cat it only lasts moments and I remember that he can match me in whtever frequency I am in.   And thats what i am looking for.... total match of crazy... not picture perfect.

Day three of ... Today i noticed...

I am ridiculously insecure of my own feelings... distrustful of them.... in constant need of reassurance.

I am addicted to online Tarot readings and psychic readings.

I am in a place in my life where change is so prevelant that i am afraid and cannot trust the choiuces and directions presented to me, i am seeking outside validation at every turn.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Day Two of the Today I noticed challenge...

10 days of writing every day to increase the flow of creativity and to put the wheels in motion to a new level of consciousness and vibration in my world.

It is Mothers day today.  I really detest these days that my society has deemed important to force us people that are too self-centered to practice loving our mothers every day.   Don't you find it hard to force your emotions on these holidays that may or may not fit with how your feeling that day?  

I get taking days to notice all that your mother does for you, but the pressure and the money grab that happen around a day that becomes specifically set aside for love and attention makes it fake and forced.   would you not agree that there is a line of truth to what I am saying?

As a mother of three and a daughter, I would much prefer to show my mom random acts of love throughout the year then pay extra dollars buying flowers and a card to meet the standards of what the neighbour kids just bought their moms so mine doesn't feel my love is second rate or something.

My children know I hate these holidays and they go out of their way on other less expensive and conspicuous days to love me in a way that fits for them.  

We have become a society of micro managed people and we don't even realise it.   We are told what to think, when to eat, how to breathe and when to love and even what to love.  

Do you not want your own voice, your own thoughts?   would you not love to love when you feel it right to do so?

I know it would be an easier life for me if I just caved and gave into the flow of all around me and just learned to love when I was told to and be happy all the time because its the better option and to be grateful in every moment because it makes everything around me seem less annoying, but in truth I didn't work my ass off in my life to get in tune with my feelings just to have to subdue them because I now no longer fit with my society.

I was born to be a mover and a shaker.   I am the person that rubs everyone wrong and creates a friction.  I am that person that will point our your flaws so that you can feel better about yourself after you have become more authentic because of the changes brought about from my temporary annoyance.   I am lonely because I am a mover and shaker, anyone that can stay close to me is someone who can handle the constant change I bring into their lives.

Which is not many people.   I am not popular for my teachings and will probably not be fully realised until well after I am gone from this physical plane.  But I will keep expressing my views and keep doing the work that feels good within me to release.   I will stay sad that I am misunderstood and stay isolated from popular opinion because in those unpopular feelings I find a weird sort of strength and comfort.  To be happy is to comfort and no matter how hard I try to fit into your box, I just cannot do it.  So I accept who I am and still go forth and live in this world with my own kind of secret happiness that i can share with no one.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Today I noticed......



Moving Forward......

I Have another blog that is fully about overcoming addiction... obsessive and compulsive... always filling the void.   That blog was seven year of my journey from leaving my husband and all the avenues addiction took in my life, switching one vice up for another until one day I did a major cleanse that lasted for an entire year and that was it, my awareness went so deep, my acceptance that this was how I coped and the action I needed to take in order to move out of the victim mentality entirely was birthed.

I have not written in the blog for months because that phase of my life is over.  That is when I began this blog in order to begin to create my dreams and passions.  You see I want to fall in love.  And not just get a boyfriend or life partner so I don't feel lonely, but to fall madly passionately in love with a soul connected individual that can reach tantric levels this world has not seen yet.   The problem is that kind of love triggers those addictive qualities in me times ten.

I have been obsessing through my tarot reads and psychic channels to help me overcome my fear of opening up to love.  you see I come from a childhood of extreme neglect and abuse and although I dislike living there for any amount of time it's a reality I must accept and constantly take action to move away from or I easily become trapped in my own self-created hells....

And that is where I am again today.   Trapped in my own self-created hell unable to allow life to just flow.  Keeping my focus on me and my own life is extremely hard when an object of affection comes into sight.   I am a cat that pounced on what catches her attention and am relentless like a pit bull when I dig my teeth into something.   Unfortunately, that causes me more damage then it does my poor victim... and let me be clear I surely create victims of men that try to love me.

Its a sad day in the reality of me right now.   I think I have destroyed another poor guy just wanting to love me.

So I am moving my focus on to learning to write while I build a more solid financial foundation so that come winter I can really launch my online business which is really where my heart is.   You see I know I got a flare for writing when my heart wants to bleed onto the screen, but I suck at the details of sentence structure and all that boring bullshit that goes into being a great writer.  So that is where I should be placing my focus at this time.

I know that when it comes to love and romance that is an energy out of my control and to have patience and accept timing is as important as the chemistry is, I am well on my way to learning.  so keeping my very very very busy mind active on a pursuit such as writing will allow me the space to move forward and open up the channels to allowing love to come find me.   Because seeking it has caused way way way to much fear to rise up within me and that fear has put a huge wall up around me fully protected by a plethora of little scorpions ready to attack any would be compatibles from getting close to me.

So I need a healthy distraction from a weirdly odd addictive feeling which is the purest feeling in the world.... Love.   Self-love, self-love, self-love....  that's the only way to opening up to a greater love.  I hear it all the time and I get it and my love continues to grow and grow for myself, but it's a hard upward battle when I had no blueprint of what that looked like and with each new loving person in my life I am forced to accept a new level of what my blueprint wants to accomplish and thus a new cycle of work begins to get there.

Sometimes I fear the work is too much and I should just stop and accept the life of crazy cat lady safe within the confines of her own heart and those that love her with no challenge.  And then I start to cry because its not gonna be enough for me.  So I continue on this path of learning to love myself even greater just to be able to open my heart to a friend... let alone a romantic partner.

Maybe by the time I am 80 I will be ready.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Is there 'The One'?




Do you choose who you fall in love with?

Is there a moment,  an instance that there is no return from?   That love at first sight?

Or are there just experiences upon experiences to bring into alignment with yourself?

Does everyone contribute to the same reality or are we individualistic in our natures?

Is the concept of The One lost to us?   Do you still believe in the One?


When I look back on all my interactions with partners each one brings me clo9ser to the truth.   The truth of myself and the truth of what I am looking for and thus the truth of what is looking for me.

I can see more clearly with each partnership that there is always a key element missing.   With one its passion, with another its connection, yet with another its compatibility.   I have yet to find someone who embodies all of what I desire.

What happens when I find him?   Will it be easy or will it be even harder because he is 'The One"?

I have been reading up lots about Intimacy and romance and all things to help me better understand myself within this last fling I had with Leo the Lion.   My emotional reactions were nothing I had experienced before, my loss of control over and over again had me going back for more like a love sick puppy okay with the abuse.   Why is that?

I easily walk away from people and situations that serve no greater purpose for my life... I know this through years of self-examination and experience.  So why then can I still not stop thinking about a new approach with this guy?  A new way to get his attention and keep it?

Why am I okay with him dating another girl, knowing that I love him.... and truly I do.  I don't know how to explain it.   It's not a deep love of knowing someone but it is a love that makes me want to be near him, to get to know him and to accept all parts of him even the douche bag parts.   I am not critical of him.... why is that?   I am critical of everyone!!

I let him go.   I really have.  And I am moving forward with my life and my business, putting attention where it desperately needs to be.  But I have not forgotten about him nor do I want to...   Just a much-needed rest for both of us I guess.

I think I am starting to believe in the One.......